Irrationally jealous of my SIL

[Bufferinginlife]

My husband and I have been married for a couple of years now, we have a lovely little boy and I’m generally happy in my life.
My husband is really close to his brother and therefor his brothers wife. I like his brother but I am irrationally jealous of my SIL. It’s not even a comparison thing, I wouldn’t even want to be like her but I can’t help the jealousy and envy. It makes every meet up feel quite miserable.
They have 2 daughters, who are no better or worse behaved than my DS but she seems to handle it with so much more patience, she’s undeniably gorgeous, seemed to lose her baby weight over night and woke up with abs and perfect skin again. She is incredibly intelligent, speaks 3 languages fluently, plays piano and is a gorgeous singer, always sounds so articulate and I find it hard not to be a little in awe of her. She always dresses so well, looks really chic and put together. To top it off, she’s absolutely bloody lovely. DH is always saying how well his brother did to marry her and he’s not wrong.
Even just in parenting, her kids are just normal toddlers, but she seems to always be on top of parenting them.
Now I’m quite happy with where I’m at in life, I know I have skills she doesn’t but my skills don’t have the same social capital I’ve noticed.
I think she is the first almost perfect person I’ve ever met who’s also just totally down to earth and lovely, I used to think there was some justice in that the “perfect” people tended to not actually be very nice but she’s broke that for me.
Every time I meet up with her I feel so inferior, she always wants to meet up and my little boy adores her, but I hate the way it makes me feel like I am
just failing at life somehow.
AIBU? Anyone have any advice on how to get over this?

Do you resent her? Or do you admire her? I have someone in my life that is like that and I look to her for advice and also inspiration.

Shag her husband only reasonable thing to do.

Seriously though, you need to move on to this, just enjoy having someone nice in your life (and your childs life).

Don't avoid her is my advice. Keep meeting up, your child adores her and this is your problem to get over, no one elses. I think the more time you spend with her the more you will become accepting of her and start to see her as more normal and less “other”. Gorgeous though she sounds she is just human and will have many minor flaws. Get to know the human, and you will be less dazzled by the image.

This^^

You have a lot of nice things to say about her. You can admire her without wanting to outdo her.

I mean this genuinely - I bet there really are things you do better than her. Being intimidatingly beautiful and educated isn't always a good thing as some people are absolutely repelled by it.

Can you spend time with her without husbands in tow? I have a feeling you'd get on better without them there?

You say you wouldn't want to be like her, but that's not true from what you've said. You deeply wish you were everything that she is. Or at least some of it. Skills that have social capital, people thinking you're poised and a calm, loving parent. Seemingly effortlessly slim, gorgeous, talented. You can't spend an entire post talking about the many wonderful things your SIL is and then pretend you don't wish you were those things too. If you didn't wish that it wouldn't bother you.

Ultimately this speaks to a deep lack of self-esteem on your part, and insecurity, I think it's notable that she's your husband's brother's wife and not your husband's sister. There's a sense of competition from you there about how one brother married well and the other didn't, in your eyes.

If you have low self-esteem you will feel this way because you're not happy in yourself. I have friends who are everything you describe of your SIL, incredible, lovely, smart people who are gorgeous, slim, successful, and happy. I love them and everything about them and part of why I'm friends with them is because they're amazing. I don't feel jealous because I'm happy with myself, I am happy with my appearance, I'm far from a supermodel but I like how I look, and I know I'm a good person with talents too. I tend to find that bitchy/jealous women are deeply insecure about themselves. People who are content with themselves don't spend time comparing others to them favourably. They just enjoy the positive qualities of those around them.

Work on your own self-esteem and this will fade.

"she always want's to meet up" - Well that's a compliment in itself. She obviously likes you and sees something in you that she admires, otherwise she wouldn't want to nurture the friendship.

I would be suspicious about your husband's comments. His continuous fawning over her are totally our of order and it is affecting your self-esteem. Time for a serious chat with the cheeky bastard.

Subconsciously you are comparing yourself with her. You don’t see her faults/ flaws. But you see all of your own. That’s nuts…. She does have flaws and insecurities, she’s human, she’s just good at hiding them from you. There is a phrase “ fake it til you make it!” Maybe that’s her….. no o es perfect…. You’ve fallen for it!
Shes trying to be friends. Let her.
Look for your positive qualities, there honestly will be loads. And don’t forget we are all different

Maybe work on yourself and gain some new hobbies or treat yourself to a makeover or new clothes, music lessons, spa weekends away for a break
Don't avoid meeting up with her because of your own insecurities and I'm sure you're perfectly good at parenting too!

