Irrationally jealous of my SIL

[Bufferinginlife]

My husband and I have been married for a couple of years now, we have a lovely little boy and I’m generally happy in my life.
My husband is really close to his brother and therefor his brothers wife. I like his brother but I am irrationally jealous of my SIL. It’s not even a comparison thing, I wouldn’t even want to be like her but I can’t help the jealousy and envy. It makes every meet up feel quite miserable.
They have 2 daughters, who are no better or worse behaved than my DS but she seems to handle it with so much more patience, she’s undeniably gorgeous, seemed to lose her baby weight over night and woke up with abs and perfect skin again. She is incredibly intelligent, speaks 3 languages fluently, plays piano and is a gorgeous singer, always sounds so articulate and I find it hard not to be a little in awe of her. She always dresses so well, looks really chic and put together. To top it off, she’s absolutely bloody lovely. DH is always saying how well his brother did to marry her and he’s not wrong.
Even just in parenting, her kids are just normal toddlers, but she seems to always be on top of parenting them.
Now I’m quite happy with where I’m at in life, I know I have skills she doesn’t but my skills don’t have the same social capital I’ve noticed.
I think she is the first almost perfect person I’ve ever met who’s also just totally down to earth and lovely, I used to think there was some justice in that the “perfect” people tended to not actually be very nice but she’s broke that for me.
Every time I meet up with her I feel so inferior, she always wants to meet up and my little boy adores her, but I hate the way it makes me feel like I am
just failing at life somehow.
AIBU? Anyone have any advice on how to get over this?

I agree here @Bufferinginlife .

I couldn't vote as you're so complimentary about her and so self-aware, that I can't say you're unreasonable.

She likes you and likes spending time with you, so must think you're great too.

This. ^ I'd be having words @Bufferinginlife What on earth does your husband mean ..... his brother did well when he married her?

I wouldn't be too chuffed if my DH was fawning over and slathering over his brother's wife. Weird af. No wonder you're insecure @Bufferinginlife

No advice though sorry. I'm sure she isn't perfect though. No-one is as perfect as you're making her out to be.

The one thing that might be hard for her is having lots of trustworthy friends (and not hangers on). If you are jealous of her I am certain other people will be too. She will be discriminated against because she is beautiful and educated - you can be on her side, a good friend.

Life happens to all of us.

I also think you need to step up your own self care. Make time to work out, have a proper blow dry, find clothes that flatter and style up - not down and meet her where she is at. No one was born with abs and glossy hair op!! 😅

There was a woman in my antenatal class like this (‘Suzie’). Quite a lot younger than me, really lovely person and stunning figure. Seemed to snap back into shape immediately after having each of her three (gorgeous) babies. Hasn’t aged at all in the 15 years since whereas I am a wizened old hag. When complaining to my husband once about the clear injustice of it, he said “yes but she’s probably got piles”. She’s now forever know as “Suzie with piles” 😁

She sounds like a lovely person, please try and get past it. So many people on here with horrible family or in-laws. You could be missing out on a friend for life.

😆

You have just described my best friend! I sympathise!

Nobody is perfect! I'm sure she's a nice person with a lot going for her but everyone has flaws and insecurities and shit going on. Take her off the pedestal (that goes for your DH too) and stop letting her take up so much space in your head.

As a side note I kind of hate the lauding of women who "lost the baby weight" (can you tell I haven't yet-lol).

If you were truly happy with yourself and your life, you wouldn't be thinking any of this.

Yet you’ve written a post about how your envy and jealously make every meet up ‘miserable’. ‘Jokes’ of this sort will only perpetuate your issue. So on one hand you’re ‘miserable’ because she’s perfect and on the other hand it’s ’not that deep’ to have running commentary about her perfection – doesn’t add up.

Use her as a role model.
Ok, so you can't magic up musical talent, but aspire to dress smartly in things that suit you, and not look scruffy, model her nice manners. If her parenting skills are good, ask her for tips or implement some of her strategies.

My SIL is jealous of me and always has been. Now we are in our 50s she’s quite offhand and unpleasant. Resentments build. Don’t be that person.

My best advice is try to turn your feelings into feeling proud of her, be her cheerleader, think of her as your equal - your partners in child rearing, in being married into the X family, probably in other things too. You have a lot in common. She’s in the role of a sister to you after all, so just try to be happy that she is kind, talented and likes you. She maybe needs a friend.

