To think men only love what women do for them, not who women are?

[NotYourPeacekeeper]

I was watching an interview with Cristiano Ronaldo and when he was asked what he loves about his fiancée, every single answer was about what she does for him: how she cooks, takes care of the kids, supports him, keeps him grounded, etc. Not once did he mention her personality, humour, intelligence or anything that showed real admiration for who she is as a person.

That interview said a lot without saying much.
So many men describe love through utility - what a woman brings to their life, how she maintains their peace, how she meets their needs. It’s rarely about her spirit, ambitions or individuality.

And the irony is women are the ones constantly told to be nurturing, supportive, selfless, yet when men describe love, it often sounds like a job description:

“She cooks for me.”
“She’s always there when I need her.”
“She keeps me in check.”

Erm… that’s an assistant, not affection.

Too many men love the way women love them, not the women themselves.

So yes, make sure he’s at least providing. If you’re doing the emotional labour, he can cover the bills. Minimum.

I don’t think you can do a sweeping generalisation
that said I’m sure there many a billionaire wives who love there husband for what they do for them rather than than who they are

I wouldn't take Cristiano Ronaldo' s view of women as meaningful in any sense of the world.
Me, me, me, me is his mantra in life.

A) I wouldn’t look to Ronaldo as a font of inspiration for life and B) It’s a prosaic media interview to make him appear a more relatable human rather than a marriage psychology book.

Though half the responses to MN threads about “Why do you love your husband?” are along the lines of “he’s a good provider and lets me stay at home with the kids / he looks after and protects me / he’s good at all the things I’m not” rather than poeticism about admiration, so I imagine many people really do just think along functionality rather than abstract.

Agreed.

Though as to your second point -- I like my DH as well as love him because he's clever yet optimistic and remains interesting and frequently mysterious to me after almost 30 years. He does cook like a dream, but I've never needed him to 'provide' for me in my life, or harboured a desire to be economically dependent on him. It's not the 1850s.

You've deduced this from the musings of Cristiano Ronaldo? 😂

No. I don't recognise this in my DH.

Some men yeah probably but certainly not all men no.

Extrapolating a blanket gender-based generalisation based on a Cristiano Ronaldo interview is very strange.

I don't think focusing on what your partner does for you as opposed to who they are is remotely gendered.

I wouldn't like it in my relationship - I'd definitely need to feel valued for who I am not what I do not least because I don't do much in the way of looking after men.

That said if anyone asked me in public what I love about DP, I might well focus on what he does for me (the cooking!!!! If I married him and did a speech I would just talk about his cooking and nothing else), because I consider the emotional and intimate stuff to be a bit more private.

Why do you think that men are so different to women in this respect? This was 1 man.

Just stop for a moment and think about all the incredible love songs written by men.

Cristiano Ronaldo was just the example that sparked the thought, not the whole basis of it. It’s more about how often men, famous or not, describe women in terms of what they do rather than who they are. I’ve seen it plenty in everyday life too.

Of course there are men who love deeply and express it beautifully - love songs prove that! I just think there’s a noticeable difference between how love is talked about vs how it’s lived.

In practice, a lot of men describe love in terms of what a woman does for them, not who she is. It’s not universal but it’s definitely a cultural pattern worth noticing.

I've always been under the impression that Ronaldo bats for the other team....

Hmmm, good point. But it could be true that (some) men only like what women DO for them.

Eg, it's a well documented fact that if a woman becomes very ill, and can't do anything for herself, let alone for anyone else, and she needs full time care, the man/husband, will leave.

So some men (some not all,) will only really want to be with a woman as long as it's to his advantage being with her. And he certainly doesn't want to be with a woman who is not doing anything/is unable to to do anything. (Because that means HE will actually have to pull his finger out, and do the grunt work, domestic chores, housework, cooking, and shopping etc for the family... And most men are NOT going to be doing that.)

.

Probably some men as well as some women. A bit of a sweeping generalisation.

It's a sweeping generalisation based on your limited observations, which aren't shared by most posters on this thread, so hardly a "cultural pattern".

I've never even considered that possibility!

But now you mention it I could really see it making sense.

Ronaldo should never be, I fear, looked to for any insight, typical or otherwise, into relationships, particularly heterosexual ones, imo.

I cannot speak for all men but I can speak for the one I know best. I’m sure my husband does appreciate all I do for him, but he wouldn’t look to that for his primary reasons for loving me. His first answers would always be my sense of humour, my emotional strength and my loyalty.

I think the fact he had twins via surrogate and another child with a woman who has never been named yet he has full custody of him... An unusual thing for a straight, single man to do and even more strange for a woman to agree to....

It just always felt that he desperately wanted children and that in Georgina he has found someone who will look after his kids, have further children with him and live life alongside him to play the perfect family. Because let's be honest, she wouldn't be getting a bad deal out of the whole thing!

Also his family are deeply religious so would tie in with him not being able to be true to himself.

I might be completely wrong though!

Not my experience. Sorry if it the the case for you, though.

Often true, yes. It's not uncommon to hear men talk about their deceased wives - and children about their mothers - in household appliance terms.

And many men traditionally remarry or enter into new 'caretaker' relationships very quickly when children are involved which suggests reasons other than love for a person.

I think for every Christian Ronaldo type man there’s a woman who sees her man as a lifestyle provider. I know plenty. Fortunately there are lots of different types of people- in both sexes, many of who have more natural, loving relationships. You are very blinkered if you tar everyone with the same brush!

Yes, I think men often forget we are actual people with interests and independent thought, which is why so many of them don't want a woman who they see as "drama". If you don't accept their viewpoint and frequently disagree with them, any discussion is seen as drama or "hard work". Largely because they have to engage brain.

Some women probably talk only of what their husband brings them materially - houses, good salary, nice holidays etc.

Such is the world

I don’t think it’s a gender thing. I just think some people are very transactional in what they consider to be “love”

Not for me, but each to their own.

I do think it is a gender thing, I think it is an empathy thing which is very often a gender thing. If we look at which sex does the care roles and nurturing and community work it's women. Men don't think about other people and their needs as often, because they don't have to. Often they don't read at all which grows the empathy and social awareness skills, so it doesn't come as second nature as it does to so many women who have been conditioned into the role by society and it's expectations. I suspect it is all linked.