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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh think i'm obsessed with work

54 replies

Cantdoright86 · 11/11/2025 20:48

Dh thinks i'm obsessed with work. Moans about it constantly. I admit I do enjoy my job. I have worked hard to get to where I am ans genuinely enjoy what I do (most of the time). Its a very fast paced corporate role but I am lucky to wfh 3-4 days a week which helps with childcare (children are aged 9 and 5)

His examples for the last few days are:
I was asked to take part in an celebration event last week - whole company event type thing, first time my team had all been together in a while as we work in different offices so we arranged to go to the pub for dinner, which meant he had to pick the kids up and do bedtime etc

We recently went on holiday and I did take my laptop as I had some work to finish off and ran out of time. We had an 8 hour flight so while the dc sat next to me and slept I finished off 2 hours of work. That was it.

I have an event in February I need to attend (overnight stay) which i have told him about. He has now said he had to be on a course that week that he can't get out of. I said I'll sort childcare etc and he accused me of thinking it would be ok to leave the children on their own. Obviously that wouldn't even cross my mind and I was going to ask my brother or sister if they could help out.

Moans if I am more 5 minutes late logging off. Or if I get caught in traffic its my fault for not leaving early

On the flip side:
He works 6-2 every day in the office so all school drop offs are up to me unless I give him advance notice and even then he moans about it.

If he is late then i'm just expected to work round him being late. No notice just expected to deal with it

He had weeks where he is on call 24/7 which means I can't do anything, can't go out in the evening, all schools runs are on me etc.

If he gets his laptop out on the evening i'm not allowed to say anything. If I get mine out I get a 20 minute lecture on how i'm obsessed with work.

OP posts:
JHound · 11/11/2025 21:50

I would lay out to him everything you have typed here and ask him what the difference is.

mrlistersgelfbride · 11/11/2025 21:57

Are you married to my partner?!
It sounds a very familiar story.

He is a dick. Trying to be controlling and belittling you.

Well done for getting the balance right it sounds like you are great at your job and a great mum.

PithyTaupeWriter · 11/11/2025 22:00

He is jealous of you and your success, and he can't cope with not being the centre of attention. Sounds worse than a child.

BellissimoGecko · 11/11/2025 23:49

Cantdoright86 · 11/11/2025 21:21

He so won't talk about any work successes. I passed an apprenticeship this year (level 7 distinction) and was nominated for an award at work and hes not even said congrats once

Congratulations! They are great achievements.

How do you feel about his inability to be happy for you?

Ratafia · 12/11/2025 00:21

If he gets his laptop out on the evening i'm not allowed to say anything. If I get mine out I get a 20 minute lecture on how i'm obsessed with work.

So have you pointed out his double standards to him? What does he say about it? Frankly in that situation I would tell him to shut the fuck up before he got two minutes into his lecture and present a list of the last 10 times he was working on his laptop in the evening.

WaryHiker · 12/11/2025 00:24

You're unreasonable for not having torn him a new one the first time he pulled this crap. Why are you still with him?

AlphaApple · 12/11/2025 07:04

I don’t know what to say, he’s clearly just an arsehole who doesn’t even seem to like you.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 12/11/2025 07:12

Nothing more unattractive than a man who is threatened by his wife’s success and intelligence.

ButtonMushrooms · 12/11/2025 07:17

If he gets his laptop out in the evening I'm not allowed to say anything WTF? You're not "allowed" to point out what a misogynistic hypocrite he is?

99bottlesofkombucha · 12/11/2025 07:21

He’s just a big standard wanker op. Start calling him on it. ‘You just really dislike parenting your own children.’ ‘Many women have husbands who are supportive of them working, must be nice.’ ‘We coukd plan a holiday half term but you probably dont want to come since we need my job to be able to afford that’
and re the conference/working away way very very clearly ‘next time there’s a work clash like this I expect us to prioritise my job, if you can’t manage that then we should do counselling and consider separating’

because you should.

