Spreading the load at Christmas

[Mandy1010]

so it looks like we are going to spend Christmas at home this year due to other family having plans and the other half falling out with his sister and already I am not forward to the prospect

it will just be myself, other half, DD and my DM I think. my DM is not very mobile so it will
limit a bit what we can do.

im looking for people’s thoughts on how to spread the load. mine and other half’s relationship is in a bad place. He typically does pretty much nothing to help at Christmas. Barely buys any presents if he does it’s last minute and the last couple of years I have got something that I really don’t want and kind of wonder if he even knows me. He likes to come buy a Christmas tree and might load the dishwasher but that will pretty much be his contribution to Christmas. Last year I asked for a contribution to the cost of DD’s presents. How do I stop my resentment at having to do it all ruining Christmas for myself as much as anyone? How can I spread the load more fairly? In a loving relationship obviously the partner would want to help and make it special but we are not in that place

i used to love Christmas but feel that has slowly ebbed away by his attitude and the load and my own wanting it to be special for DD. I still want to make it special for my DD10.
I have pushed back a couple of years ago on me getting his presents for his family. He can do it but I feel bad for the disappointing or late presents they then get. I will end up tidying house up, cleaning, putting decks up with daughter, all the deciding food, buying food, prepping and cooking, all other present buying and wrapping etc. I’m just fed up of how unfair it is. Obviously this isn’t really just at Christmas but all year round.

im thinking of seeing people tasks. Of saying everyone can’t just slope off to the lounge and leave me cooking in the kitchen all day on my own whilst they all have a jolly time ( sorry I am being negative and so resentful!). But I feel if I set tasks and he just puts them off and puts them off that I will end up even more annoyed and let down.

maybe though i am being unreasonable? It is a small group after all. Maybe I should just suck it up. It just feels so unfair though that he can just rock up and everything is done for him.

I am starting to think more and more how it would be easier on my own. I spend too much time ruminating over this stuff. I’ve had enough. He’s oblivious. I don’t think he believes I would do it. He’s in the middle of having an extension done. I told him I didn’t want to do it. He’s done it anyway. I am a mug.

My husband is similar although he will set the table and wash up. I've learned to make things as easy as possible for myself. I cook a simple meal (turkey, brussel sprouts, gammon, pigs, Yorkshire puddings and roast potatoes. I get a cake to slice so people help themselves. I was so stressed about the Christmas presents so I messaged all the family to say, "we are no longer buying presents for adults in the family. Please do not buy us anything. Thank you." I only buy the 3 grandads a nice box of biscuits and my kids lovely presents. That is all I buy for now. If my husband wants to start buying presents then he can do so, but he never has done! Make it as simple as possible so you have less to do. It's okay to end gift giving to focus on yourself and your children. I also ask my husband to drive the guests home at 7pm so we can relax and have a few drinks. Think of jobs you can give to your husband to help you out.

i can only add, I’d do the minimum, easy food or go out to eat. Don’t help him with present buying or making his life easier . He doesn’t deserve it and is a millstone round your neck .He has no respect for you. So surprise him.
….in the New Year give yourself the best belated present by getting legal advice on what you might be entitled to . CAB are usually helpful too.

@Mandy1010 OP, what do you mean he won't "contribute" to DD's presents? Is he her father or is he her step-dad?

I think this is the point of view I have come from in the past. just getting on with it and accepting it on the whole. I used to work full time before daughter, the off for mat leave, then 3 days a week til she started school, now full time and it’s like the extra home stuff I picked up when working less just never got shared back again. Give an inch and take a mile. Not that it was ever equal.
I just resent it sooo much now.
im going to suggest that we buy our own presents. I like that idea. Doesn’t seem in the spirit of things but we aren’t really in the spirit of things anyway. In the past he had got in moods over Christmas and refused to open my presents to him. About a week later he might grace me with opening them. Buying my own and him buying his would sort this problem. Thank you!

He’s her dad.

I do all the present shopping. He wouldn’t have a clue what she gets til she opens her presents. I asked him for money towards her presents. Roughly half though it wasn’t probably really as much as half as I didn’t fully keep track.

Thats it, its the boiling frog...

He started contributing, then stopped that activity, then stopped that, then stopped that and each time you picked it up and all of a sudden you realise you're doing it all...

Misogynistic to boot so no wonder you end up resenting the useless old doddery Misogynistic fool. And they wonder why the love goes..

I hope you sort out your situation, he wont get better, least youve come to it

So you have to ask him for money towards his own child's Christmas present? Surely this isn't normal? Also, I'm unclear whether he actually gave you the money or not.

Someone else has said about the boiling frog before. Yes it probably is. I look back now at the red flags I ignored. It’s all worn away at me. I’ve realised it all now which is what is making it so much harder to put up with. The love has gone for sure.

He did eventually give me money. He then asked what presents we were giving her! Still think he was piggybacking off all my effort. She knows who really buys her presents even though I always write that they are from both of us. She asked him for something for Christmas, a doll, I think. He didn’t bother to get it. He would say I buy too much probably.

No not really normal is it but it’s surprising what sneaks up on you. It’s become very dysfunctional. Writing all this makes me see how bitter I have become.

Well, start sorting your ducks, no reason to spend an extra day that you dont need to in his presence. You're making steps to make your tomorrow better. It'll be ok soon enough and you'll be able to sit down at the end of the day and instead of thinking "oh ffs that prick is annoying me because hes breathing" - instead you'll sit and you'll have peace, that any mess is your own and that everything thats done wont be undone!

