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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not want my 3yo to sleep over...well...anywhere?

28 replies

Pheebe · 07/06/2008 19:43

My ILs keep pestering for it (Nan and Grandad and Aunty, separately) but I think he's too young. He's 4 in September.

Its not something we ever did as little kids only when we were older round at friends. I just don't see the point and the thought of him waking up without me upsets me. Other GCs do but they're older. THey're making me feel like I'm keeping them away from him or something

AIBU?

OP posts:

jellybeans · 07/06/2008 19:45

No YANBU if it doesn't feel right. I don't let my youngest LOs sleep out (loads of their friends pester them) until about 7/8 yrs for friends (if I was confortable with parents etc). They have slept at my mums since about 3 or 4 but I feel totally comfortable with them there and could ring them whenever etc.

ComeOVeneer · 07/06/2008 19:47

If your not comfortable with it then no YANBU. However dd has slept over at IL's and my parents since she was 6 months, ds from a year old (because we lived abroad when he was younger), so I consider a 3-4 year old more than ready to stay with a family member you totally trust.

nowwearefour · 07/06/2008 19:48

my dd1 staying at my brother's tonight for the first time- she not even yet 3 (though will be next month). must say i am slightly uneasy about it and will see how this goes as to whether i allow her away again. but of courrse you know your ds and it is your call not theirs. people do expect a lot too soon - esp if older dcs in the family.YANBU. stick to your guns for as long as it suits you and your ds.

lucyellensmum · 07/06/2008 19:48

YANBU BUT think of the lovely evening you and DH could have, alone, and a lovely peaceful wake up

mosschops30 · 07/06/2008 19:49

YABU in my opinion, but if thats how you feel then thats how you feel.
ds has been staying with his grandparents since he was about 2 months old. Hes now three and sometimes stays with his grandparents, his godfather/mother, or occaisionally his childminder. Its not often maybe once a month but me and dh have a life and need time away from the dc's.

I do think at 3 they should be sleeping out occaisonally and that you should get away with your dh and stay somewhere nice and just be a couple for a night

ComeOVeneer · 07/06/2008 19:49

The point....

THe grandparents love it, the children think it is a great adventure and get spoilt rotten, you and dh get to go out for the evening, or stay in whatever takes your fancy, have an uniterrupted nights sleep and that rare luxury of a lie in!!! IMO it is a win/win/win situation for all concerned. Of course if you spent the whole time worrying about your LO then not so much fun!

sophierosie · 07/06/2008 19:50

Do you think your ds would like it? My dd (3.2) loves staying at one of her grandparents and it makes her feel really grown up - she has her 'own' room there and she loves having things that she and her grandparents do without me or DH.

That said, she does stay with my mother and I would find it harder to leave her with my mil for the night, although I know dd would love it.

Perhaps they want to give you a break - imagine having a lie in! Bliss!

Why does the thought of him waking up without you upset you?

Tommy · 07/06/2008 19:50

DS1 slept over at my Mum's a couple of times when he was a baby (1-2) but since then he hasn't until last summer when he and DS2 stayed over at his god parents and with my ILs on another weekend - they were 5 and nearly 4 at the time but it's not some thing they do regularly

funnypeculiar · 07/06/2008 19:51

What do your think your son would think about it? Would he find it uncomfortable, or would he enjoy the excitement?

Imo & ime, a bit of time away from parents can be quite powerful - they get to cope with things alone, but in a friendly, supportive environment (with you a phonecall away if things do go wrong)

Dd (2) has not had a night away from us yet, but ds had by her age. And at 4, now also has sleepovers with (VERY local) mates. I was nervous at first, but I see how much enjoyment ds gets from being independent, & how much joy it gives to my family to be able to spoil him without me looking disaproving

I'm not saying do it if you & he are both not ready. But I do think that there is a real value for kids in being able to flex their wings (cotton wool culture & all that), so for me, there is 'a point'.

If sleepovers aren't for you, perhaps you could think of something else - a day trip without you say?

RubyRioja · 07/06/2008 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Surfermum · 07/06/2008 19:56

DD loves staying at my parents, and has done since she was about 6 months - and they love having her too. Meanwhile we can have a night out without worrying about getting back for the babysitter or rolling in too druink.

I recently had my friend's children for a sleepover - they were 14 months and 4. She had to go to a family funeral a long way away. Although it was a bit of an experience for me to go from one very easy 4 year old to 2 excited 4 year olds and a crawler - they were all absolutely fine ..... especially at 2 am when they were ALL awake and giggling .

Othersideofthechannel · 07/06/2008 19:57

We started leaving DS overnight at MILs from 20 months for practical reasons (I was sofa-bound towards the end of second pregnancy).

It helped a lot that we had stayed as a family (it's too far for a day trip) and both MIL and DS were used to being together at bedtime and first thing in the morning.

Any chance you could stay over with him the first time?