AnneElliott · 12/11/2025 07:46

Ive got one of those op. For many years I was the higher earner and had the more flexible job (civil service). God the moaning if I went out with colleagues after our annual big event which had meant 3 months of hard slog.

I do think you need to give as good as you get and point out the hypocrisy. I didn’t do that for a quiet life but I do think now maybe I should have - and he could have maybe changed. The whinging doesn’t get any better though in my experience - even as the kids get older.

mambojambodothetango · 12/11/2025 17:53

My DH did a slight version of this on me the past and I stood my ground, refused to sound apologetic and just told him what was happening rather than sounding like I was asking permission. He has stopped it now. I've got a line waiting for if he tries it again: I'm at home 95% of the time. Are you really saying I have to be at home 99%? Can I not have that 4% to see the outside world? I honestly don't think he sees it from my perspective sometimes. Your DH sounds similar. Stand firm and he'll get used to it.

Pessismistic · 12/11/2025 18:28

Cantdoright86 · 11/11/2025 21:21

He so won't talk about any work successes. I passed an apprenticeship this year (level 7 distinction) and was nominated for an award at work and hes not even said congrats once

He’s a jealous tosser just laugh when he gives you a hard time say I’m only doing what you do working for my wages I’m not obsessed at all if I worked weekends for free then you can complain but right now I do what is needed and it benefits us all. Spend your bonus on yourself that will shut him up!

Festivespirit85 · 12/11/2025 18:46

Cantdoright86 · 11/11/2025 21:21

He so won't talk about any work successes. I passed an apprenticeship this year (level 7 distinction) and was nominated for an award at work and hes not even said congrats once

He's jealous. Congratulations by the way.

Anyahyacinth · 12/11/2025 19:47

Please don’t let him diminish your financial security…he doesn’t sound like he is invested in your being a team together

Ooodelally · 12/11/2025 20:05

He sounds a delight! What an arsehole!

AlertCat · 12/11/2025 20:11

Cantdoright86 · 11/11/2025 21:21

He so won't talk about any work successes. I passed an apprenticeship this year (level 7 distinction) and was nominated for an award at work and hes not even said congrats once

Wow. So he resents your professional success.

What exactly does he contribute to your life that’s positive and not accompanied by moaning and whinging?

Aluna · 12/11/2025 20:18

You lost me at moans constantly. Can’t abide moaner.

ilovegranny · 12/11/2025 21:06

When you leave him, and I hope you do, your job and career will stand you in good stead to build a better future for you and your children.

Ohnobackagain · 12/11/2025 21:31

BellissimoGecko · 11/11/2025 21:07

What does he say when you point out his hypocrisy? ‘Why is it ok for you to work in the evening, Dave, but you give me a lecture if I need to work?’

This @Cantdoright86 and I bet he hasn’t got a course that week he said he has, either

nats2010 · 13/11/2025 08:45

Cantdoright86 · 11/11/2025 21:21

He so won't talk about any work successes. I passed an apprenticeship this year (level 7 distinction) and was nominated for an award at work and hes not even said congrats once

Regardless of him, well done on your accomplishments x

Figcherry · 13/11/2025 08:52

Well done for your award.

Your dh sounds deeply unpleasant.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 13/11/2025 11:33

Cantdoright86 · 11/11/2025 21:21

He so won't talk about any work successes. I passed an apprenticeship this year (level 7 distinction) and was nominated for an award at work and hes not even said congrats once

With all due respect your husband sounds like a dick.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who can't even congratulate you for your distinction?
Fuck him off and live happily ever after (I'm sort of joking here)

Peonies12 · 13/11/2025 11:50

Insecure and sexist! Can't cope with you having success. Please don't sort the childcare for February, your plans were made first - he needs to sort it as his plans came along later. Surely he should be doing everything after 2pm for the kids and house.

Hopingtobeaparent · 13/11/2025 14:15

Cantdoright86 · 11/11/2025 21:21

He so won't talk about any work successes. I passed an apprenticeship this year (level 7 distinction) and was nominated for an award at work and hes not even said congrats once

Wow!