To think men only love what women do for them, not who women are?

[NotYourPeacekeeper]

I was watching an interview with Cristiano Ronaldo and when he was asked what he loves about his fiancée, every single answer was about what she does for him: how she cooks, takes care of the kids, supports him, keeps him grounded, etc. Not once did he mention her personality, humour, intelligence or anything that showed real admiration for who she is as a person.

That interview said a lot without saying much.
So many men describe love through utility - what a woman brings to their life, how she maintains their peace, how she meets their needs. It’s rarely about her spirit, ambitions or individuality.

And the irony is women are the ones constantly told to be nurturing, supportive, selfless, yet when men describe love, it often sounds like a job description:

“She cooks for me.”
“She’s always there when I need her.”
“She keeps me in check.”

Erm… that’s an assistant, not affection.

Too many men love the way women love them, not the women themselves.

So yes, make sure he’s at least providing. If you’re doing the emotional labour, he can cover the bills. Minimum.

Exactly this.

i can’t vote either way as I’m sure you’re completely right that there are a lot of men who do think like this - probably heavily influenced by their home life and what they experienced. They’re good ones to avoid.

i mean there are over 4 billion men to choose from in the world - plenty are as you describe and plenty aren’t. Don’t settle for one of the first!

I don’t know I’ve seen men look genuinely adoringly at the women they are with (who I know aren’t cooking and cleaning for them). Even been on the receiving end myself a few times. I do think however men are better at being utterly selfish as well and some will basically start seeing their wife through utilitarian eyes once kids etc come along.

But tbh I don’t consider it love if you are just valued for what you are doing for your spouse, ditto loving your husband for being rich isn’t really love imo.
They do fall in love for different reasons, not just how handy a woman is with a hoover.

Christiano Ronaldo wouldn't be the bar I'd set to compare men to. You could easily say the same for 20 something year old women who go off with a 70 year old rich guy. Both are getting something.

I think men and women are equally capable of this. My dh isn't like the example you have given.

I always thought this was a known fact, but don’t know where I got it from. Until i mentioned it to my boyfriend a couple of years ago and he told me not to be ridiculous.

Also, I just asked my boyfriend what he loves about me. After making a tongue in cheek joke about “I love that you distract me from working by asking these inane questions” he went on to say he loves my sense of humour, he loves watching me with our newborn baby, he loves my enthusiasm and zest for life, and he loves my bum. So no, not all men are like Christiano.

Actually, I just thought about I would reply if you asked me what I love about my OH and the first thing I actually thought of was that he takes care of me (because he has done a lot of that recently).

I agree in general OP. Of course NAMALT but I think too many men think of women as appliances rather than people. See also the number of men who leave their wives when they become seriously ill in comparison to women who leave their husbands.

Even in quite a few male-written love songs, it's about her support of him (or her looks) rather than who she is as a person.

Speaking as a man here I think you need to consider how men talk and what men talk about. A sizeable number of men simply never talk about emotions at all, whether that's because it makes them uncomfortable or because it's hard for them to naturally articulate.

If you asked me what I love about my wife, amongst the many things I could list I might say "she buys little treats to cheer me up when she can see I am unhappy".

You might interpret that as "he loves being bought treats, he doesn't love her". But that's not it. That's how a man articulates "I really appreciate my wife caring for my emotional wellbeing and supporting me when I am at an emotional low point".

But men (typically) do not use the same words as women, and do not talk about emotions directly.

A woman might help another woman who's going through a painful divorce by going round with a bottle of wine and encouraging her to talk about how she feels for 4 hours straight. A man might help another man who's going through a painful divorce by going and playing a round of golf with him, and never speaking about the divorce in the whole 4 hours. It's just being there for someone in a very different way.

The bottom line is - men and women express themselves in very different ways.

Too many men and boys see women as not quite people.

Domestic appliances providing the services that keep their lives chugging on.

Valued for youth, looks, sexiness and breedability.

I see it and hear it over and over again.

@NotYourPeacekeeper yes my ex was definitely like this. The only compliment or opinion was only ever how lovely/beautiful I was/looked. I bought a lot to the relationship and found it a little depressing that this is the only thing he’d ever say. Yet I’m sure if I sad something to him like “you know what I really love about you is - you’re handsome”, and never anything else he wouldn’t have liked it.

I work next to a very male-dominated department - we have a lot of banter with them and regularly strike up conversations. Today, I asked each man there (each time I needed to interact with one of them) what he loved about his SO.

