AIBU - left out of partner's funeral arrangements, ashes dilemma

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I'm sorry that this is long one.

I've recently posted about my exH, my DD's Dad, passing away. We held his funeral at the beginning of October. In the meantime, my partner was in hospital several hours away. We had become estranged over the Summer and he'd moved back to where we'd originally met to reconnect with his grown up son and start a new chapter. We were still in touch and still loved each other, we were definitely still partners.

He was a chronic alcoholic, had been ill for years and I tried to look after him. I went straight from my first ex's funeral and literally drove for 4 hours to be at his bedside. I spent two nights at the hospital with him and he died on the third morning. Luckily, his son was also there for the last couple of hours and my heart broke for him.

Now, because of the physical distance etc, even though late H put me as his main contact, the registering of the death and funeral arrangements fell to his son. He is a lovely lad, we've always got on and I could see that he was going to struggle with it all and so I offered for us to do it together, choose the music, readings etc. I said I could print the order of service and take care of the flowers and he was very happy for me to do this. We also agreed that we would share my late partner's ashes. All fine.

As the weeks have gone by, however, I became more and more aware that I was being left out of the arrangements. I've discovered today that he won't split the ashes, the music choices we agreed on have been changed. There are to be readings by people - one of whom my partner had never even met - and nowhere am I nor my DD acknowledged or have been asked if we'd like to say something or add a reading / poem etc.

I'm just devastated and so is my DD. My late partner / exDH, me and my DD were a family still. We lived 5 minutes away from each other. He came here for meals, I took him shopping, did his washing, he looked after my DD (she's a young adult with special needs), took him for medical appointments and above all, we loved each other.

The funeral is this Friday, I am seriously considering not attending. How can my DD and I sit there whilst this goes on around us and we aren't even footnotes in his story ? By the way, his son had no contact with his dad for at least 10 years prior to earlier this year, he hardly knew him, he even had to ask me what his Dad's middle name was ! But it was OK, I used to say to my partner that his son would come back to him one day once he's matured a bit and that's exactly what's happened. I get that there is a LOT of grief there and sadness for his son around his relationship with his Dad, things that will be with him for the rest of his life ... but all I am asking is for something tangible for me and my DD to ease our grief.

I've rung his son this morning and pleaded with him to reconsider.

Any thoughts ?

It's a difficult one but I think you should attend, even if just for a short time. Mainly for yourself actually: just so that you can say your goodbye so to speak. You offered to help his son when you felt he was was lost. Obviously, someone decided to intervene somewhere along the way. Unfortunately, he seems not to have found the courage to speak to you about it but I guess you could try and see it as the job off your hands so to speak, let go and just turn up for just a short while for yourself, so you don't have any regrets later.

If you don't think you will, then I guess you don't have to.

Sorry for your loss. i agree with pp that you should attend if you feel able and maybe carve out your own remembrance on the day too - linger by the grave, put some flowers down in a significant spot, etc

If youve made specific asks of the son and he refuses then you’ve at least tried in good faith. Some people would rather not split ashes - but could you keep another memento perhaps? Maybe the readings or songs are assigned. You know yourself how significant you were to each other - and I hope you take comfort in privately acknowledging and celebrating that too

What did the son say in response to your request?

You don’t say how long you were together, and this might be a factor in the family’s dealings re the funeral arrangements.
The separation you describe might well be read as exactly that, a separation indicating that you were no longer partners at all.
Your late partner might have asked his son to carry out arrangements you aren't aware of. He'd have been so terribly ill, so weak towards the end, and things may have been very confused.
If the son was still his next of kin, as appears to be the case, a lot could be made from that fact as far as his family is concerned. (Did his will make mention of you and your daughter?)

In short, there’s much that could explain the problems you outline and talking to his son’s the only way you'll know. (I do think you could be given some of the ashes however the funeral itself turns out. I’d attend, even if the son remains intransigent. You don’t need acknowledgement or representation if a family is resistant, but you'd have the chance to say this formal goodbye all the same.)

I’m terribly sorry for the painful time you've been having, and for the double loss you have endured.

I can see both sides of this, tbh. (And separately I think splitting ashes is odd.)