At the risk of incurring the ire of Mumsnet, you wouldn't be that unusual as a mum in choosing and shopping for your DD's presents. But to actually have to ask her father to help pay for them is outrageous.

You make it lovely for your daughter.

Tbh I think the only thing ypu cam do is break up or accept it and try bot to let it bother you. Yes, there are a million reasons and fights to be had about why and what he should be doing, but if he was going to change he would have by now.

My advice is give yourself the gift of headspace by either making a change or deciding to accept what you won't change (because let's face it, anything he does will be temporary and begrudgingly)

Have I missed why you can't go to your mums? Take your dd presents and a cool box of nice ready meals, crackers and cheese.

Make up your mind to give yourself the present of being single in the new year.
Give him the energy he gives you.
Drop the rope.
Concentrate on yourself, your dd and your mum.
All the best @Mandy1010

You’re not a mug - you’re just trapped in Groundhog Day. It’s always been the same and every woman in earth has been guilty of allowing a partner to treat them like dirt at least once in their life.

before I became single - one ex cheated, one ran up 20k debt in my name, one disappeared off the face of the earth when I was pregnant and has never been involved in child’s life. It took all of that - and if I’m honest the real thing that changed me was having my son. We all have our limits, most of us have been through horrible relationships and it takes that experience for us to get strong and get hard and get selfish.

It might have taken a long time but that doesn’t matter, what matters is you’re recognising it now and you’ve hit your limit.

Be honest with him - he probably won’t take you seriously and he will probably think he can wait it out like previous times where you’ve got frustrated and nothing has happened.

But this time - make it happen. Kick him out! Give him the shock of his life. And if at that point he comes begging back promising he will change - don’t believe him. If it takes losing you to get him to listen then he was never worth it.

how old are you if you don’t mind me asking? Do you work? Could you separate and be comfortable financially?

You do NOT have to live like this - your fella wants a maid. Let him employ one.

One really really important part of this is the example you’re setting to your daughter. Don’t let her think this is acceptable - show her your strength and that women are not second class citizens

@Mandy1010 you are not a mug. You are an exhausted mum who wants the best for her dd. We’ve alll been sold the myth that kids are best with both parents, well, sometimes they’re not! I chucked my XH out 15 years ago and oh my god the relief!!! My dc were small (6 and 4) and they felt the relief too. You owe it to yourself to be happy. Start getting bf things sorted. Get yours and DDs birth certa, passports and your wedding certificate (if you are married) and hide them somewhere safe. Preferably out of the house. Take photos of all his payslips, financial info or photocopy it, email it to yourself. (And delete sent email if on his device). Whenever you go to a supermarket regardless of how much you buy add £50 cashback and hide the money. It’s a hidden nest egg that won’t show up even if he takes you to court. Will be a random supermarket amount on your statement and you do all the shopping. Nobody keeps supermarket receipts so if he asked he’s being ridiculous.
you will find life as a single parent so so much easier. The resentment etc is gone, new rules, happier home. Sounds like that’s the best Christmas present you could give yourself and DD. Honestly I couldn’t believe the relief felt by all 3 of us when I did kick him out. Kids know.

Dump him now and then you can celebrate Christmas properly!! Go and see a solicitor. Get advice. Don’t worry about the finances, somehow it all works out. I used to live in a big fancy 4 bed detached palace. Now it’s a 3 bed semi but we are so much happier. No fancy cats on the driveway, I bought a second hand freezer today - none of that would have been ‘allowed’. Ditch the toxic w⚓️ and start living your life. Mumsnet helped me through it and there’s enough of is here to be with you every step. Try it and enjoy the liberation. He sounds such a loser you’d probably have the option to get back with him but I bet you won’t want to once you’ve experienced life without him.
go buy yourself an amazing Christmas present or advent calendar you’ve always wanted and bring the magic back to your Christmas.
good luck. We’re here to help!

thank you for this. I think eventually it would be a relief for it to be over. I’ll get there eventually I think. I have long given up hope that it will get any better.

I just remembered why I stopped buying his family presents at Christmas. I had bought all the presents for my family and friends and his family (he does pay for his family’s presents but I would get them) and I even bought a present from him to me so he didn’t had to (again he paid but it wasn’t anything really expensive). I wrapped everything but asked him to wrap the present to me. I don’t know why it just felt like one step too far! I reminded him and reminded him to wrap it. He finally did it before he went to bed on Christmas Eve . So Christmas Day morning there was my present and also a couple of small other things. I thought he’d probably bought some small bits like candles and chocolates or something. Well it turns out that he had wrapped my present whilst sitting at my work desk and also decided to wrap some highlighters and a book on cycling from the bookcase by my desk. He then found it entertaining to watch me open them. I found it quite hurtful really. The next year I pushed back on all his present buying. Sounds ridiculous now saying that as if made some sort of stand!

Get rid of this man op. Wrapping highlighters up and shit and finding it funny pretending they're gifts?? Wtaf.

No. Just no. He's not just lazy, he's bloody vindictive.

Get rid.

Who is the voucher with? Sometimes companies let you extend it.

Take it back and give them a call/visit.

Edited to add: but spend it on yourself, not him!

Re Christmas, could you and dc spend it at your mum's and have a smaller meal? Or will he object to that.

Sorry if I’m wrong but I think you probably could afford to pay for a cleaner - get a one off deep clean done before Xmas so your house feels good to you.
soend time with your daughter - Xmas baking, cinema etc. enjoy your time with her.