'I didn't say that'

[whyaretheylikethis]

Don't you just hate it when you KNOW someone said something to you, you remember it clearly, you know hand on heart they said it. Would put my life savings on it type of know...

Then they hit you with 'I didn't say that' 'you misheard' 'you've made that up' 😡

No point to this thread btw. Just needed to get that off my chest.

Really REALLY aggravates me!

Yes it's very annoying 😑

My husband, every time I raise something he doesn't like to hear !

or "That's not my recollection"

Who is doing this OP? It’s gaslighting and it’s abusive.

My parents about everything in my childhood! They either didn't say or didn't do anything I remember and was also there for.

Memories are fallible, far more than people realise. They can change over time, far more than you would think possible. It's why eyewitness accounts in court should not be given the weight they often are.
That applies to both sies of a conversation.

I literally will not tolerate this. I will not be around anyone who pretends to live in another reality. My abusive ex did this. He would begin with 'I was joking' then later 'I never said it'.

What would you say if the other person, perfectly sincerely, also was convinced that "hand on heart", their recollection (which is different to yours) was correct?

We all have bias to believe our own memories. And as @Greggsit says, despite how convinced we are, the reality, proven many times in many experiments, is that our memories are terrible, fallible and wildly inaccurate, and change over time (you are remembering the last time you recalled the memory, not in fact the memory itself - kind of like playing Chinese whispers with yourself).

We all look at life through our own filters.
Maybe aim for compassion and reaching common understanding - they're often times not doing it intentionally to spite you, and they may be just as frustrated with your "wrong" remembrances....

(And yes, some people also do it intentionally as a tactic )

That’ll be gaslighting.

My dad does this, literally said 'I never said that' so firmly like it's 100% fact. Confused me so much as a kid. Took until I was well into adulthood to realise he was doing it. No idea why because he's otherwise great and he does it for totally insignificant things

I agree.

There have been times I’ve been totally sure someone has said something that they don’t think they have. And there have been times someone else has been totally sure I’ve said something that I’m sure I haven’t. It would seem quite arrogant of me to assume I’m always right in both situations.

ETA - obviously I’m talking about one off situations. Not someone who is constantly saying they didn’t say things.

Same here. People have to make sense or they’re not for me.

It was Dad who hit me with the 'I didn't say that' today!

No dementia or other health issues etc, he's not that old!

I think in this instance, he's just changed his mind regarding what was said and is making a point but claiming he didn't say something, rather than accepting it was agreed because he didn't like the way it was agreed.

It's a real non issue between me and Dad... just got me thinking though about other times people have hit me with the 'I didn't say that!!'

Recollections may differ.

@elviswhorley have you seen this? Might ring some bells
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

My dh about a really rough patch we went through in our marriage a few years ago. 5 years down the line, he totally denies it ever happened!! It’s so weird! He just says “well I don’t remember that” or “we’ve always had such a perfect marriage” and “we’ve always been such a great team, we’re so lucky”. And I think wtaf?! It definitely happened and he definitely was there! Why can’t he just acknowledge it all happened and we got through it?

’Gaslighting’ is now overused to the point of meaninglessness, like ‘mental health’ and ‘burnout’.

On its own, someone saying ‘I didn’t say that’ is not gaslighting. On its own, it is potentially just an example of two different people remembering things differently. Memory is often unreliable. My brother will swear blind he did/didn’t say/do things when I am convinced of the opposite, in some cases I even have email evidence that I am right! This isn’t because he’s trying to gaslight me (he has no reason to), it’s because he is absolutely convinced he did/didn’t say whatever it is. Some people refuse to consider the possibility they might be wrong. I don’t bother to argue now.

Denying you did/didn’t say/do something is only gaslighting if it is part of a bigger pattern of behaviour.

To OP: I agree it’s very VERY annoying!!

I agree its gaslighty and horrible but two can play at that game and if they're gonna do it then so can I.

Get a life

Yes, it's annoying. But so is someone insisting to you that you said/did something when you know full well you didn't.

My memory is so bad I can never actually remember whether I did say "it" or not
🙂

Typical behaviour of narcisstic abuser exDP. Note the 'ex'.

My mum “doesn’t remember” many, many things. They certainly happened. It’s a way to escape any accountability at all. I still believe my memories, even though she’s done it since I was small. She does not like this aspect of my personality. Until recently I have been kind enough not to call her on it. That’s gone now.

If someone said they didn't say something then I just accept I must have misheard them.

I can't stand it when it's the other way round and someone insists I said something that I simply do not think so would never say! And won't accept that they misheard or misunderstood me.

People sometimes put words in other people's mouths to fit their own narrative.