To think PIL might be unfair?

[ThirdCupOfTea]

We live abroad and visit PIL once a year (PIL visited us 3 times in 10 years, mostly us visiting them). My DH 2 siblings live closer to them.
Over the years, PIL passed family business on to Sibling B, who runs it and does fairly well financially.
They also paid for Sibling C's wedding and helped with a house deposit.

We haven’t really received anything similar, but we’ve also never asked for help and we're doing okay financially on my own.

Is it a bit unfair, or PIL just being practical? As the others live nearer and they would naturally be closer?
We don’t want to seem ungrateful, but can't avoid feeling overlooked, especially since his parents who always said they’d treat us equally.

Would it be unreasonable to gently bring this up over Christmas? Or should we just let it go since we're doing fine without their help? (we do work our asses off though and have debts from our recent property purchase)

Maybe they never offer because we never ask? Should we gently mention some of our financial needs and see what they think?

Noted PILs do well financially too.

I don’t think it’s any of your business. You’re not their daughter.

Your DH might bring up a specific financial need and ask them for help. But you and he moved away.

They may feel that things like working in the family business are of little interest to your DH. After all, moving away might signal to them that he’s not interested. That’s a consequence of emigrating, I’m afraid.

They have to spend a lot of money just to see you. I know you say it’s only three visits over ten years, but it was you that moved away and 3 visits is actually quite generous. Maybe they’ve taken that money into consideration.

I don’t think you can expect the same support from parents when you move so far away from them. As much as you can love them and continue the relationship, you arent going to be there to provide them with the type of support they would have from you if you lived close by, so why do you think they are obliged to support you in the same way as the children who are around for them? It would be incredibly rude to bring it up.

Absolutely don't bring it up

No! You don't bring that up!

You chose a different life abroad with little contact and commitment to PIL.
It might have costed you some financial support compared to you had stayed in the UK and been close to PIL but it's up to you to manage not PIL.

You shouldn’t bring it up as you aren’t their child so not entitled to their money.

I would expect the business to go to a child living in the area and who had a strong aptitude/interest in that kind of business. What I mean is if a child went to catering college and lived locally then they’d probably be the best heir as they’d probably continue it’s success rather than sell the business.

Is the H the oldest child and from a culture where the older sibling helps the younger ones rather than be the one to ask for help? It might explain why B helped C (I assume B is older tha. C) but not A.

As a daughter who moved abroard.
No you cant bring it up. There are natural consequence of living further away. One is things such as the hand over of items. Or businesses. In my case my mother visited 3 times over 25 years. I have grown to accept there is a consequence for living away. When she died it was split between the 3 siblings equally.

Your last sentence about your parent in-laws doing well financially seems a bit grabby to me . Quite frankly, I think it’s none of your business. Are you putting all this stuff into your husband’s head ? Maybe the other siblings will be around to take care of the parents ,maybe they have a closer relationship. Because they help one sibling, they are not obligated to give the same to another,especially as you say you are doing well financially. Concentrate on the relationship you have when you do see them instead of keeping score .

Yes DH is the oldest child. "They also paid for Sibling C's wedding and helped with a house deposit." means PIL helped sibling C with wedding, house deposits and childcare, not Sibling B helping.

To be clear, bringing it up with my parents-in-law is DH’s idea, not mine. He tends to speak his mind and doesn’t like to keep things bottled up. He’s not bitter, I suppose he just wants some emotional reassurance.
Even if he does bring it up, I won’t be involved. I just want to hear other opinions so I can advise him.

Is sibling C female and is the norm for the local culture for daughters to have their wedding and house deposit paid for by dad as a sign of his success?

I know you’re protective of him and feel a sense of injustice on his behalf but it really is DHs business and for him to sort out (or not)

My MIL gave her DD enough to buy a new house outright. I was outraged for DH, who has had nothing and knows there probably won’t be anything left for him in her will, but DH is extremely zen about it all and seems genuinely unbothered.

I never understand why DILs or SILs think they are some how entitled to PIL money.

If your DH wants to talk to them, he will.

It does sound like you think you have equal status to PIL’s actual children. You don’t.

