To leave Dad alone on Xmas day

[VelvetLady88]

My Dad was punched by a family member about 20yrs ago on Xmas day which was unprovoked. I was there and saw the full incident. This led to the breakdown of our family as Dad pressed charges against the family member & refused to be in the same room as them. We remained in contact with his Mum & Dad & used to spend Boxing Day with them but they have both now passed away.
Dad doesn't cook dinner but will buy me a ready meal for dinner. He doesn't decorate for Xmas but will get us a small gift each. Last year he said he didn't want any gifts & refused to accept any presents. I had to return them all which was upsetting as it was things he needed such as slippers & a new razor. Every year he just speaks about getting punched & the family breakdown. I struggle to redirect the conversation & when I asked to speak about something else he asked me to leave at 7am on Boxing Day. I managed to persuade him to let me wait until the 1st train home was due.
I really don't want to go this year. It's so difficult having to listen to him go over events & he has started bad mouthing his parents for not resolving the situation. I find this distressing as I was very close to my Grandparents & miss them a lot especially at Xmas. My Dad has mental health issues & has no other family or friends. I feel guilty leaving him alone. He won't go to any community events for people in there own at Xmas. Ideally, I would visit on both Xmas Eve afternoon & Boxing Day afternoon for an hour or 2. This means I would also be on own Xmas Day but I don't keep well & would be glad of a day at home to rest. My cleaner asked me today if I was looking forward to Xmas & I didn't know what to say.

Visit your dad on xmas eve and boxing day and spend Christmas Day alone doing the things YOU want to do. It's not like if you visited your dad on Christmas Day it would be a celebration anyway as he doesnt even want Christmas stuff so it's like another day to him. You are allowed to be happy.

This all sounds incredibly difficult and sad. I think you should do what's best for you this year (and not feeling guilty about putting yourself first for once).

Who punched your dad? Was it a thing in your family that it was the wrong thing to do to report assault and the violent person became the victim in this?

It was his Brother in Law. That's exactly what happened. I remember my cousins called me a grass at school as I gave a statement to the police at the time.

And did the family side with the bil?

I'm so sorry, that sounds really difficult and upsetting. It's so hard when everyone seems to be happy and celebrating but Christmas is a difficult time for many people. I would go and see your dad on Boxing Day and have Christmas Day to yourself. Do whatever you can to bring you some comfort and rest. Buy your favourite food, curl up in your comfiest pj's and blankets and watch happy films or programmes. You deserve to look after yourself and prioritise your own wellbeing. I'm sad for your dad that he hasn't been able to get past what happened to him and find some peace but it doesn't sound like you being there will make it any better for him. You are important too and you deserve a break. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Yanbu to spend the day how you wish and I'd see your Dad on Christmas eve instead. I can see why he has struggled to let that incident go as it had a big impact on his life as it will have contributed to his mental health issues.

Maybe go around to Dad's Christmas morning for an hour. Bring him some food treats and make sure he's OK. Then leave and enjoy not having to go anywhere until you feel like it.

Sometimes people can be their own worst enemies and will never let things go. You cannot make yourself ill by being a part of that.

Do the minimum necessary and protect your own well being is my advice.

You deserve to have a relaxing Christmas Day, get some nice food and drinks in and put something cosy on with a good film or book. I would visit your Dad Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. It is just one Christmas and you’re allowed to put yourself first. Often we do our best to please everyone else at Christmas but we are all allowed to have a Christmas Day we can enjoy.

His parents remained neutral but Sister, Brother in Law & Cousins never spoke to him again for getting the police involved. Wider family remain civil if he meets them in the street but this doesn't happen often. Dad & his Brother in Law weren't invited to family events after the incident.

Refusing to celebrate Christmas with your child because you got punched 20 years ago and still obsessing over it is absolutely not normal. He needs help for his mental health and you need to start celebrating Christmas without him.

Made worse by it being miserable with the one person (you) who stood by him

I think visit on Boxing Day.

He is well supported by the mental health team for his mental health.

So your grandparents by remaining “neutral felt that their violent sil wasn’t in the wrong? @VelvetLady88 ?

I don't fully understand the situation tbh. I spoke to Gran about it towards the end of her life & she said there was domestic abuse in the relationship between my Aunt & Uncle & Gran was worried if she was seen to be taking sides my uncle would stop her from seeing my cousins & potentially move the family to the country he came from. Before my cousin was born, he stopped my Aunt from having contact with the family.

So theyd rather pander to and concede to someone who’d been aggressive to both their children than rock the boat?
your poor dad to be of such low importance to his parents.

That's good news OP and do remind yourself of that - you are not your Dad's keeper or carer - his feelings are not the only ones that matter just because he has MH issues, your feelings and emotions matter too.

Just say very "by the way" you have plans for Xmas Eve and Xmas Day this year but will pop in Boxing Day pm. And then commit to treating yourself really, really well! Good food, nice snacks, some lovely drinks, some presents.

Good luck and I wish you a very, very Happy Christmas!

It’’s a very sad situation for both of you. Can you actually have a conversation with him about it? From your description of last year, does he even want to see you? Has he invited you?

How awful he wasn't included again because someone punched him in the face. No wonder he hasn't got past it. Why don't you ask him if he'd be ok with you coming in Boxing Day and test the water?

I am my Dad's carer & I think that's why I feel guilty about leaving him alone. I think my Grandparents were terrified they were going to lose contact with my Aunt & Cousins & that they could be harmed by my Uncle so my Grandparents just tried to keep the peace.

I haven't asked him outright about visiting at Xmas. He was happy to see me last year. He had bought me a ready meal I like & got me a present. He wouldn't have let me in to the house if he didn't want me there as he has done that when he has been unwell.

It sounds like he was really let down by his family. You can’t carry the responsibility for their failure OP. If your Dad doesn’t want to celebrate Christmas that’s up to him, tell him you love him anyway and then spend the day how you want to.

I think Dad wasn't included in family events as everyone was scared my Uncle would punch my Dad again as he was furious at him for pressing charges. My Dad was also very angry at my Uncle for years & I think everyone was worried there would be an incident if they were in the same room.

When I've worked on Xmas Day in the past, Dad has phoned me to wish me Merry Christmas & then spoke at length about what happened on the Xmas he got punched.

He sounds traumatised.