AIBU to want child support?

[CandyColouredEggshells]

I’ve been separated since April 2024, divorce came through April this year, and with the house sale we both bought our own properties with mortgages. It hasn’t been easy (he was emotionally and psychologically abusive, coercive and just generally not a nice guy, my previous threads are probably here somewhere without going into too much detail) but I managed to sort things.

We have 50/50 custody of DD, and it mostly works. The problem I have is I earn about £50k, and XHB earns about £104k. When we separated he didn’t see why he should pay me child support because “that would make it like I was paying you to look after her and we look after her equally” and said she’d never go without and if she needed something he’d get it. Obviously that isn’t working, he is a typical Disney dad and she gets everything she wants granted, and if I specifically ask he will sometimes get it.

For example in the holidays I bought her school uniform, new bag, pencil case, lunchbox, new coats, and asked him to get her some school shoes and trainers for PE. Which he did. I had to find out through DD because he ignores me now, but she did tell me he was taking her and shoes did appear.

He said he was going to send me money for half her coat but didn’t, I’ve been paying for her dance classes every month since we split up without him contributing and now I’ve forked out £60 on the rehearsals and costumes for the Christmas show and asked him for half and he’s ignored me. The frustrating thing is if he doesn’t see her show DD would be heartbroken so I’ll have to offer him a ticket too (last year I told him I wouldn’t be booking him one without payment upfront and he did eventually send it).

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Don’t have money for solicitors, don’t want to speak to him about it, especially if I’m not really entitled to anything as we do have 50/50 custody. I can get by, it’s just infuriating.

If you use a co-parenting app like talking parents you can just post the claims for tickets/coats/etc on it. Even if he doesn't pay, atleast there is a record of it. But, hopefully it will shame him into paying.

Well not unreasonable to ask for a contribution to these things

but given he has 50/50 and does seem to buy a lot for her - you obviously don’t have any actual legal justification for asking

Zero point talking to a solicitor where 50/50

and he will be able to point to lots of stuff he is buying her that you deem “Disney”

Not much you can do when it’s 50-50. Keep chasing him I guess for what he owes.

Why don’t you use the CMS to calculate what you’re owed?

I did this with our circumstances posing as me (so 50/50 and I earn and he earns) and it said I was entitled to £80 pw. But when I did it posing as him with figures it said he was entitled to £40 pw. So does that theoretically mean that I should be getting £40?

I know we have 50/50, but I suppose if I make the figures really basic for my own understanding.

If it costs £100 a week to look after a child and both share equal custody then it costs each parent £50 a week.

If one parent earns £50k and the other earns £100k then would the higher earner not be responsible for more of the cost of the child and so be paying the lower earner?

Or is that me being really naive and hopeful?

Sorry but I don’t think you are entitled to their money. Your child is entitled to be supported by parents - you are 50/50 paying the costs for that child. Divorce will provide dispersion of the assets of the marriage.

He does buy a lot for her… skincare, makeup, clothes, accessories, toys, plushies, fidgets.

Nothing for school or extra-curricular without nagging and/or prompting and most the time then I don’t get it. So frustrating that when she wants something I make a note to put it on her Christmas list. Not only do I have a chance he’ll just buy it for her as “a treat” but I might be able to get her more treats if I wasn’t buying all the sensible stuff all the time.

Not a dig at you, sorry, I’m just fed up.

I don’t know but I would definitely just make an application and take the £80 or whatever you get awarded per week! Then it’s all sorted and he can’t argue. Saves you stress in the long run.

If you have true 50/50 no maintenance is payable by either parent based on the specific figures provided.

Maintenance may be owed with 50/50 by a parent that makes above £156000, under the court’s jurisdiction.

As your ex does not make in excess of £156000, he does not owe you maintenance.

Sorry I don’t know what you mean? When we divorced the only asset we had was the house which we sold and split the proceeds 50/50. I’m not asking for spousal maintenance, just money towards DD’s stuff. We’re currently not paying 50/50 because I’m paying for the majority of stuff she needs.