FrannyandZooey · 07/06/2008 19:59

my mum has asked, my ds doesn't want to
he's 5
he's going to possibly stay with a friend for the night when I have the baby
he's just about ok with the idea

xlr8 · 07/06/2008 20:02

YANBU if you are uncomfortable with it. I recently had a friends 2yo ds to stay the night and he spent the whole night crying because ( i found out afterwards) it was the first time he had stayed away from home!
I think his first time should have been with a family member.
However my own have stayed with both sets of grandparents ( never anyone else though) from a very young age and they love it and I have to say I quite like an over night break myself as I get a bit of quality time with dh, OH and the lie in
Overall it is your choice and don't be pushed in to it if you are not ready.

sophiewd · 07/06/2008 20:06

If that is how you feel then fine but DD has been having occasional sleepovers with my parents since whe was 9 months, we have even been on 2 city breaks which have been lovely spending time with DH and remembering what it was like beofre her. It also means that if there is an emergency as DH's family live a few hours away, there is someone who she is used to to stay with.

littleboyblue · 07/06/2008 20:08

I let my 10 month old sleep over with family members at every opportunity. He's spent god knows how many nights away from me, and tbh I love it.
The 1st time he was only about a month old, I was very nervous and dp had to take him to mum's coz I couldn't face it, but the more it's happened, the more I enjoy the time away from him.
Both my parents love it, ds stays up late, gets given foods that I wouldn't give him (odd biscuit) and generally gets spoilt rotten.
I think it's good for them to have some time away from us every now and then. I have a night off about every 6 weeks and plan to continue this forever.
I also know that if I can't be around for whatever reason, i.e. in hospital or whatever, ds is gonna be fine without me.
Everyone's different and you have to do what you feel is right and what you are comfortable with.

LoveMyGirls · 07/06/2008 20:12

My dd's have just come back from being away (abroad) with their gp's for 2 weeks my eldest is nearly 9 youngest nearly 3, I thought dd2 would find it really hard, I worried she would cry for me, miss me etc she wasn't bothered in the slightest, they've all had a wonderful time and come back feeling refreshed and happy as anything - just what we all need, we had chance to have 2 weekends away (one romantic and one with family) we've seen our friends, got odd jobs done round the house, caught up on paperwork, had lie in's and got engaged!!

We've never been alone for so long as I already had dd1 when we got together, it's been a great break and although i missed them loads it was lovely to have freedom (just picking up my bag and keys and walking out the house, I kept feeling i'd forgotten something but was still ncie to nip and do the food shopping in less then an hour).

Before they went I was worn out, dd1's attitude was awful but now we're all so grateful to be back together, it feels like a fresh start.

Now I'm not panicking about everything I should be getting done but havent got round to (like the 15mths worth of accounts that's been haunting me) and they haven't been trying to entertain themselves while I've been really busy getting on with stuff, I feel so much better now it's done but I could never have done it so quickly if dd's had been here, I had to leave piles of reciepts on the table for 2 days - they would never have stayed still if dd2 was here so i'd have had to put them away and get them out etc.

My dd's have always stayed out at least once a month with gp's and I think it's great they are so confident and independant, they know I'm at the end of the phone and here when they come home.

I am a childminder and adore spending time with children but sometimes I need a bit of time to get things in order and have a break I'm not ashamed of admitting that and I'm very lucky my dd's gp's are so willing to help and support us.

wannaBe · 07/06/2008 20:15

you say that him waking up without you upsets you. Why is this?

because you think he will be upset when he wakes up and you're not there?

because he might not be upset at all and it's upsetting to think that he might be totally comfortable away from you and not really miss you?

My mum has asked my ds if he would like to stay at her house overnight and he has always said no, he's 5. However if we've been away then my parents come and stay at our house and ds is perfectly happy with this. I actualy think ds would be happier to go and stay over at MILs than my mum's but ILs live miles away so not an option.

deaconblue · 07/06/2008 20:20

no, I don't like ds staying anywhere else either (he's 2). occasionally my mum has had him overnight but she comes to our house so he's in his own environment but even then I find I spend the time away feeling a bit odd and virtually race back the next morning. He stayed at my sister's once and she heard him comforting himself "don't worry ds, ok, ok, ok" and when I heard that I decided not to leave him til he's much older

LEMONADEGIRL · 07/06/2008 20:24

YANBU it is up you and then your ds if he is ready. He is only three and there will lots of time when he is older when he can stay there is no rush. Dont let them push you into something for the sake of their feelings if it will upset yours.

My inlaws live 20 miles from us and would love to have ds overnight but I am not happy about it as he is 20 mths. So as a compromise so that they can feel involved I ask them to come to mine and look after him. They all have tea together and they bath and read stories and put him to bed. This all while we go out for drinks and dinner. Perhaps you could try something similar?

funnypeculiar · 07/06/2008 20:53

Congratulations, Lovemygirls - getting engaged is a pretty dramatic effect of a sleepover

LoveMyGirls · 07/06/2008 20:56

Thanks FP we've been together a long time, about 6 and a half years so not a rushed engagement

funnypeculiar · 07/06/2008 21:02

Still very exciting - is there a thread with the story - link please (sorry for hijack, Pheebe)

alicet · 07/06/2008 21:22

YANBU - your ds, your rules. Don't have to justify that to anyone.

However, I personally think you are mad! (I mean that in the nicest possible way by the way). Dh and I LOVE it when the ds's stay overnight at their grandparents - we get some really valuable time for us. And the ds's love it as they get spoilt rotten.

I do trust both sets of grandparents implicitly though and they both go out of their way to do exactly what I wish in caring for them both even if some of the way dh and I parent is not what they would do if it was their choice. And I know without question that if there were any problems they would be in touch like a shot. So it's easy for me really.

If you haven't already why not try a day away first and if this goes well try staying in a hotel for the night nearby? If you wouldn't enjoy the break as you would spend all the time worrying then perhaps not worth it for you though.

Original poster

Pheebe · 07/06/2008 21:35

Wow thank you so much for replying everyone. I think perhaps I am being a bit unreasonable

We don't need the break/us time/lie in, we have ds2 whos 7 months anyway but both boys have always been great sleepers so it not really for our benefit its for him and with that in mind I think perhaps I am holding him back a bit. You're right, he would have a fab and very special time with them and he probably is ready.

Next time it comes up and if he wants to I think I'll say yes, DH promises to go get him if he's unhappy (they're only 20 mins away)

Thanks ladies

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