AIBU to want child support?

[CandyColouredEggshells]

I’ve been separated since April 2024, divorce came through April this year, and with the house sale we both bought our own properties with mortgages. It hasn’t been easy (he was emotionally and psychologically abusive, coercive and just generally not a nice guy, my previous threads are probably here somewhere without going into too much detail) but I managed to sort things.

We have 50/50 custody of DD, and it mostly works. The problem I have is I earn about £50k, and XHB earns about £104k. When we separated he didn’t see why he should pay me child support because “that would make it like I was paying you to look after her and we look after her equally” and said she’d never go without and if she needed something he’d get it. Obviously that isn’t working, he is a typical Disney dad and she gets everything she wants granted, and if I specifically ask he will sometimes get it.

For example in the holidays I bought her school uniform, new bag, pencil case, lunchbox, new coats, and asked him to get her some school shoes and trainers for PE. Which he did. I had to find out through DD because he ignores me now, but she did tell me he was taking her and shoes did appear.

He said he was going to send me money for half her coat but didn’t, I’ve been paying for her dance classes every month since we split up without him contributing and now I’ve forked out £60 on the rehearsals and costumes for the Christmas show and asked him for half and he’s ignored me. The frustrating thing is if he doesn’t see her show DD would be heartbroken so I’ll have to offer him a ticket too (last year I told him I wouldn’t be booking him one without payment upfront and he did eventually send it).

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Don’t have money for solicitors, don’t want to speak to him about it, especially if I’m not really entitled to anything as we do have 50/50 custody. I can get by, it’s just infuriating.

Have you signed a consent order?

I feel for you, OP. I am in a similar situation. I try to keep my interaction as minimal as possible with nasty abusive exH, so just take the financial hit. I do not ask him for anything that isn't already covered in the Child Arrangements Order. I am lucky that I can afford it (although he earns many times more than I do) so I just let it go. Hope you can find a way to get through to him or that you can accept that this is the way it will be. Those are the only options to avoid feeling stuck and frustrated.

No

Thank you, and snap. I can afford it, I manage. But honestly feel like asking if he’s planning on paying anything towards the dance show he’s going to watch her perform in. 😂

I keep thinking if I rise to it he knows I’m stressed or struggling and I’ll do anything to avoid that.

Really frustrating, but I doubt there is anything you can do, beyond keep asking and asking for his half. If he isn't willing to make the effort to interact with you, what can you do? Thankfully, beyond co-parenting, he's not your problem anymore, so take that as a massive blessing.
I think the key to handling someone who gets a kick out of control is grey rock. Keep everything extremely basic, cordial and factual. He's probably getting a real kick out of keeping you dangling with money. I'd rather struggle than give him that. My friend once had this with her wealthy ex, and he only started paying his share more often when he was smirking on the doorstep about not paying for something and she said 'oh, I didn't realise you were struggling with your finances, sorry to hear that'. His huge ego couldn't stand that she thought he might be poor and she didn't have so many issues from then on 🤷‍♀️ shows how pathetic and controlling some are.

It’s a difficult situation to be in op, I do sympathise.

How old is your daughter?
How does the 50/50 split work practically? One week on, one week off, or a division of the week on a rolling basis?

For things like school uniform, I’ve known friends who. Have bought enough uniform for their care of the child, that stays in their home. When dad is doing school, he can provide uniform.

50:50 on equity is likely to be deemed fair in divorce based on

same housing needs
ops earning level
shared care of child

He lives with other children?

Then you might still have claims on each others assets...

Yes but if she does that, I imagine he’ll then do the same with the school shoes and PE trainers he bought.

Including pensions and other investments...

Erm, dunno how you’ve got here lol, but yes his GF and her DC live there too.

Completely, I’m torn between being so mad he doesn’t pay his way (he would say he does, he gets her everything she wants, blah blah blah) and being so stubborn that I won’t ever
go cap in hand to that man.

I think in theory that works in a rational world, problem is I’m not in a rational world 😂

She’s 10, and we do 2 nights, 2 nights, 3 nights. So we get every other weekend to spend the whole weekend with her.

The only buying things for when she’s with me sort of works, unless the mufti days end up falling on days when he drops her off and I pick her up a couple of times and then I don’t have any more school trousers so have to ask for them back.

Feel like I’ve gone off on a tangent now, but still 🤣🤣

it is relevant @CandyColouredEggshells because any CMS calculation would incorporate that he lives with another child Op ie be less.

50:50…. I’m afraid no chance op especially he is living with another child

She’s 10, and we do 2 nights, 2 nights, 3 nights. So we get every other weekend to spend the whole weekend with her.

this sounds so disruptive for this child

No, but they were when they agreed to raise a child together. If he contributed more to the care of the child financially when they were together, why should the child be disadvantaged by the dissolution of the relationship?

When I/we were researching how to co-parent and do the split it was an example that came up and so far it’s worked fine for us, she has a bedroom and her stuff at both houses and we live fairly close to each other.

The way I see it she gets to see both her parents every week. If she ever seemed fed up with it I’d obviously address it then.

I know it’s not really about me but I couldn’t imagine not seeing her for a whole week, and what if Christmas was mid-week, how do you navigate that? Genuinely curious here.

@CandyColouredEggshellshave you tried https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance calculator for an average calculation?
I would be inclined to call them and ask - you have nothing to lose.

You're letting him control your emotions via his actions and this is the main thing we are free from when we leave them.

He sorts his own ticket for school.

Use AppClose, it's free.

I see it as you both have care of the child and you both spend what you have. I'm not counting pennies and begging my ex for his money because I don't have the energy. I like a stress-free life. I like spending on my child. I'm proud of what I can provide for her.

You’re right, and I do manage, and I am so proud that I’ve got a mortgage and a house in which I can put the heating on and stock the fridge with no help from anyone.

Sometimes it just feels unfair, and I sit and mutter to myself over a glass of wine 😂

But you’re right and it is wasted energy and emotions that he shouldn’t be able to still provoke.

Thank you but a PP somewhere has pointed out that this isn’t reliable because you’re not entitled of you share custody 50/50, bit daft really as it asks in the calculator how much time they spend with the other parent and there’s an option to say half the time.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Will check this thread less frequently as I think I have my answer. It doesn’t feel fair but don’t think luck (or the law) is on my side with this one.

Ah well!