Thank you, that’s interesting, where did you get this from please?

According to the CMS intro to the calculator:

You will not have anything to pay through the Child Maintenance Service if you are:

• sharing care equally with the other parent
• a full-time student with no income
• in prison

Another MN poster recently ran afoul of blindly trusting the calculator, and not only lost a significant amount of money, but is now likely going to have to pay back the money she did manage to claim from him.

Sorry I read the divorce date wrong (thought it was coming through) . Sadly you don’t get to choose what he spends on anymore unfortunately - obviously it would be nice if you can work together but it doesn’t sound like he wants to.

I think you might be right, because I’ve just read that. Annoying thing is in the calculator there’s a question that asks how much time they spend with the other parent and there is the option to select half and half. And it does say “You will not get child maintenance if the day-to-day care of your child is equal between parents.” CARE, not TIME.

But then again, I’m too scared to do anything beyond text him and ask and then accept when he ignores me. And I don’t want the fight if I have to try and prove what I buy for her, and he’ll just hate me even more then.

"If one parent earns £50k and the other earns £100k then would the higher earner not be responsible for more of the cost of the child and so be paying the lower earner?"

You're not a partnership anymore

Where did I personally get it? I have a law degree and worked in the field of family law.

Here are a couple of sources that explain it:
www.stewartslaw.com/news/adjusted-mostyn-f

tvedwards.com/news-and-blogs/blogs/understanding-child-maintenance-and-top-up-orders/

Ah, I see.

I think you might be right. Yup when we were getting divorced he’d always care about me and always look after us and DD would never go without. When he realised I was actually going to live in a house on my own (don’t know what he thought would happen) he suddenly couldn’t have anything to do with me or remember to pay for school things. That got 100% worse when I met someone about a year after we separated. Trust me the only thing I ever want to interact with him over is DD.

It’s the mind games I hate the most, I paid the deposit on her residential months ago, we needed to pay the balance and he agreed to split it. I would not have been able to afford the full amount on my own, he continuously ignored me and when I caught him in person (went to pick up DD) I had to practically jump up and down in front of him for him to acknowledge me for him to nonchalantly wave his hand and say he’ll sort it. He sent me half the money days before the deadline.

Why were the house proceeds split 50/50? Was there no negotiation for more in your favour considering the disparity in your earnings?

Sorry 😂just asking as I’d not seen THAT on the CM calculator website.

The legal definition of ‘care’ here is distinct from your understanding of what it means (that isn’t a criticism of you, this is a common cause of confusion).

Maintenance, or lack thereof, is decided according to the time spent in the care of each parent, day and night.

Shrugs
Because I was an absolutely broken woman who just wanted to be allowed to leave, couldn’t afford a divorce solicitor and he dragged his feet over everything else so much I just wanted to be able to start over. If I’d have tried to negotiate on the split of the proceeds of sale he’d have made my life even more miserable.

Just for context, our house sold, I had an offer accepted on my house the week later and six weeks later he was still looking but nothing really seemed right for him. This was just before the stamp duty change and I was desperate to move before the end of March, I went and begged him to move into rented accommodation just temporarily, offered to help help him and help arrange storage and he said no, then he said I was a vile, horrible toxic person and he hoped I was never happy, hoped one day I woke up and realised what I’d done and what I’d thrown away and couldn’t live with myself. So yeah.

No personal experience but, sadly, I doubt that you are entitled to CM, given that custody is 50:50, despite the disparity in your earnings.

im wondering, though, if instead of chasing him for his share of individual items, it might be more straightforward if you emailed him a monthly summary of what each of you have spent - obviously focusing on major items rather than day to day expenses.

That would make the disparity in contributions and his need to make up the shortfall crystal clear.

I think you might be right, I’m just frustrated more than anything. If I never had to see him or speak to him again it’d be a relief, and I am stuck between chasing him for half of things again and not engaging with him because he’s horrid.