Jealousy is such an awful but human experience. I don't think this is really an AIBU question - no, your feelings aren't reasonable but that doesn't mean you're doing something wrong by feeling that way or that you're anything but a normal human being for occasionally struggling with jealousy. The most important thing is to remember that your feeling jealous is also not the target's fault. And it's key to frame it that way - she is the target of your jealousy, not the cause or source. Jealousy is something for us to accept and deal with ourselves, not something others do to us.

Jealousy is a secondary emotion - it's an outward-directed feeling that arises in response to something internal. Often that internal feeling is insecurity, though it can also be something like sadness or loneliness. There's no magic wand, but the most helpful thing I've found is to acknowledge the inward feeling, show yourself compassion around the feelings, and try to work through it as best you can. It doesn't mean the underlying feelings will disappear (we all feel insecure, btw) but helps avoid channeling them into something destructive or ugly.

Lastly, one of the best pieces of wisdom I've ever received is to be wary of comparing your insides to others' outsides. It's not fair to compare all of your private feelings and struggles (including all the ones you avoid showing the world) with what someone else presents externally. If you finished off a lengthy homecooked meal and then I showed you a magazine spread of another meal and asked you to tell me which meal tastes better you'd think I was crazy for asking you to decide, but that's basically what we're often doing when we compare our own self-image with what we see of other people.

I have a friend like this. I realised I’m a bit rougher round the edges but I make her laugh with my dry humour and I’m absolutely more streetwise. She told me she admires my wit and she thinks I’m just cool 😎 she is amazing and put together but we are all different and she’s a great friend now.

I have found that whenever I am feeling these kinds of feelings towards someone. It is because I am unhappy and unfulfilled. I do find getting an interest you own and can get good at helps. Whether its building on something you already do or enjoy or finding somrthing new to get stuck into.
Its hard with kids and I am one for putting myself last
My happiest friends actually put themselves first, self care, excercise and interests, theirs before their kids. And do you know what, their kids really benefit from the role model and are happy kids.
I do try and do it but if you arent naturally like that it is hard.
Try and do little things like set aside time each week to wash and style your hair or do a pedicure or whatever self grooming you like to do. And an hour on your hobby or interest. When I have done this I am actually a lot happier in myself, feel more confident and calm and collected.
Currently I am struggling to find the time but I not very organised, but I have periods when I have done this and it has really worked wonders.

Go to therapy. It’s normal to be a bit envious of other people, but this sounds like it’s getting out of hand. It’s not normal to feel miserable because someone else is lovely. She’s not taking anything from you.

People never want to meet frequently with someone they don’t genuinely like, so she clearly feels you add value to her life however perfect it may seem.

I do see your point, your SIL sounds a lot like my boss. She is awesome, and our entire team think she’s awesome. Get under her bonnet with a glass of wine though and like everyone she has her insecurities and problems. She’s one of the good people that actually enrich lives, remembers everyone’s birthdays and makes the world a better place.

I said to her today, I feel like I need to put “be nice to X today” on my planner how does it come so naturally

I love when attractive and/or intelligent women (and men) are nice.

If you are ugly or have a crappy life then I understand why someone might be a bit bitter but I hate when someone who is lucky or privileged is nice.

Imagine her being like that and being a bitch.

There is nothing I love more than meeting a gorgeous man or woman and finding out they are lovely people.

I have just one sister in law. She has no children as she doesn’t like them. She has no conversation, skills or charm. She’s never worn anything other than tracksuits. She talks at you, rather than to you. We have NOTHING in common.

I’d love a sister in law I could relate to or admire.

I don't find this funny at all, sorry

Try to reframe
you are lucky to have a nice sil, a nice aunty to your child

it would not be better if your sil was bitchy, constantly begging your for childcare or loans, would it.

plus it isn’t always fun being gorgeous. I know a man who dumped a woman purely because she was so gorgeous. Everywhere they went, people were drawn to her and fawning over her and he couldn’t deal with men salivating over her whilst they were doing stuff like having a meal.

I agree with this. The more time you spend with her, the more you will look past all these things that bother you. I have been there, and honestly, you really do just start to enjoy them, genuinely enjoy their company, for who they are.

It’s a “family joke”. Unless you’re family, you’re not supposed to find it funny,

she always wants to meet up

So this flawless human being, accomplished and articulate and goddamnit nice as well, wants to spend her time with you? I'd be thinking that must say something good about me.

She likes you and wants to meet up with you - that's always a compliment.

Have you heard about shine theory OP? The idea that when you meet another woman who's intimidatingly perfect like your SIL, you should befriend her rather than feel jealous - because that means you end up enhancing each other. Basically the company you keep ends up rubbing off on you.