Do your parents offer to have your children?

[Ohnottheschoolrunagain]

Me and DH have got into a dispute so I’m trying to work out whether our set up is normal or not. His parents never offer to come over or ask whether the kids want to stay over. I honestly think if we never took them they would never see the kids. DH say he prefer’s it that way but I don’t believe that for one second and that’s why he is so triggered. My mum will offer but she is a good drive away so sometimes I won’t bother. His parents are closer but radio silence!

Intrigued to know what other people’s setups are like.

My mom tells me when she’s having my 5 year old for a sleepover 😂

I love the bond they have but it makes me feel guilty if i ask for help a different time.

His other grandparents- they’re content with a few photos here and there. Then expect we fit them in around xmas and birthdays so they can handover presents.

I think it’s so sad grandparents don’t want to be in their grandchildren’s lives. I loved my grandparents and loved staying with them. My mum was very involved with all her grandchildren, she provided childcare for them all. They now all have a terrific bond. Not a day go by without one of the grandchildren calling in to see her and bringing her a wee gift, It’s lovely to see.

My parents are like your DHs. When I was pregnant my mum said she would drop to a 4 day week (first and only grandchild), that never came to be and they moved abroad just after he turned 2. I don’t think they’re interested which makes me sad for my son as I have a great relationship with both sets of grandparents who I saw regularly growing up.

I am lucky that I have a fab MIL down the road who has him one night a week and a few weekends a year when DP and I have something on.

My kids are young adults now, but my mum and dad had them overnight frequently when they were little. We moved away from them because of jobs, but they'd still have them for a few days in school holidays. Hope I can do the dame for my kids.

When my children were little my mum lived 8 hours away and cared for my Gran. Initially. my MIL was 45mins away but we moved for work and were 4hours away. She never volunteered to babysit. We asked twice.My mum would fly down once every 6 weeks. MIL sent more time with SIL as she was a single patent. My Mum died when eldest was in juniors.
I feel that my children missed out on Grandparents
My brother and lovely wife still look after my Disable adult DC if we head North. They are wonderful.
Apart from that we have paid for child care.

My Parents provided childcare for my two DC pre-school. Picked them up from school a few afternoons a week and always had them to stay over. They have taken them on abroad holidays too - cruises etc without me. At one stage I had to ask my Mum to step back a bit as she got a bit too keen. They also provided all care for my siblings DC too and even though my Mum worked full time (nights) my Dad was at home and looked after them all. I never paid for a days childcare. I have been incredibly fortunate and now the DC are young adults they are super close to DM and were devastated when my Dad died.

My mam would have my 3 one at a time for sleep overs regularly over the years, she would take them at the drop of a hat for a few hours if we needed to go somewhere. My mil never had sleepovers or did any babysitting at all. She would do it for her daughters kids, who were a lot older than mine, but never for any of her sons kids. Mine are late teens and adults now. My sister was also great for sleepovers, so I count us as being very lucky when the kids were younger. My sister would now have my grand daughter now and again for sleepovers.

Never. Oldest is 12, we had all in all about 4 hours of the kids being with either set of grandparents without us being present. And never both at the same time.

They don’t “offer to have” my DC no.

They do see DD but only with me present. They don’t provide childcare.

nMy mum and dad lived close by and babysat quite a lot ( my in laws never) which was great but the first time they had him overnight he was 10 years . He was an awful sleeper and my mum didn’t want her sleep disturbed. I should say both my parents were semi retired at this time . I would happily have arranged it for one of their non working days.
A friend had him for a night when he was 1 and again when he was 2. That was the only night respite we had.
As a child I was always staying overnight at my nan and grandparents and during the holidays would stay for a week with my aunt who lived near the seaside. So they had lots of breaks but unfortunately didn’t give me the same support. Occasionally just saying look I know you’ve been up 8 times last night, we’ll have him tonight just do you can sleep. It was literally like torture.

When I became a grandparent I told my son that we would have my grandchild any Friday night. My husband and I both worked full time so our reasoning was if we got no sleep on Friday night we still had Saturday night to catch up. We were taken up on that offer and it suited everybody.

The grandparents who don’t see the grandkids, did the parents put any restrictions on when the children were born? Like not seeing the baby for the first weeks, no holding the baby and so on? Just wondering if this would influence grandparents behaviour.

My mil was in the recovery room pretty much as soon as my mother was.

She was too busy when ours where born and magically had free time when her daughters where born. Despite still working the same hours, living in the same house and us actually living closer at that time.