You've been bereaved twice over in a short space of time, neither of the deaths sound like easy ones. As such, I think you should go just to fend off the possibility that you might regret not going. Leave all the "but I'm more important than him/her" for another day. It's not what matters. If you loved your second ex-partner, presumably you'd want to be at his funeral more than you care about who does what to whom and why.

That’s his dad and you were, by your own accounts, estranged at the time and he had moved out and was no longer living with you. It’s not possible to be both estranged and still partners.

Ultimately, it sounds like you need to respect that when the relationship broke down he reached out to his son, and it sounds like his son is trying to do the best he can do to honour his wishes under challenging circumstances.

I think you should 100% attend the funeral. Do not make a fuss and make it all harder for everyone than it needs to be. You’re all grieving. It sounds like his son has been tasked with arranging everything as his next of kin. I’d respect those arrangements, but also find your own way to honour his memory.

You have also been the partner of a very unwell alcoholic. You will be carrying a lot of heavy stuff from that time. You also need to look after you and reach out for some support when you’re ready. It will take time to accept you can put all that down now.

You can’t be ‘estranged’ and still be partners.

A lot in this story doesn’t make sense.

You say that you had become ‘estranged’ but were still ‘in touch’ and ‘still partners.’ That’s not what ‘estranged’ means.

You say that the son is a ‘lovely lad’ and you’ve ‘always got on’, but that prior to this year, he hadn’t seen his dad (and presumably you) for 10 years?

This.

Hi Millytante - thanks for your reply.
We were together for 19 years, married for 11 of those. We did split a few times but we always drifted back together again. His son knew his Dad was in hospital (10 minutes away for him) but he didn't visit him at all until the morning his Dad died, he made it just in time.
My partner died penniless, so there's no Will, he stopped working a few years ago when drink got the better of him.
His son just repeated that he didn't want to split them (we had already agreed that we would). I wouldn't have known anything at all had I not called the funeral director this morning. I tried to plead a case that it would mean such a lot to my DD and I but he was just quiet on the phone. I asked him to think about what I'd said and to call me tonight, but I doubt that he will.
My DD and I are even the lock screen on my late partner's phone, we were still very much a family.
He'd be hating all this, he'd be so disappointed in his son :(

I remember one of your previous posts and you stated you were single in April, so I can understand why the son is doing the majority of the decision making.
I dont think you should have rung him, let him grieve in peace, its his dad.
Attend the funeral and say goodbye, you dont need a public display to show that you cared for him.

This. It just doesn't make any sense.

I think you should go to the funeral, but the rest of it...don't let the little things become big things. You have much more important issues to worry about now.

That's really tough and I feel for you. But his son is the next of kin and can make these arrangements without you. It's hurtful for him to not even acknowledge your role in his life but you can't force it.

You still considered his dad your life partner but his son may see things very differently. To an outside observer you had separated, become estranged and he had moved away. I know that's not how you feel and I'm sorry about that. He's probably in turmoil himself, kicking himself for missing out on 10 years with his dad and now it's too late.

I think you should attend the funeral, the service at least. Funerals are for the living to say goodbye and start to form closure on their grief. Don't stay away just because you are angry with his son. Do something quiet and private with your daughter to mark his passing and commemorate his life, maybe plant a tree and talk about your best memories, then go for a nice lunch.

I agree with this.

The son’s version of this may look very different to OP’s. The funeral, for him, is not a joyous celebration of the life of a great father and husband. He wasn’t any of those things. He was an alcoholic who abandoned his family, was estranged from his son for a decade, and who ended up in a snug codependent relationship with an older woman who folded him into her caregiving life as another wounded soul. His family may not see him in a warm snd forgiving light and they may not see OP as more than dad’s latest enabler.

Sorry for your loss. Were you married or partners, your posts are not clear at all on the nature of your relationship.

About the 'estranged' part ... maybe I shouldn't have used that word. Like I say, it was complicated.
I definitely don't want to make things even harder for anyone and I know that funerals are to say goodbye and not a show of loyalty or 'I've more right than you' and all of that BS.
I just think it's terrible to have been excluded in this way from all of the arrangements when we'd previously talked about doing them together. What's been arranged doesn't represent his Dad at all - but it's OK, it's going to make his son feel a bit better, hopefully, but where does that leave me and my DD ?
We had talked quite recently about where we'd want ashes scattered once the time comes (I'm 57 and he was 61, you sometimes have those sorts of conversations as you age ) and I know what his Dad told me.
Had it happened that he had died whilst still living around the corner then there's no way I would've done to his son what he's doing to me.

