Spreading the load at Christmas

[Mandy1010]

so it looks like we are going to spend Christmas at home this year due to other family having plans and the other half falling out with his sister and already I am not forward to the prospect

it will just be myself, other half, DD and my DM I think. my DM is not very mobile so it will
limit a bit what we can do.

im looking for people’s thoughts on how to spread the load. mine and other half’s relationship is in a bad place. He typically does pretty much nothing to help at Christmas. Barely buys any presents if he does it’s last minute and the last couple of years I have got something that I really don’t want and kind of wonder if he even knows me. He likes to come buy a Christmas tree and might load the dishwasher but that will pretty much be his contribution to Christmas. Last year I asked for a contribution to the cost of DD’s presents. How do I stop my resentment at having to do it all ruining Christmas for myself as much as anyone? How can I spread the load more fairly? In a loving relationship obviously the partner would want to help and make it special but we are not in that place

i used to love Christmas but feel that has slowly ebbed away by his attitude and the load and my own wanting it to be special for DD. I still want to make it special for my DD10.
I have pushed back a couple of years ago on me getting his presents for his family. He can do it but I feel bad for the disappointing or late presents they then get. I will end up tidying house up, cleaning, putting decks up with daughter, all the deciding food, buying food, prepping and cooking, all other present buying and wrapping etc. I’m just fed up of how unfair it is. Obviously this isn’t really just at Christmas but all year round.

im thinking of seeing people tasks. Of saying everyone can’t just slope off to the lounge and leave me cooking in the kitchen all day on my own whilst they all have a jolly time ( sorry I am being negative and so resentful!). But I feel if I set tasks and he just puts them off and puts them off that I will end up even more annoyed and let down.

maybe though i am being unreasonable? It is a small group after all. Maybe I should just suck it up. It just feels so unfair though that he can just rock up and everything is done for him.

To be honest, your DP sounds like a waste of space all round and you'd probably have a better, and much less resentful, Christmas without him. There's no way of making someone share the work when they don't want to - learned the lesson with my XH and it's part of the reason he's an ex, he wouldn't even know what the children were getting for Christmas until they unwrapped it, because he took so little interest.

If that's not possible, can you simplify? Buy ready made, ready prepared food, just shove it in the oven, eat off paper plates, serve on tinfoil. Anyone who complains can be told that it's their turn to do all the work next year....

Just some presents and a bit of dinner isn't it?

Has it always been like this?

No it’s not fair - and you don’t have to accept it. I know you feel bad on his behalf but let him fail and let him deal with the consequences.

How long have you been together? Does he usually pull his weight at home? Do you both work?

I’d absolutely put my foot down. None of it is all your responsibility and you should be sharing the load 50/50. I wouldn’t even just give him a list of tasks to do cause that’s still handholding. I’d sit him down and start the conversation and ensure he takes part and accepts some of the jobs. Divide and conquer! Some stuff you can do together like the cooking etc and other things you can split and get done quicker ie food shopping present shopping or whatever.

I’ve been single for years now and one thing I’ve learnt is that people treat you how you allow them to. Don’t accept this kind of behaviour you’re not his mother.

It doesn’t even have to just be aimed at him - how old is DD? Can she be given jobs too?

I’m not surprised you’re no longer enjoying Christmas! It’s just another long list of stuff to do - which as you say when you all contribute it’s enjoyable and family time but if it’s all left to one person there’s no joy in that.

You need to put your foot down and he needs to know you mean it - if this sort of thing is recurring and he never ends up getting stuck in then he clearly is taking the mick as he knows it doesn’t matter cause you might complain for a bit but otherwise there’s no consequences. I would honestly leave someone like this.

Tell everyone that you’re going to be making a meal which doesn’t require you to be in the kitchen all day whilst they chill out. You’re the host, it’s up to you. There are lots of things you could make which fit that bill, you can buy e.g. a pre-made wellington and oven-ready sides if you want. If anyone complains, then they’ve earned themselves the responsibility of prepping and sorting the cooking of said item they want.

How old is DD? Old enough that, if she likes the house being decorated for. Christmas, she’ll get involved with helping to do it? If so, then make a nice evening of it together.

If DP can’t be bothered with presents then you don’t get him any. Sort your DD and your mum out, forget feeling guilty that his family don’t get anything, you can tell them clearly that you and DP agreed you’d each be sorting out your own side of the family from now on. And then reconsider the relationship in the new year, he doesn’t appear to bring anything positive to your lives, does he?

You can only control how you act or react.

You cant make him do naff all

You can only control of youre willing to out up with it...

