I'm sorry that this is long one.
I've recently posted about my exH, my DD's Dad, passing away. We held his funeral at the beginning of October. In the meantime, my partner was in hospital several hours away. We had become estranged over the Summer and he'd moved back to where we'd originally met to reconnect with his grown up son and start a new chapter. We were still in touch and still loved each other, we were definitely still partners.
He was a chronic alcoholic, had been ill for years and I tried to look after him. I went straight from my first ex's funeral and literally drove for 4 hours to be at his bedside. I spent two nights at the hospital with him and he died on the third morning. Luckily, his son was also there for the last couple of hours and my heart broke for him.
Now, because of the physical distance etc, even though late H put me as his main contact, the registering of the death and funeral arrangements fell to his son. He is a lovely lad, we've always got on and I could see that he was going to struggle with it all and so I offered for us to do it together, choose the music, readings etc. I said I could print the order of service and take care of the flowers and he was very happy for me to do this. We also agreed that we would share my late partner's ashes. All fine.
As the weeks have gone by, however, I became more and more aware that I was being left out of the arrangements. I've discovered today that he won't split the ashes, the music choices we agreed on have been changed. There are to be readings by people - one of whom my partner had never even met - and nowhere am I nor my DD acknowledged or have been asked if we'd like to say something or add a reading / poem etc.
I'm just devastated and so is my DD. My late partner / exDH, me and my DD were a family still. We lived 5 minutes away from each other. He came here for meals, I took him shopping, did his washing, he looked after my DD (she's a young adult with special needs), took him for medical appointments and above all, we loved each other.
The funeral is this Friday, I am seriously considering not attending. How can my DD and I sit there whilst this goes on around us and we aren't even footnotes in his story ? By the way, his son had no contact with his dad for at least 10 years prior to earlier this year, he hardly knew him, he even had to ask me what his Dad's middle name was ! But it was OK, I used to say to my partner that his son would come back to him one day once he's matured a bit and that's exactly what's happened. I get that there is a LOT of grief there and sadness for his son around his relationship with his Dad, things that will be with him for the rest of his life ... but all I am asking is for something tangible for me and my DD to ease our grief.
I've rung his son this morning and pleaded with him to reconsider.
Any thoughts ?