Tho the outcome does seem to be her daughter needs a hand hold constantly and cannot or won’t even holiday without a grandparent. Her husband cannot go away overnight as she can’t cope alone. Zero Sen or disabilities so it’s mind boggling. Just codependant. How her husband puts up with it I don’t know. They actually moved next door to her parents last year.

While my children have seen the favourites and ask what nanny if I say we are going to Nannie’s house, then they pretty much roll their eyes and sigh if they find out we are visiting that side. With a how long… do we have too… I’ve got homework can I stay home…

reaping and sowing. 😂

They’ve both died now but they looked after all their grandchildren. It’s worth noting that they had been divorced many years and dad was just as much a caregiver as mum. Mum made sure there were plenty of beds for sleepovers.

My mil didn’t babysit so much as it wasn’t as convenient but she was and still is equally as doting. In fact my 18 year old has moved to the other side of the world and is currently staying at her place.

My parents have my 17 month old twice a week. If I'm on annual leave, they're still keen to see her and take her out. They didn't want to do sleepovers, but are happy with her staying every now and then now she sleeps through on occasions like birthdays so we can go out.

Even if they didn't have her, I'm like 95% certain my mum would want to meet up, take her to the park, etc.

One set of grandparents adore the kids, want to see them all the time. Help in every single way possible. Provide weekly childcare and love it.

Other set sees them a few times a year. Has never once offered help.

I grew up practically living at my grandparents. So I find it a little sad that out of 4 retired grandparents not one has ever suggested they come over for the day or have a sleepover.
But there is a reason I lived at my grandparents. My parents didn't want to be parents.

My dh is dissapointed in his parents but he can openly talk about it. Sounds like your partner maybe doesn't have the skills or awareness to talk about how he feels or just feels differently? Hard to know without more information. Did he grow up seeing grandparents lots, sleepovers?

No they dont. But ds9 has diabetes & they aren’t comfortable with that level of care.
My grandparents would literally have me for weeks at a time over the school hoildays though!

F

No, but I was 40 & 45 when mine were born, so it wasn't really possible anyway as mobility problems had started setting in, and with regard to my parents at least we have very different approaches to parenting so it wouldn't have worked (basically my mum's answer to anything and everything is give them a smack - can't walk yet? Give them a smack. Doesn't want to potty train or has accidents? Give them a smack. It's what she did with us apparently and allegedly she only ever had to smack us the once for each thing - even though I don't remember it I'm not so sure...). In any event they couldn't anyway really, it's tiring enough for me sometimes never mind in your 70's!

Nope my mil practically camped outside my womb for when my babies were born. Always the first to see them out of any family. Yet no sleepovers no wanting to see them. I've since gathered she just really likes a newborn cuddle but that's it.
They have babysat twice but we have to ask and it's not exactly enthusiastic so we don't ask.
The other side only help out siblings and not us.
It boggles my mind.

Not really, my mum lived too far away and only offered for brief spells while we were down visiting. OHs dad had to be asked, even in an emergency, choosing to spend his time in other ways.

My Dad would if he could but he's been ill recently.

My biggest bug bear with the In-laws is not regularly child care, but the fact that I don't feel we could rely on them in an emergency. If something happened to DH maybe as they came once when he was ill (but only came the one time and it was a ongoing problem DH had), I honestly don't feel that I could call on them in emergency as they would likely say no.

My MIL and my Dad will happily look after the kids when asked but don't offer. My Mum doesn't offer and I rarely ask but she isn't keen when I do ask. She will take my kids out one at a time every now and again and spoil them which isn't any use to me 🤣

Yes my parents and in laws (both local) have done regular childcare in the past.

IRL everyone I know who has local parents/ILs has some form of practical support from them. And all of the friends of my parents do some form of childcare too. These threads tend to surprise me.

Same as us. DH’s parents live close and will babysit in the evening if asked or do a half day childcare for, say, an INSET. Mine live 4 hours away and will do a weekend once per year, if asked. But neither set ask to see the children or offer childcare. For example, when we travel to my parents in school holidays DP will never encourage us to go out for dinner whilst they stay in with the children or anything. DM has looked after my DB’s four children for 3 full days per week for years (youngest started school this year, oldest is in Y11!) So, partly, I think she’s shattered.

I do think if we didn’t ask for the occasional babysitting they wouldn’t see much of the DC. I too am very jealous of those families who seem to actively want so spend time with grand children!