To not plan this trip for DH?

[Alwaysthereforthechaos]

I carry most of the mental load of the family, we both work FT, we share household chores more of less equally, with me carrying a bit more. When it comes to holidays, generally I plan them because I enjoy it and look forward to it. Next spring DH wants us to go home as a family for family milestone overseas to where he is from. I started to look at travel, but could not get DH to give me a firm idea on dates, length of trip ect. So I'd get as far as getting quotes on flights, then passing them to DH to coordinate dates etc. This event is now 4 months away and we've not booked, flights are 40% more expensive and he still hasn’t arrange exact timings of the trip to be home at the same time as other members of the family. I got another quote last week, passed it on to DH, to be met with we must be able to get them cheaper than that. Then he sat on it for another 10 days. AIBU to just pass this on 100% to DH to handle, even if it means he's leaving it so long we can't all afford to go? I am tempted to send him the last quote and say, I've got this as far as I can - I need you to take over from here. Last time we did a trip similar to see my family, I did all the planning and the logistics were exhausting so I'm not really up for this again. Of course I'd love to go, but I don’t want to carry more mental load going into my busy period at work and with the festive season upon us. I just need a few less things off my mental load before it gets too much!

Why are you doing this anyway as it’s his family? Stop getting flight quotes and just tell him he’s planning it if he wants you all to go.

Absolutely leave him to it

Why would that be unreasonable??

just hand it over and tell him as he’s not happy with what you have come up with then it’s now his job. I would make a commitment to respond to the quote he finds within the day though.

Just give him a last quote then tell him that's it, you've tried but now it's down to him. If he's left it too late and it's too expensive it might make him try harder next time

Don’t book it op, tell him the trip needs to be postponed unless he does all the organisation around it and that he sticks to an agreed budget. Let him explain to his family why he couldn’t be bothered to sort it out.

The phrase “if he wanted to, he would” springs to mind!

Yeah this is very much a Him Problem.

Tell him you can't take on the planning at the moment and for him to let you know what arrangements he's made when he's made them. Then have nothing more to do with it.

Yes absolutely do this but be 100% clear with him that you are handing over responsibility and will not spend any more time on it. When it (inevitably) doesn't happen it needs to be because he didn't make it happen, not because you didn't do it or because he retrospectively decides it wasn't clear that it was his responsibility.

passed it on to DH, to be met with we must be able to get them cheaper than that

'Ok, I can't so I'll leave that with you then, DH'.

Do you think it will get to closer to the time when the flights have gone sky high and panic? Will he book them and cost the family hundreds/thousands, or will the trip just not happen-which is more likely?

Say (in writing so he can't spin it) "I have got two sets of quotes now for YOUR family event and you have not finalised either of them. I am not doing any more to make it happen. It's up to you now." And stand your ground.

I think if I wanted to go then I’d sit him down and explain that prices are going up and we need to sit down tonight and book them. My DH is the organiser in our family for trips and he will, bless him, make me sit at the kitchen table and focus as he wants to do them too. Even when it’s the very complicated trying to sort out seeing my family, which involves 3 flights or 2 ferries and a fucking long drive.

I wouldn't even bother getting more flight prices. As he said we must be able to get them cheaper, that would be the cue to me, that he would be looking for the cheaper price.

Actually do what @HelloCharmingsuggests, assuming you quite like his family. And then don't get involved at the start next time!

Oh my god thank you ! I was honestly feeling like this was a me problem. He only wants to fly BC, which means deals are limited too and is trying to tee up plans with his brother. I’ll sit him down tonight and show him where I’m up to then it’s over to him!

do you always organise trips and manage to bring it in at a decent price because his expectations sound way off

sitting down with him sounds good and a reality check about how much more expensive BC is I mean we all would like to fly but even Premium Economy is twice the price at the moment

My ex-H used to do this, and still does. Drove me batty and the prices up! When we separated he still wanted to be able to leave planning/booking tickets to the last minute. He wouldn't confirm dates he would see our child, etc and since he lives overseas and I had to pay half of the air fares, and needed advance notice, I had to get a Child Arrangements Order. Without that I would be paying hundreds more and keeping my life/plans in abeyance waiting for him. Why this inability to commit? It's a more deep-seated issue I think! And, ofcourse, you should leave him to it.

I'd have dropped the rope a long time before now OP.

Tell him he has to sort and book it now. Maybe he needs that lesson not to take the piss with your time in future.

I have similar. I now leave it entirely to my DH. The first couple of times we ended up not going because he was so disorganised. Now he realises I’m not his safety net on trips to his family and he needs to organise them. He does but it does generally end up costing us twice the price as he does t book the travel early. It I think that’s the price I’m willing to pay to not have the stress. I just turn up when I’m told when it comes to his family and I actually think we all benefit because I’m then less stressed about it and better company for his family too 🤪

I get the feeling that he might not be all that keen on the trip, and he's pretending he is. 😊Then it will be too late and he'll claim cost or something as an excuse to his family.

Whether that proves to be true or not, I think you have done your bit and it's best to leave it to him now. You can't be blamed for anything going wrong if you do that, which is something to consider also!

Oh dear lord - drop the rope. He is a fully functional adult and he is the one wanting to do this trip so he needs to do the leg work.

Tell him that youve sent him plenty of cheaper quotes over the last few months which hes ignored, and now its getting closer and closer and the prices have massively increased, so no, you cant get them cheaper, and you think hes got a cheek to say that now.
He can sort it himself

Likely he isn't arsed about going /spending money. He is waiting til it's too late and will declare you didn't organise anything....

Thank you all for the drop the rope messages, completely agree and need to take this advice. I chatted to him last night, asked him if he’s got any further with plans and I got a bit of ‘yes I know I’ve done nothing push back, blaming his brother for not making his plans yet’ I’ve been clear this is on his plate now, not mine.

I don't see why you would plan a trip that he wants to do, to see his family? You were kind to try and help, but why keep on reminding him? He's an adult, you both work full time.