Struggling with DP when we have no plans

happystar123 · 12/11/2025 20:16

I am exactly the same, I have massive FOMO!

Fidgety31 · 12/11/2025 20:17

He sounds like he gets bored easily .. but that’s not your problem to fix . Let him sort his own activities out . Don’t become his mum and do it all for him !

TheTwitcher11 · 12/11/2025 20:18

Rachel899 · 12/11/2025 20:15

DP is always a bit down if we have more than a day without anything planned. This week for example, we’ve got a week off work and have cancelled plans to have a few nights away as DC has been ill (nothing serious, we just thought it better not to have nights away from home). We’ve done a few things already but nothing lined up for tomorrow yet.

He openly says he struggles to have empty days and likes having things to look forward to. I on the other hand would gladly have a day pottering around etc.

He has always been like this, can be tetchy led in bed on a Saturday morning if we’ve got nothing on.

Do you think this is normal? Does anyone else get a similar feeling.

I’m sure he’s secretly looking forward to returning to work on Monday lol.

I always think ‘ADHD’ (i’m the same btw lol)

AhBiscuits · 12/11/2025 20:22

My DH is like this and is constantly trying to schedule stuff for all free time. I love having nothing in particular to do. Luckily I have a day off without him for pottering.

ThatChristmasMug · 12/11/2025 20:22

I can't think of anything worst than pottering around, but surely an adult can sort themselves out, and.. make plans?

He openly says he struggles to have empty days and likes having things to look forward to. fair enough, but who's stopping him?

Why can he go out to do things, even just half a day, when you stay home doing nothing? Why does he even need to include you?

Mandylovescandy · 12/11/2025 20:22

Is it that you have an expectation that you will spend the day together but no actual plan? I find this stressful with DP because I think we have agreed we are having the day together but he will happily potter and spend forever getting ready before making a plan and I don't know if I can fit example go off to the gym or start a longer job so it feels like I am just waiting about for him

KatyaKat · 12/11/2025 20:25

Mandylovescandy · 12/11/2025 20:22

Is it that you have an expectation that you will spend the day together but no actual plan? I find this stressful with DP because I think we have agreed we are having the day together but he will happily potter and spend forever getting ready before making a plan and I don't know if I can fit example go off to the gym or start a longer job so it feels like I am just waiting about for him

Why can't you just say "I'm off to the gym for an hour whilst you get ready", or "I'm just going to clean the oven while you decide what you want to do/get ready", why do you have to be passive, or not communicate?

Original poster

Rachel899 · 12/11/2025 20:26

Mandylovescandy · 12/11/2025 20:22

Is it that you have an expectation that you will spend the day together but no actual plan? I find this stressful with DP because I think we have agreed we are having the day together but he will happily potter and spend forever getting ready before making a plan and I don't know if I can fit example go off to the gym or start a longer job so it feels like I am just waiting about for him

Yea, I think so. He does go to the gym but tomorrow is a rest day for him. He can get annoyed if I take a while to get ready (would still be out the house by 11/11.30) - he’d rather be up early and get out to do something with the day in his words.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 12/11/2025 20:27

So why can't he?

Tell him you're stopping in tomorrow and he can get himself out if he wants.

Zempy · 12/11/2025 20:30

I’m like you OP but surely he is capable of doing stuff without you?

ThatChristmasMug · 12/11/2025 20:31

Rachel899 · 12/11/2025 20:26

Yea, I think so. He does go to the gym but tomorrow is a rest day for him. He can get annoyed if I take a while to get ready (would still be out the house by 11/11.30) - he’d rather be up early and get out to do something with the day in his words.

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you just need to agree on the time you are leaving?

Then he can choose to do something else first, or not.

AmyDuPlantier · 12/11/2025 20:32

A whole day pottering at home with a kid just turns into choresville. I was very much like him when my children were little too - up and out! Then back mid-afternoon and stick a movie on while I had a glass of wine.

Enrichetta · 12/11/2025 20:37

he’d rather be up early and get out to do something with the day

well yes, unless we had planned to have a lazy day that would frustrate me too. I’d be frustrated if my husband took hours to get ready - for what exactly……. Why does it take so long?

However, it isn’t clear to what extent HE is planning things. Or does he mostly rely on you to come up with ideas, book stuff, etc.

