Gay course mate acting weird

[sofiaparker]

I'm an MSc student (woman). An international course mate who wears the LGBT lanyard (my friends say he must be gay because lanyards were handed out to those who identified with the LGBT community during registration) is acting weird around me.

He is a presumably a nice individual and good looking also. I had taken the initiative to connect with him and another friend of his as I like to talk to everyone on my course. However he just sometimes acts weird and trying to be extra friendly to others when around me while ignoring me. Although during initial connection he was quite kind and polite, even introducing me to his other course mates.

1 day I was just sitting next to my best friends in class and just having a laugh while solving problems. I invited them to come with me for a talk at my alma mater. I couldn't invite too many people. He was there at the table and heard too, and just started staring at me. Many times I randomly find his gaze just watching me. I'm not the most attractive woman and I don't know why he does this as he is presumably gay.

Sometimes he ignores and sometimes extra polite, holding doors etc. I'm so confused. Or maybe he is just interested in me as a person as I am from the same heritage as him but a very different upbringing here in the UK. Even the way I speak is different.

Any thoughts on this baffling behavior? Or anything I need to watch out for?

My initial gut feeling about this guy was never so good. No idea why. I tried to keep my distance while being polite. But today in class he was really polite and I felt a good energy from him.

Just a bit confused about this interaction

In the equality diversity form you could choose. Or you could choose prefer not to say. Straight and prefer not to say girl given the standard lanyard in the welcome pack. And ppl who identified with lgbtplus got the rainbow ones. Even some professors wear those. It is really up to you though. You could ask for a standard lanyard if you really wanted. But I think you would not even put it down on the form if you weren't comfortable doing so.

For God's sake go read a book or knit your ears. Something. Anything. Just let this go. It's an absolute nothing and I guarantee nobody here even really knows what you're on about.

Those forms are usually anonymised and used for data, not for lanyard choices.

How would you even know what people put on their forms?

Honestly I did not realize. I'm all for fixing what I have done wrong. I am usually a polite person. He wasn't the only one on the table uninvited, but now I understand my mistake.

Is it possible he's just a bit weird and awkward, OP? You being friendly and chatty might make him think there's an opportunity there for him to be friends, or to practice his social skills, so he tries. But he's still a bit awkward and it's different cultural norms than he's used to so that amplifies it all...

This could be it!

Yes! I've had enough of this.

Another americanism/non English turn of phrase. They are lecturers in the UK. Not profs unless they actual are a prof.

Well I do attend a very reputed University where most lecturers are professors.

It's just some wording though. I wouldn't dwell on it.

The racism creeps in quietly, huh?

Just awareness. Not racism

Uhh no. That’s not how it works.

Some UK universities (Oxbridge, Warwick, Reading, and LSE amoung them I believe) have taken to calling their lecturers Associate or Assistant Professor, I heard mainly to attract academics from abroad. So if OP attends one of these, it's not that surprising she refers to them as professors.

True (I’m a Prof at such a uni) but home students still usually refer to everyone who lectures them as lecturers. We also refer to each other as lecturers when talking to students.

I dont know why it matters what a course mate may or may not think about you. I suspect he thinks about you a lot less than you think.

I dont know why it matters if hes LGBT or an ally.

I think its weird to give this much attention to a casual acquaintance and his behavoiur could be in response to yours which sounds oddly focused on him

Actually, I'm just friendly to everyone and find it odd when someone doesn't like me. Maybe it's just that and needing to get used to the fact not everyone will like you. But actually it's the dislike factor - when I evidently didn't do anything to piss anyone off. But honestly it might be what another user suggested - I might have come off rude unknowingly. But that being said I don't care that much .... I have made a great bunch of friends at uniiii

OP, came across a short video on YouTube the other night, and a woman was blasting two new staff. She had 2 new male trainees, she gave them off to 2 of her regular male employees to train, and shifts are 12 hours each. Well, she mentions it takes all of 10 minutes to learn everyone's name in her company, but she never introduced them to each other - just to find one to work with. After 3 days (12 hour shifts) she took each one and asked how they were getting on, all 4 of them said acted like best mates from primary. In fact, she said one of them forgot their lunch, so his training partner shared his lunch (a tuna packet and a banana). What made her so upset? NONE OF THEM knew the other's name. They just went to work as 2 teams, got it done, and went home. She was just boiling, asking why they didn't know the other's name, and she couldn't deal with them not needing to "socialize" with names. This is how men are sometimes - we just don't go into over social interaction analyzing. Please take a page from this analogy, and realize men are so much more superficial than you give us credit for because we want to work because it's about "get in, get a win, and get out."

You sound quite arrogant. Theres no way you got this far in life and no disliked you, and im not saying thats because theres anything wrong with you or nasty. And thinking otherwise is naive or arrogant.

"When I evidently didnt do anything to piss anyone off" this isnt a film where youre only annoying if you actively choose to be.

It would piss me off if you made prejudiced assumptions about my sexuality, based only on a lanyard and titled your post about me "gay classmate..." (if its true the union asked for sexuality and gender and assigned a lanyard i feel thats wildly inappropriate, and could mean hes trans not gay if you want to be that presumptuous) if i were him it would piss me off youve been discussing my sexuality behind my back with your friends. If I were him id find it rude you discussed a party that discluded the minority of the table. If I were him and you were friendly with me I might be hurt at not being invited.

You pay A LOT of attention to him - hes attactive, he might be gay, he opens doors, his various degrees of responsiveness. Youve put so so much energy into him that gives off a vibe.

He could be worried you fancy him? He could have wanted to build a relationship with you to make a wider network? He could fancy you? He could be confused that youre friendly then excluding him from the party? He could have liked you initially and then felt judged/excluded & now is displaying detached politeness?

But I do think youre elevating your importance in the mind of this classmate, when youre the one posting about him to judge and evaluate him more

This to me reads more like you have a thing for him tbh 🤷‍♀️

All I can think of is that this man rightly or wrongly thought you were giving off negative vibes shortly after meeting you OP. Or maybe you were trying to hard (unintentionally) to get on with him, and he found it annoying.

I don’t understand this obsession with prompting people to disclose their sexual orientation by wearing badges, lanyards and ticking boxes on forms.

Bluntly, OP, you sound slightly mad. A guy whose sexuality and good looks you seem fixated on holds a door for you or looks at you in class and suddenly we’re in International Student Honeytrap territory?

But why would it be odd that someone doesn’t like you? Being ‘friendly’ doesn’t guarantee anyone’s feelings towards you will be warm.

@sofiaparker are you in America? Just wondering as US culture especially around university is quite different to the UK.

So you share a heritage that is traditionally conservative?
You’re from the UK but he is not? Being ‘out’ as gay isn’t the norm in his / your traditional heritage?

You both want to be friends but are just massively overthinking each other.

Relax, keep being friendly, it will sort itself out.