To think PIL might be unfair?

[ThirdCupOfTea]

We live abroad and visit PIL once a year (PIL visited us 3 times in 10 years, mostly us visiting them). My DH 2 siblings live closer to them.
Over the years, PIL passed family business on to Sibling B, who runs it and does fairly well financially.
They also paid for Sibling C's wedding and helped with a house deposit.

We haven’t really received anything similar, but we’ve also never asked for help and we're doing okay financially on my own.

Is it a bit unfair, or PIL just being practical? As the others live nearer and they would naturally be closer?
We don’t want to seem ungrateful, but can't avoid feeling overlooked, especially since his parents who always said they’d treat us equally.

Would it be unreasonable to gently bring this up over Christmas? Or should we just let it go since we're doing fine without their help? (we do work our asses off though and have debts from our recent property purchase)

Maybe they never offer because we never ask? Should we gently mention some of our financial needs and see what they think?

Noted PILs do well financially too.

Gently bring it up over Christmas? Brilliant idea, I can’t see any possibility at all of this going wrong.

They aren’t even your parents!

You’ve moved away and seem to think that visiting once a year is enough to sustain a relationship and clearly it isn’t. My dh and I emigrated, although we did return after just over a decade. During that time the relationship that my parents had with my siblings children flourished and the one that my dc had with them floundered. It’s a natural consequence. My parents did come over to us for over a month a year, but they weren’t there for ordinary things in our lives and in the meantime took my siblings families on holiday, bought a grandchild a car and so on. Not once did I think it was unfair.

People are going to be closer to the people who are in their lives the most. Unless you are just talking about cold hard cash here.

Wow! The entitlement is off the charts.

It’s just incredible. The sense of entitlement people have to other people’s money is just staggering.

You moved away and you said you try and visit once a year and it’s a huge commitment for you and also you call them once a week or so . You come across as saying you are sacrificing yourselves doing this and it seems you want them to pay you back for your massive efforts. Remember, you were the ones that moved.

I would just leave it all completely inDH’s hands. I wouldn’t even be there for the conversation and it’s between DH and his parents.

I can see that in pure pounds, it's unfair but if you lived close by I'm sure it would be different. If you're only seeing them once a year the familial bond will inevitably break down to some extent. Put simply, you moved, your fault. Absolutely do not say anything. I can't imagine it will change anything other than to potentially create awkwardness at best or a family rift at worst.

your DH can say what he likes.

But is he being reasonable? On balance no. Realistically when you move away you miss out on some things, and you can't provide support in the same way as the others do. Not to be transactional about it, but for sure i would help out with people who are more involved in my life more than those who i barely see. It is human nature.

Sadly, if your PIL are already acting like this, they do not see their blatant favouritism and you probably won't get anywhere talking to them. We have similar (albeit PIL moved away) and DH once gently raised how his sister and step-siblings had all be gifted certain things over the years but not him, and there was flat denial of facts followed by ridicule that DH should have similar gifts now. FIL told me they couldn't afford to visit us one year (to see his newborn GS) because they'd spent so much of step-sister's wedding - as the words came out his mouth you could see the "oh shit" moment as they offered nothing at all towards our wedding, plus step+sister had arranged a child free wedding on the other side of the world, ensuring neither I nor my children (one under 6 months and breastfeeding) couldn't attend. PILs didn't even pretend to be upset about it.

It is hard being married to the black sheep of the family. Luckily my parents are scrupulously even-handed, and my MIL is wonderful and nearby. I would strongly advise letting your DH handle communications.with his parents and saying what he needs to say, whilst trying to avoid details of the unfair treatment as much as possible (i.e dropping contact as much as you can).

I empathise as myself & my DH have had similar unequal treatment financially and he also moved countries away from his parents. I wouldn’t bring it up over Christmas, especially if it is the only time of year you get to see them face to face. It could sour relations massively. Better to focus on making the time in person the most enjoyable it can be

If he really wants to raise it, maybe it is better that your husband approaches his siblings first to find out did they ASK for what they were given, or was it just given unprompted. Had they discussed money difficulties before to prompt these conversations? Does he raise financial difficulties you have with them?

