I’m always biting my lip re: sister

[SortYourselfOut]

Please help me to get some perspective or tell me if you can understand why I’m so fed up here !
I have a small family, just my DD who is almost 24 and physically disabled with learning difficulties - we live together, I’m single.
I have one sister, she has two adult children and five lovely grandkids. She is at her daughter’s house Every. Single. Day to ‘help’ her with the kids and housework (her daughter is married, by the way, but husband does absolutely nothing to help, stating that he’s been to work all day , he does nothing extra). My sister complains constantly about her grandkids - honestly, they are lovely, bright and clever but, yeah, they are a bit boisterous and cheeky
just normal, really !
My sister is a bit of a martyr, I reckon.
Anyway, we’re all off to Greece soon for her son’s wedding. It would’ve cost me a fortune for me and my DD to stay in the same all inclusive hotel as everyone else so we’re a 10 minute taxi ride away at a (nice) self catering hotel. All good so far.
It’s going to be my birthday the first night we’re there and so today I asked could we all meet for a drink on my birthday night … my sister properly pulled a face saying she’d paid for all inclusive so she wasn’t going to be leaving the hotel in the evening. If I wanted to join them at their hotel it would cost me €80 for a day pass !
She is always pleading poverty yet she’s paying almost £400 to join the hen weekend (she’s also complaining about that).
All I’m asking is if my (tiny) family could have a few drinks with me on my birthday. No one ever does anything for me on my birthday so it couldn’t hurt, could it ? Or am
I being a bit pathetic ?
Would you bring up this issue with her if you were me ?

I don't see any point in bringing the issue up... because you already have! And she DGAF. She's literally told you with her face and her words. Why beg for her attention? I wouldn't bother with her any more TBH. She doesn't care about you.

Thats awful OP, if your family were any way kind they could have clubbed together for you and your daughter to have a day with them at the all inclusive for your birthday. If you say anything it’s like you are being petty. I would just remember this when it is your sisters birthday. Could you mention to your nephew and niece it’s your birthday would they be kinder than their mother!!
I don’t like people who do things to help their family and then complain about it. No doubt OP you would have loved if your daughter was well and could marry and have children. It must be so hard to listen to your sister complain about her grandchildren. You probably do lots of work caring for your daughter.

Thank you @WeAreAllBucked
You are so right, it hurts my heart a bit when I hear her speaking so negatively about her grandchildren, she just doesn’t realise what a gift she has in them !
My niece is lovely, she did say straight away that we will all meet up in a bar nearby and have a birthday get together but I saw my sister’s face and when she said ‘I’ve paid for all inclusive I’m staying put !’ my stomach dropped and I just thought oh I’ll leave it then.
Would you say anything if you were me ? I don’t want to fall out with her but, yeah, sometimes it feels like she doesn’t care and that hurts.

Any other advice, anyone ?

Hi OP - I’m an only child so no sister experience but - I think what you’re experiencing is awful and upsetting. Your sister is expecting you to do all the running around and not even prepared to meet you halfway ❤️

This, sadly.

What will happen if you talk to her again? Grumpiness, negativity, lack of care. She’s not going to say ‘oh I’m sorry, of course we’ll meet somewhere, and it’s my treat!’ is she? I’d accept her for who she is, which seems to be a disinterested and negative woman, and I’d start looking outwards when you get home, at other friendships.

I don’t think I would bring it up tbh.
what I would do is every time she complains about the grandchildren. Just say:
You are blessed having them, I would only have loved Grandchildren if my daughter was well.
Your lovely niece has agreed to go for drinks with you, let your sister mind all her Grandkids in the all inclusive and go with her🤣
Sometimes the least said, the least to mend. Your sister does not sound like a person who would take it on board.

I would speak to your niece and say you would like to take her up on your offer of meeting at the bar. Then tell your sister she can either come or not it’s up to her, but you can’t afford to pay €80 x 2 for a day pass for a couple of hours unless she would like to pay for you as it’s your birthday

then if she won’t come just don’t do anything for her birthday. Selfish woman

The issue isn’t this one thing but everything. You might think about strengthening your relationship with your niece and grand nieces/nephews and stop worrying about sister or parents. Don’t let them be gatekeepers or chokepoints to relationships eith your niece/others in lower generations. I had very important relationships with my great aunts which completely bypassed my parents. Accept the offered drink with your niece. Ignore your sister.

Thanks for all of your comments, it's given me a bit of perspective and support to realise that I'm not being petty.
Thanks also to the PP who encouraged me to keep up the ties with my niece and her kids as they grow up, you're so right.

Ok - different perspective. Your sister who is money conscious has shelled out to stay in a hotel for her son’s wedding. Her son’s wedding is a one-off your birthday isn’t, and the purpose of the trip is her son’s wedding. But the first night you want her to leave the all-inclusive. Shelling out to attend a hen when you are the mother of the groom is also fairly normal.