Hi - thank you.
We were married, then we divorced and subsequently got back together. In each others lives for 19 years all told with a month or so here and there when we didn't see each other.

I'm sorry for both your losses.
It sounds like you had a very complicated relationship that people looking in from outside may have perceived differently to how you actually experienced it. It also sounds like your partner had a complicated and fractured relationship with his son. I think the kindest thing to everyone, you included, is to just let it go and go with his son's wishes.

Is there something you and your daughter could do to celebrate his life and commemorate his loss? Go on a holiday to a significant location, plant a rose bush or a tree in your garden?

Just seen your update. So you were married. Had you divorced? If so I can more understand why your son considered you a past ex and not a current partner.

My husband was married before (no children). If he died after me I would be very surprised if our children would want his ex wife to come to the funeral, let alone play a role in it.

Splitting the ashes isn't as easy as you think OP. My ex asked for some of our daughter's and it's just not happening. It might be different a bit down the road.

I don't really understand your post fully, who's who and who you were to them. I think I'd suggest going to the funeral and taking that back seat. Grieving as an estranged child brings a whole set of emotions you didn't know existed I think and it's the worst time to make it about you.

Whoever organises the funeral,pays for it. Nobody else really gets a say. Have you offered to put some coin in?

Unfortunately you weren't married and he had moved away from you before he died - as hard as that is for you, it really means that you have nothing to do with the funeral and none of it is down to you to organise or arrange.

Maybe do your own little remembrance ceremony with DD.

Just to defend the son a bit, I always thought I would be able to split ashes but when push came to shove it took me a long time to be able to open the box with DH inside and divide his ashes up. I surprised myself at just how difficult I found it. Given time, hopefully his son will come round to being able to do it too.

As he had moved away from you—home—before he died you have to expect that previous sentimental discussions of ashes and funeral wishes were, to his blood kin, now thought irrelevant.

Im really sorry for both you and your DDs losses. I understand this must be really hard for you, but his son has had to cope with an alcoholic parent in his life. Its a special kind of hell to be in. And in a short time, he's had his dad try and come back into his life, and his dad pass. That's so much on his shoulders. He is just trying to get through this, as are you. You are bringing more stress to someone whose had to deal with so much.

'By the way, his son had no contact with his dad for at least 10 years prior to earlier this year, he hardly knew him, he even had to ask me what his Dad's middle name was ! But it was OK, I used to say to my partner that his son would come back to him one day once he's matured a bit and that's exactly what's happened. '

This is kind of making it sound like you are putting a lot of blame on the sons shoulders, and rightly or wrongly, no matter whose fault the relationship breakdown was, all other people are going to see is a man's estranged partner trying to pressure a man whose had a difficult relationship with an alcoholic partner, to do things a certain way at a very difficult time
I appreciate that this must be very difficult for you, but you are only going to ever see things from your partners eyes, and maybe his sons side of the story means he just wants to get through it for now. And if we're really going to get down to it, would your partner want you to have to pressure his son into giving you the ashes? Would he have been okay with that?

Re ‘where this leaves you and your dd’ - the two of you clearly had a very different relationship with him than his son and the rest of his biological family did.

From his son’s perspective, his dad was an alcoholic who abandoned him and relocated elsewhere in the country to help raise somebody else’s child instead of his own. He is allowed to have his own, complex reaction to his father’s death. And as next of kin, what happens to the ashes, and at the funeral, is up to him. You weren’t married. You have no right to dictate these things.

If the proposed funeral isn’t going to give you and you dd the kind of emotional closure you need, you will simply have to find this elsewhere.

I am very sorry for your losses and what you are going through.

I am also very sorry but I think in places you are interchanging H when you mean ex partner. I know I feel a bit confused about who is who but maybe it’s just me.

”… about my exH, my DD's Dad, passing away. We held his funeral at the beginning of October. In the meantime, my partner was in hospital several hours away.“ …

”… even though late H put me as his main contact, the registering of the death and funeral arrangements fell to his son.”