I know it hurts badly when they don’t call or visit and the effort you put in doesn’t feel reciprocated. I can really empathise with that, as my DH parents never call him and rarely visit. But a cheque for X amount won’t fix that and before approaching any conversations about money, I would advise working on the relationship first. When you move away you unfortunately have to accept for many people out of sight does mean out of mind, but this often isn’t usually intended to be hurtful. It just is what it is. They may have been very hurt by your DHs decision to move away and so justify their choices this way. Getting into a battle of who hurt who most isn’t going to solve anything.

Ultimately, they can choose to spend their money how they like, just as you chose to spend your life how you like. I think raising this will do more harm than good

I don’t think it would be unreasonable for your DH to speak to them about it - but I think he should couch it in terms of wanting that reassurance (that he’s equally valued / loved).

Perhaps he could preface the conversation by telling them he’s not asking for money, but pointing out that their actions raise a perception of bias. Which has had an impact on him.

I'm wondering if PIL will expect payback in the form of care and support as they get older. You're best off out of it.

There is no such thing as 'bringing this up gently'. What a way to wreck Christmas.

I think if it’s all about money they would have already asked them for financial support. They have never demanded any. Surely DH is entitled to feel left out when his other siblings have been handed hundreds of thousands and his parents don't offer him anything?

I get, Op. You’re family moving away has no relevance to the situation (unless there has been a major conflict).

Treating your kids disproportionately is not right in my opinion. Of course, there will be times over the years, one child might need more help or support, but being treated equally is the only right way to approach it as a parent.

We’ve had a similar situation, and actually we live the closest. Lots of financial and physical support for DHs sibling without any coming his way. They see us as being independent however, fate can change in a heartbeat. It’s almost as though DH is “punished” for standing on his own two feet, where as sibling is rewarded for not doing anything for himself to get himself out of a hole (perfectly capable but why go to that effort when someone else will bail you out).

My DH did bring it up with in laws. It was very calm and he explained what I’ve said above. He also said the imbalance was now visible amongst the DC, and that he was concerned that the more help received, the less inclined his sibling would be to stand up for himself. His parents hadn’t seen it like that at all. It was a sensible conversation which has helped.

Whether people like to talk about it or not, the fact is, at some point talking about this and inheritance is very important. It’s not that DC necessarily need a say in it, but it’s important for future relationships to understand why and talk about it. Money isn’t a dirty word.

Thanks all for the advice, I think I'll advise hubby to focus on having a good time with his family in person and forget about bringing this up. He may need to have a conversation with his parents another time about how he feels though to clear up the resentment. (he's truly a loving guy towards his family, and that's why it hurts even more for him)

I have dc: one is local to us, one lives in same country but 300 miles away, one lives abroad. I treat them all equally in the big things (what they might get in my will, ££ contribution to wedding, money for dgc, speak to them all regularly etc).

But day-to-day it could be perceived as unequal. The local dc does lots of practical things for us - watering plants, looking after pets when we're on holiday etc. They benefit from frequent baby-sitting / child-minding, which the others don't. We are closer generally. The same-country dc has IT skills and supports all our technology needs, sometimes when we/they visit, sometimes remotely. They (and their partner) love very fancy restaurants so whenever we see them we pay for eye-wateringly expensive meals out. It is a treat for us, and for them, but we don't do the same for the other dc. When we visit the abroad dc we pay for everything while we are there, and encourage them to take some time out while we babysit. We also stay in their house with them when we visit (and visa-versa) so although we don't have the same day-to-day insight into each other's lives, it is more immersive when we do see each other.

I’m not sure both others have been given ‘hundreds of thousands’- one got their wedding paid for and ‘help towards a deposit’ so that’s unlikely to have been hundreds of thousands.

the other from what I recall got their business- but this seems to have been the one who stayed and worked in it, so not unreasonable that they’d benefit more than the others in this regard.

What’s a PIL?

Parents in law.

He doesn't 'need' to bring it up, it will not end well. He 'needs' to accept it or, if he can't, why don't you just move back? You're painting him as a big family man but he moved away from them so he can't be that bothered. He broke the relationship by moving, if he wants to fix it, it needs to be him that does it by lessening the distance.

I think you’re getting ahead of yourselves. Just because you haven’t received anything yet doesn’t mean you won’t. What do you expect? Pil paid for wedding so they should send you a check? Just relax. Most likely when you need your inlaws to help out they will.

Sibling B probably worked in the family business and it was a natural progression for them to take it over.

Sibling C is probably female, and it is more the norm for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding than it is the groom's parents.

Your husband moved away, presumably pretty far away. He's never asked for anything, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be supported if he had a need.