She gives out about her life which is fairly normal for a lot of people. You feel she is insensitive to your situation which I think is understandable in the circumstances.

Your saying no one ever does anything for your birthday is a wider issue and suggests you feel the dynamic is off. It may well be but the time to address that isn’t on the trip for her son’s wedding.

Your own circumstances sound difficult and tiring and your sister sounds like she may not ever have taken a pause to consider her good fortune. I can understand why that is frustrating.

Hi @the7Vabo Thanks, you do raise some good points.
I have considered all angles, as you’ve outlined. The unique nature of why we shall all be on holiday together hasn’t been lost on me yet, still, I think that - what ? 3 hours ? - isn’t too much to ask of my only family to spend time with me having a few drinks for my birthday.

Update -
I’m just waiting to set off to the airport for the holiday / wedding.
Was told by my sister the other day that they would be up for a couple of drinks on the evening of my birthday after all - great !
Now, that’s all changed, everyone will be ‘too tired’ also my sister doesn’t want to do anything that’s not at the all inclusive hotel
they‘re staying at (I thought she might want a few hours off from her grandkids considering she does nothing but moan about them).
Honestly wish I wasn’t bothering. Still, I’ll make sure that my daughter and I will have a lovely time. AIBU to feel peed off that they couldn’t even spare a couple of hours ?

Could you not go to the all inclusive but for a full day? €80 for all meals and drinks in a fancy resort would be a pretty good deal and a nice birthday treat?

Oh Op, I know how you feel.

For 3 years my sister's husband would phone me in a panic and say that she needs me, is depressed and can I come and surprise her on her birthday. For 3 years I would get time off work, book a flight, hire a car and drive the 3 hours to their town to surprise her.

And a month after her birthday, when it's my birthday, she would send me a 'happy birthday text'. Not even a phone call.

The 3rd time it happened I let rip. Told her to shove her birthday text and birthday trips if she can't even be bothered to pick up the phone and speak to me for 5 minutes on my birthday

It did the trick for a while but we did eventually go no contact due to shitty behaviour from her husband that she condoned. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I understand.

I don't think you are wrong to be upset. You have every right to feel that you don't ask for much, and she is a self centered cow.

Yes, this. Be around people whose company you enjoy and find uplifting. Say ‘Gosh, sis, you complain about your grandchildren a lot. Maybe think about whether you should keep doing this if it’s too much for you?’ and change the subject.

I also agree with @the7Vabo — if there are wider issues in your relationship with the family, now is not the time to highlight them at someone else’s wedding.

Agree with @the7Vabo

This trip is for the wedding.

You can make choices about things your sister suggests for herself/her family, and don’t have to continue to listen to her complaining about her DC.

There is no point in bringing it up. She is a selfish person. When you get back don't have too much to do with her. But no point in starting anything now at the wedding.

Yanbu.
How boring to stay in the same place every night while abroad.
Definitely go with your niece.

She’s your sister - I would be telling her that her behaviour upsets you. I doubt she’ll change, but at least you’ll get it off your chest. Be there for your other family, but I would go low contact with DSis.

I wish you weren't bothering too! Destination weddings are so expensive for people to attend. I would have said no altogether tbh, so you're much nicer than me! I hope it all goes OK.

I'd say to your niece, 'Thank you. That would be lovely.' Continue to make arrangements with any family members who do show interest and just drop your sister from your mind. I'd also be honest and say you can't afford to buy into their all inclusive for the evening. If they are half-decent, they could club together and buy you and your DD a pass so you can join them. But imo, a bar outside the hotel complex would be more fun anyway.

If there is a chance your sister will orchestrate for her family not to turn up to celebrate with you, prepare for it in advance and just tell yourself it's fine if just you and your DD have a quiet drink in a bar near where you are staying.

Hey, thanks everyone.
I’m here right now, it’s my birthday today. My DD and I got here very late last night and I’ve spent the day with my DD which has been lovely, don’t get me wrong, but at the back of my mind is the fact that the rest of my family are a short taxi ride away and none of them give enough of a shit to even have texted me ‘Happy Birthday’ let alone meet me for a drink tonight.
I’m low level fuming and feel really, really hurt.
I’d never, ever make a scene here or at the wedding, that is the reason why we’re all over here after all, but I shall be quietly phasing them out from now on. It’s my DD I feel for, we are on our own, my parents are gone, my DD’s father left the scene years ago. I’ve no partner … I don’t want a tiny violin played for us 😂 but isn’t it just a bit crap ?!
Sorry for going on. Anyway, we’re dolling ourselves up shortly and we’re going out for dinner.

There are no teachable moments at a funeral.

A Catholic priest told my friend that at her husband’s funeral. I think this goes double for weddings. He meant that people stay the same, stuck in their family roles. Regardless of how important the moment is for the corpse, or the widow, or the bride, or the guest.

Have a marvellous time with your daughter!

Happy birthday. I have been in your shoes and I cried buckets on my birthday. These people are not worth our tears.