Money is love.

How do you know that they paid for sibling C's wedding and house deposit? If your PILs are telling your DH about their generosity to his siblings with no intention of making a similar gesture towards him, they are being quite insensitive. Sibling B has been very lucky to just be gifted a successful business so I can see why your DH is a bit upset.

Has your DH always been the least favoured sibling?

No. Why on earth would either of you bring that up!
Do you want to ruin Christmas? Are you that addicted to attention that you need create drama where there needs none.

Living abroad has consequences, one of them is you no longer get to know the full ins and outs of what goes on in the family anymore. The examples that you described don’t seem unusual especially since DH hasn’t actually asked for money so he doesn’t know it would be denied

Did your husband show an interest in running the family business then?

I would guess the family business was a decision made based on who ever wanted it to keep it in the family.
with sibling C it’s likely they asked or made it clear these things wouldn’t happen with out parents intervention.

Because you do not live near by they go not see your day to day, they only see you in holiday mode so presumably assume all is well.

We live a couple hours away from Pil they will sometimes send money because dn needed new shoes/ coat etc and they want ds tohave same. They recently gave us a bit of money because sil n bil needed money for renovations. So they do kept fair but it’s always because of something sil/dn needs and we are the afterthought. I assume sil either directly asks or talks about needing money for shoes etc and ils take the hint.

Yes PILs told DH. They might pay for other things we're not aware of. We never asked.
Yes DH thinks he is the least favored, and that's why he always has to try really hard to prove himself & succeed.

How overseas are you? Paying for flights to Paris is different to Dubai or Oz.

I think a lot of the responses are quite unfair and harsh OP. It’s hard to watch and say nothing when you feel someone you love is being treated unfairly and feel the way he does. Money isn’t love buts it’s hard not to feel loved or cared about less in these circumstances. Having said that I don’t think he should raise it at all, especially when he doesn’t get to have much in person family time and it may damage the relationships further.

I do partly agree with others that when you move away it does change things, those left behind might be doing more with and for their parents. They may talk more about having difficulties or the parents may see it.

My DH moved here and his siblings back home had continuous financial support as adults with their own families having a far better lifestyle than we could dream of. He would never have asked for anything particularly because he chose to live away. His parents did try to make inheritance equitable.

The entitlement!

What have your parents given you as a couple?

Yes, it's our decision to live away from family and there are consequences. But it doesn't stop him feeling excluded.
While what his parents do makes sense for the situations we're in, it's still hurtful to see we make so much efforts and still get treated unequally. We try to visit every year so the children can have relationship with grandparents and it's a huge financial commitments, we try to call every week and that's mostly from us, his parents hardly ever call.
You're right as we come back during holidays and they can't see the daily challenges we face.

Hmmm
based on info about pil If he is going to do it he needs a specific request.
Ie
Mum dad, we need to extend the house and need 100k.
We need a new car and given you funded x y and z was wondering you could help. The car is 50k.

That will have a higher chance of success than "can i have 100k because you paid for susies wedding"

Fwiw if i had kids i would ask... (the wealth gap is coming!!!) and actually did support dh on a smaller scale version of this.
Pil gave bil so much more £££ than dh in general... But one thing was there was £4k per year going into bils savings account. This deal is for bil only its been going on for over a decade. Dh NEVER had help like that.
Anyway the upside is they now pay 4k pa into sipps for the kids.
I dont benefit but its 4k less pa bil is siphoning off and will help my children massively in the future

I find it all quite grubby but I'm quite a practical person and can tolerate this as the kids benefit not me.

It's tricky. In-laws are similar. DH's sister is very close to in-laws and gets an insane amount of personal and financial help (DH not bothered now as he's used to it). But I remember MIL once saying "SIL would love to be in your financial position" and I always think that the financial position comes at greater personal cost. She does the school run, her kids can do more clubs etc. because she made different life choices.
We work FT, she works PT (choice)
We achieved more at school to get better qualifications, she had a jolly for 7 years (choice)
She sees her kids more than we see ours. We might make more money to be financially more comfortable but that's a life decision.

But basically we moved away (our choice) so we're seen as independent.