Do naff all that benefits him. Dont cook gim any dinner, dont add his name to gifts he hasn't contributed effort to providing, dont give him any sustenance - food or drink - if he hasn't contributed any effort to providing it.

Start now - dont cook for him
dont do his washing
dont sort his clothes
dont buy him any toiletries
you can take it as far as how pissed off you are

You're not his staff... not the chef, maid, PA.

Or you can just carry on doing it all while he sails through life? What are you willing to put up with

I think you are right.

He doesn’t actually care that he puts it all on me. He will take zero accountability for his actions. I have pushed back on some of it but if things aren’t put away cleaned etc he just won’t do it so in the end I have to as I can’t stand it.

we’ve had a long standing agreement in terms of chores tha he does the dishwasher, I do the laundry but apart from that, he might empty a bin but does little else.

ultimately I have let this situation come about by not starting as a meant to go on. When we first moved in together we had a rota for cleaning the bathroom and kitchen. It didn’t take long for him to get mad at me suggesting he needed to do his turn. I should have read the signs a long time ago. I do feel like I am treated like his mother. I just haven’t worked up the guts to leave.

you are so right that I can’t control him only how I react. I think the only recourse I have is to leave somehow eventually.

I agree I need to lighten the load maybe by doing less. I still want it to special for DD though.

Christmas Eve is more special to other half than Christmas Day. I’m thinking I get him to think of that meal as his job. I’ll still have to put some standby meal in the freezer though in case he just doesn’t bother. I feel like I just can’t rely on him anymore.

We’ve been together about 15 years. It’s got worse over time. He has no shame if people come over nowadays when the house is a mess. Back years ago he would help tidy up when family were coming and hoover etc. now he doesn’t. I think he thinks it shames me as the woman that don’t keep a tidy home. He a misogynistic tendencies too.

I just feel overloaded and you are right Christmas is just another long list of things to get done. If I don’t do things they just won’t get done. He can’t even be arsed to change a light bulb. If he needs to get something done he will rope me in as it is always “a two person job”. I tend to get on and do stuff on my own if it is actually possible

daughter will help with decorations etc and will a bit if asked. She is naturally untidy though and doesn’t put stuff away after herself without being nagged.

I end up doing all her birthday parties nowadays by myself. He does nothing to help. I end up feeling quite overloaded. I want her to have these nice experiences/memories though. I hate him for not helping.

Problem is I’m not willing anymore to put up with it.

I am full of resentment.

i know things won’t change and he won’t want to pull him weight ever if he ca get away with it. I am enabling him by putting up with it.

my only recourse is to leave as talking about it would just end up in him being defensive or really actually just not caring. I have pulled back from doing much for him personally now as I have felt like his PA for years. But we have a child and I cant just not keep the house at a certain level / do the food shopping etc for her sake.

I would make sure there are presents for the people you care about/are related to; leave his family to him and, if they’re disappointed, direct their comments to their relative - do not allow his family to enable his behaviour by coming to you about the lack of effort on his part.

If he starts making comments about when his family will visit over the holidays, tell him that’s not happening this year - he can go to them or they can go out but you’re not being the default host!!

As others have suggested, go for an easy prep option for Christmas dinner - most supermarkets do a £50-60 “Christmas Dinner in a Box” option with meat, potatoes, veg, pigs & gravy included. The look at their party ranges for Boxing Day or other days you have to host.

Can you afford m&s Christmas food (obviously not the beef wellington, no one can afford THAT!) if everyone contributes money?

Or

Go out for Christmas lunch. My friend did that one year and said it was amazing.

I did suggest the going out for Christmas lunch. He wasn’t keen on that idea. I mean why would you be when you expect someone else to get the food and cook it but I might look into this if there are still places available.

I think it would resolve some of my angst about the whole thing. (Do quite like having leftovers though!)

someone else asked if we both work. Yes we both work full time though he earns about 30% more than me so my job is obviously more menial in his mind 🙄

Threads like these make me do an extra tot up of my blessings. What would he do if you smiled and said let’s make a Christmas list of presents for all the family and food for the holidays , go out together and buy it then have lunch or dinner afterwards.
Would he reject you? His response (added to the fact you don’t have joint finances for this sort of thing ) would say all you need to know.

To be honest, if I was you I’d get a takeaway for Xmas dinner, decorate the house how I liked it and spend my time doing things that made me happy ie reading, skin care, baking whatever it is you like, whilst quietly planning my exit in the new year.

Life is short but it feels bloody long when you’re with someone like this. Don’t put up with this shit - it’s not necessary.

Sometimes I’ve found that it’s easier for me to accept the unfair split and just get on with it, than to try and enforce an equal share and gave to deal with constant push back, disappointment and resentment.