Just work on being her friend and developing a nice relationship between your children and hers. Sounds lovely! Maybe you could go for drinks together or a sip and paint workshop, etc something fun and a bit silly.

I absolutely love people who make me feel like I should have more of a joie de vivre/motivate me to try my hand at something new.

You're lucky to have nice family, maybe try looking at it from that perspective.

Your mindset seems to be attached to attempting to feel better by a) pointing out that you have skills that she doesn’t have and b) the (now depleted) belief that ‘it’s ok’ because perfect people are actually horrible.

That’s problematic, because ultimately it hinges on keeping others down in some way.

It’s far better to simply accept it and let them exist in their (seeming) perfection. They won’t be any less enviable or admirable because you pick at them and find holes. You certainly won’t be more admirable by picking at them.

She’s simply ‘one of those people’ and you’ll be better off adjusting your mindset to accept that.

Your DH's comments are weird. Why is the whole family fawning over this woman?

A lot of it seems to be about her looks and weight. Lose some weight if it will make you feel better.

Some people are luckier than others, some handle some things better etc. Such is life.

She sounds extraordinary. If you like her, as you say you do, enjoy her friendship. There are always going to be women prettier, thinner, cleverer…

It’s not her perceived perfection that is making you feel like you’re failing at life, it’s you.

I don’t think DH means it as a compliment to her as much as he does a dig to his brother (lovingly), I do underhand where he’s coming from, SIL is gorgeous, lovely, talented and intelligent. BIL is a lovely lovely man but I don’t think he knows how to talk about anything that isn’t chess, tennis, football or politics, it is a bit of a family mystery how ended up marrying her, he’d say as much himself!

Can you reframe it?
Think "I am so happy to have such a lovely woman in my family!".

I think it’s also unhealthy that you are analysing why she was attracted to your BIL. Just stop doing it. They love each other. Why does it matter why?

It’s good that you are self aware of your feelings and have concluded that they are possibly not healthy.

Do any of these feelings translate into thoughts and actions that are problematic and limiting your relationship?

Looks like she had a privileged and enriching upbringing where time and wealth were invested for her to become so accomplished.

She may also have had very emotionally intelligent and stable parents who role modelled calm, kindness and discipline.

Not many of us had such opportunities. But you are lucky to have her as a role model for an alternative approach to parenting in a calm and intentional way - I personally would look and learn and admire - but the rest of the drivel - slim, shiny skin, great body etc wouldn’t phase me.

Is she preferred by the ILs?

It’s a family joke, it’s not that deep.

YANBU to feel how you feel - no one can help how they feel. But it would be unreasonable not to address it - which you are obviously trying to do. Turn it around in your head - yep, she is so great, isnt it nice that there are people like that in the world - but dont compare yourself. Notice your feeling, name it, then use a coping statement - not everyone can be alike, it is what it is, etc etc. Then do something nice for yourself. And remind yourself that comparing to other people is pointless. You sound nice - the way you speak about and your feelings is lovely.

I can relate to this but I am the nice sister in law and the other one is the jealous one and I have just realised this after 5 years.

This isn't a brag, I am not beautiful or very intelligent or anything but I am kind, have two babies and work full time whilst she is struggling to conceive, has never worked her whole life and has been very mean to me in a passive aggressive way which I never noticed initially.

My only advice is just be kind and work on yourself x

If someone appears to be perfect it doesn't mean they are. I am struggling with my mental health and considering a divorce - emotionally abusive husband yet everyone thinks we are a perfect family!

My sil once baked bread while holding her son and it turned out gorgeous (I can’t bake). I was so upset I let it ruin a really nice weekend. Later I realised I was ridiculous and we get on brilliantly! Op some people are just amazing, it doesn’t make you any less amazing at the stuff you’re brilliant at!! Try and enjoy having a nice sil!!

It really is that deep because it's getting to you!!!

Nobody’s perfect, and everyone has their own sadnesses. Yes, some people’s lives are more fortunate than others, but nothing is ever as it appears from the outside. Even the women who seem like they are acing parenting will have days where it all gets too much.

I would recommend some counselling for your low self-esteem, though. You have one precious life, there is no point wasting it on wishing you were more like someone else. Ultimately your husband and kids love you because you’re you.

Also she has a husband who talks about golf. I’d have jumped out of a window by now.

Try and be inspired by her. Also just open up the fact that you are in awe of her. All my cousins have married educated, stunning elegant supermodel types who I adore. I make jest of it and crack on.