Every single one (of the 11 men) answered in household appliance terms.

To give them the best possible chance, I followed up with 'no, not what they DO for you, what you love ABOUT them, as a person'

After looking a bit baffled, each said they are beautiful, pretty or sexy or some variation of 'looks hot'.

*In the spirit of being factually correct, we did have an outlier. One of the guys from another team overheard the question and waxed lyrical about how awesome his husband is (and not in appliance or eyecandy terms) and it was sooooo sweet.

That says a lot about him!! You can definitely tell the difference between men who don’t totally even really like women for who they are but I don’t know that they’re either a majority or minority- I’ve definitely met a few. I think a huge difference is men who have friends who are women, hence the reason I think single sex schools are such a bad idea

I agree wholeheartedly. It’s ‘not every man is like that’ but if you did a nationwide survey I suspect the slant would be that men value what women do for them, women value the person their man is. Men ultimately just want a housekeeper who arranges their social life and provides sex on a frequent enough basis. They don’t really care about you making them laugh, or inspiring them, or how amazing it is you can speak 4 languages.

Single sex schools are brilliant, I went to one. I know very few men who have true female friends as adults; many don’t have ‘friends’ at all really as their wife or girlfriend tends to their emotional and conversational needs.

I think some people are embarrassed to wax lyrical about their feelings when asked. If I was asked by a friend, newspaper columnist, family member, etc., I wouldn’t gush over how amazing and wonderful my husband is. I’d probably say something flippant about him cleaning the cat litter. Doesn’t mean I only love him for his cleaning abilities though!!

Ticklyoctopus

Sorry I mean boys who have friends who are girls. I went to a single sex school and we could have done with having boys there!

It wasn't a man who sang "what have you done for me lately".... just saying.

Men who have genuine female friends are the greenest flag of all in my experience (both as friends and partners). Always baffled when women are suspicious of them

That's odd, I know very few men who don't have female friends. Most of my various social circles are mixed.

Maybe this is one of those love language things in some cases? Or maybe some men aren't good at quantifying why they love their wives; or possibly they think it's unmanly to speak in purely romantic terms (as they might see it)?

Undoubtedly there are a lot of men out there who only love their wives because of what they do for them; just as there are a lot of women who maybe wouldn’t love their husbands quite as much if they didn't bring as much to the table in practical or financial terms.

If Ronaldo is the default model for all married men, does that make his wife the default model for all married women? Does she 'prove' that 'all women only love men for their money and/or fame'? Of course not.

Totally agree that often they don't see women as whole people. It's not even a new concept, it's an established pattern through many cultures and societies. Women didn't and don't have any needs or dreams or desires beyond the domestic and therefore society at large didn't facilitate them and the very idea was often actively obstructed.

Is this the same Cristiano Ronaldo whose Mum Dolores still lives with him?

I'm a man who has been with his now wife for twelve years, married for ten with two DCs. There's quite a big age gap between us.

The first time I saw her I was awestruck by her beauty - it was an instant physical attraction. Later that day when we were introduced I couldn't believe my luck that we'd be working together in a voluntary situation and that she was single.

Since then I have come to admire not only that we have a similar set of values (one of the reasons we ended up meeting) but that she actually lives those values out in her daily life. I admire her for her insight, for the intellectual stimulation and challenge she brings to my life, for her humour, her loyalty, and for the idea that differences between us can be accommodated and even encouraged within the context of our shared life. She has never tried to change me. The fact that she 'got' me (and my sense of humour) when I had been single for decades and apparently hopelessly removed from what women are looking for was just the icing on the cake.

She doesn't cook, never has. We used to share the cleaning 50/50 when we first moved in together but I do it all now as the SAHP. She lost interest in sex years ago. I do all the life admin in our family. She carries an equal share of the load with the DC when she's able to, but she also works long hours in a demanding job so most of the mundane routine is my responsibility.

Honestly, I'd find it a bit insulting to have my feelings for her framed in terms of her utility.

I think this post highlights exactly how men often don't view women as friends (and the term 'friendzone') because they don't really view women as full people.

If they haven't slept with them or tried to at any point, yes. Sadly from mine and my friend's (female) experiences men always do end up trying it on, at some point. Friend's husbands are as close as we will get to longer term male friends I suspect. Or family members but not sure they count.

My DH and I chose one another for our charming personalities, and boy are there days we both regret not having hitched our wagon to someone a bit more useful 🤣

Same.