My first suggestion is that you buy you own presents, and let go of buying for each other, dh and I have drifted into this over the years or at least ask each other for suggestions. Pick out a few nice bits for yourself, and treat yourself.

Simplify the dinner, until it’s not a strain on your energy and goodwill. The opinions of those that aren’t doing the work don’t count and can be mentally filed away as “i for irrelevant”.

Put your energy into having a couple of memorable mother and daughter outings or activities. If he was a super involved, hugely enthusiastic and generous person, you’d still want to do something that was just about you and your dd, so don’t let his absence cast a shadow.

Regarding the money, can you cut back on other spending to make it more even? Don’t spend a penny on him - no treats with the groceries, cancel a subscription if it’s something that matters enough to him to pay for it. Forget your wallet if you’re out together so he has to put his hand in his pocket.

It’s shit. And I’m not suggesting you be passive- but find ways to stop it poisoning the entire experience.

Feel your pain op

Dance to your own tune

So:

Cook what YOU want

YOU choose what activities you do

Yes, it's annoying if your partner doesn't step up: but this doesn't mean that you have to kill yourself trying to meet some fanciful expectations

What gooesy said, great post

It all sounds a bit dramatic to be honest, OP. It’s Christmas - you aren’t plotting to walk to the other side of the earth!

100% say you’re booking for yourself, DD and DM to go out for Xmas dinner. If he moans about the price say he’s welcome to make it himself but you’re absolutely not slaving away on your own all day.

Buy some bits you can just shove in the oven for snacks that feel xmas-y and lots of chocolate and treats. Buy YOURSELF, DD and DM some lovely presents. Get him a gift voucher. Don’t get dragged into buying for his family - that’s 100% on him.

Do a basic tidy up but don’t worry about a deep clean. Just do whatever will make you happy and stop letting his weaponised incompetence win.

Keep the food simple - honestly if it's spag bol and a shop bought cake who cares. Your DM will just be happy to see you.

And I'd be taking your DD/DM for a 'girls' (I.e. he's not invited) weekend/mini break.

And enjoy yourself.

@Mandy1010 I am guessing there was no positive response to any conversation you tried having with him, in which case the only thing you can do is try and make your life easier by doing a least some of the following:

• cook a simpler and easier meal
• leave him to sort out his family's presents and forget about their disappointment with what they get, i.e. let him worry about it
• similarly, don't worry too much about his present: whatever you can find at the last minute will do
• make a new year resolution to ask yourself what he generally contributes to the relationship and how you feel about keeping it going if nothing changes

I think part of the struggle with Christmas as a mother is the pressure to make it all feel perfect or for it to be up to standard. The decorating, the food, the gifts. What really matters most is you, your kids and your family. It's of course lovely to have all these extra bits, but sometimes we just need that reminder as mums it doesn't have to be perfect. If you want to put frozen veg in the oven to save yourself some time in the kitchen thats perfectly fine, if you want to just buy a singular gift per person that's fine, if you dont feel up to decorating you can always get the kids involved to help! The tree doesn't have to look amazing to be magical. An idea on the presents too - you could always see is his family are up for secret Santa, that way you'd only have to buy 1 present total?

It sounds like you're having a tough time, so just to remind yourself you are doing all you can and you deserve rest too. I used to get super overworked and stressed, and it was only by talking to others and meditating that I started to give myself the rest I deserved. There's an amazing app called Carea which has meditations specifically for mums and they post a lot on Insta about that expectation of Christmas - definitely recommend the app to any mum struggling with the stress of Christmas!

If I was you I’d tell him to pack his bags! It might take a shock like that to make him change and if he doesn’t want to change and would rather split up then that confirms it for you. Suggest he moves out as he has the higher salary and dd needs to stay in her family home. Then get to a solicitor and give yourself the best present of all for Christmas - your freedom!

he can see DD on Boxing Day with his family and you, your mum and dd can spend the big day exactly as you wish with no more resentment. Dd will have to take on some extra chores to help out (maybe for pocket money) but you will get there. He will have to pay maintenance.

if you can’t do that then look at going out for lunch or maybe going away for a few days over Christmas just you, dm and dd and leave him to fester in his own mess!

Honestly - why are you still with him?

it sounds like an absolutely miserable existence!

I am the happiest I’ve ever been since becoming single - I do things my own way, I don’t have to clean up after a lazy partner. It took a little time but now I am genuinely happy on my own and it would take someone special to change that.

your life would be a lot easier without him. If I were you I’d give him an ultimatum - step up or leave

Ha! Last year I got him a gift voucher. He had wanted a coat and I thought he could chose it himself. The voucher has just expired last week without him using it. Over £100. It’s not funny really at all.