RubySquid · 12/11/2025 20:41

Rachel899 · 12/11/2025 20:26

Yea, I think so. He does go to the gym but tomorrow is a rest day for him. He can get annoyed if I take a while to get ready (would still be out the house by 11/11.30) - he’d rather be up early and get out to do something with the day in his words.

Show quote history

11.30? Half the day gone!!

It would drive me insane having to hang around all day doing nothing. I couldn't live with someone who does faffing, pottering or spends all evening watching tv

outerspacepotato · 12/11/2025 20:42

He's a high energy, low boredom tolerance type who needs lots of stimulation and novelty and you're not.

You're not joined at the hip. He's going to have to get his dopamine hits without you sometimes. He can plan activities to do for himself on days you're not feeling like going out.

justasking111 · 12/11/2025 20:48

He needs a hobby he can pick up. My Duracell bunny husband has fishing, shooting, cycling. That keeps him out of mischief. Yesterday he had to take me to the hospital in the afternoon so went out in the morning. This morning I had physio. He's driving me around post surgery. So this afternoon he went fishing.

If he gets antsy I tell him to hop on his bike.

He never stops at 74. But I'm well used to it.

RubySquid · 12/11/2025 20:54

ThatChristmasMug · 12/11/2025 20:22

I can't think of anything worst than pottering around, but surely an adult can sort themselves out, and.. make plans?

He openly says he struggles to have empty days and likes having things to look forward to. fair enough, but who's stopping him?

Why can he go out to do things, even just half a day, when you stay home doing nothing? Why does he even need to include you?

Maybe the Op wantshim to spend the time with her. However if it's just to doss about then it's better he's able to do things he chooses instead

FlockofSquirrels · 12/11/2025 20:57

My DH is like that, and he's a morning person. I'm introverted with a job and busy family that leaves me craving calm time at home and loathe mornings. We solve it by him scheduling activities for himself and any of the DC who want to join in the mornings while I plan a lazy morning for myself and the DC who are in the mood for that.

So like other posters I'm wondering what the barrier is to him just going and doing something in the morning without you is.

Thickasabrick89 · 12/11/2025 21:19

I've read OPs posts with a shudder.

You leave the house at 11/11:30?? No wonder he's antsy, why does it take so long to get out? All the good car parking spots are long gone by then!

We regularly leave the house at 8:30 on a weekend and go walking in the peaks and that's with a 3 year old. Pre children we'd be up a mountain at 7:30

Pottering round the house sounds dull? What does that even mean? Batch cooking and cleaning and sorting/DIY? That's our rainy day activity and i don't consider it pleasure.

Swissmeringue · 12/11/2025 21:21

It's absolutely fine that he struggles staying home with nothing to do but he doesn't need to make that everyone else's problem. I'm exactly the same, a day at home pottering about with the kids is my own personal hell. However I get that everyone else needs some downtime so I generally get myself out for an hour or so (Saturday mornings I ride my bike to the bakery to get pastries, kids are welcome to join if they like) or suggest we all go for a walk in the afternoon.

goodnightssleepbenice · 12/11/2025 21:33

I’m the same as your DH , I want to know on a Friday night what we are doing for the weekend . Even if I’m knackered and feel like I need some chill time at the weekend I soon get bored of that and want to go out .pottering about invariably turns out to mean doing jobs which is not how I want to spend my weekends.

Talkingtomyhouseplants · 12/11/2025 21:37

My DH is the exact opposite - he gets very stressed if we have “too many” plans and begs me for a weekend with nothing on

swingingbytheseat · 12/11/2025 21:42

I’m like this and ADHD

arethereanyleftatall · 12/11/2025 21:46

It’s interesting how different everyone is. And, I would have thought, how important it thus must be to compatible if you’re a couple, especially if you’re joined at the hip.
neither is right nor wrong, just different.
i’m a potterer, my absolute heaven is pottering around in my own company. I’ll probs do something eventually. Or maybe not. I would not be able to stand living with a doer, and thus, don’t.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/11/2025 21:47

Talkingtomyhouseplants · 12/11/2025 21:37

My DH is the exact opposite - he gets very stressed if we have “too many” plans and begs me for a weekend with nothing on

I agree with him. And I’m getting ‘worse’. To the point that I’m almost sighing with relief when I get back from a holiday that I can cross it off my to do list.