I can't parent anymore

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I'm done with parenting. I can't do it anymore. I know everyone will pile on and tell me what a shit mum I am and you would all be right. That's why I can't do it anymore.
Parenting a child with autism is so hard. I've spent the last 20 minutes in the shower washing and combing shit out of his hair. His bed and floor are covered because no matter what we try he will not use use the toilet (doesn't understand) or keep his nappy on.at night.
My husband cooked last night and the kitchen is now a pissing disaster area. Don't know how he fucking manages it. I've had no sleep thanks to my husband snoring.
Yet somehow I have to take my son to school, clean his room, do the shopping, wash up I can't take it anymore.
If I'd known how bad being a SAHM would be I would never have agreed to it. I loved it when my DDs were little but they didn't smear shit everywhere or have four meltdowns before 9.
I honestly feel like dropping him at school and running away. Never coming home. I do actually love my kids and husband but I think they'd be better off if I just wanted away.

Is he in mainstream school?

I'm so sorry you're feeling so wrecked. As a parent of SEN children who aren't as 'severe' (I don't like to use that word but can't think of a better one), you're absolutely not a shit mum. You're only one person who also needs sleep, care and support. SEN parenting is never ending, all the usual stuff is 100 times harder plus the fighting for support and advocating for your child.

Please talk to school about how much you're struggling and see where they can signpost you for support or respite etc.

I know there's so little out there but you never know. Please know the system is broken, it's not you.

Youre not a bad mum. Youre an exhausted one. It must be so hard. Sending unmumsnetterly hugs 🌺

Why cant your husband clean up? Well done on not smothering him to death with his pillow.

Your not a shit mum, your exhausted. Parenting a autistic kid is a whole new level of parenting. Mine used to pooh smear i remember those days. Got to the point where I literally had a break down & pulled everything out including the carpet and jet washed all the furniture in the garden. (It was summer though so dried quickly.)
just know your not alone, fuck the tidying up. take him to school, clean the room and take the rest of the day to yourself you bloody deserve it.

I just wanted to reach out as a mum in the same position. I'm not hear to say your a shit mum it's a really hard job being a sen mum. I have two boys both autistic my youngest is very similar sounding to yours. I would love to offer support from one mum to another.
I know it can get really tough the meltdowns aren't even the hardest part but just remember it's just a way of trying to communicate how they are feeling. My boy is non verbal so he can't speak to tell me but when he's lashing out scratching and hurting me or himself I have to stay calm and tell him it's ok to be sad or cross and take his hands and squeeze them and hug him and he starts to calm.
My boy doesn't smear but he does however take his pants down and wee where ever he is so my carpets stink of wee and I'm forever scrubbing them.
Again stay calm and if you can see him trying just run him to the toilet quick I know this is hard and it will be constantly back and forth to the loo but he will get it eventually.
Speak to your husband is there any more he can do to support you at home.
Where are you based ? We have the early help team you could call from my own experience of ringing them though as I was desperate as all the lashing out was really hurting me and my arms are all scarred they basically said there's no support they could offer as we go above and beyond as parents which is a disgrace as I was desperate for help !! May be better where you are though.
Is he in school ? My son is nearly 7 and has only just got a school place but withing a few weeks we are seeing a difference in behaviour.
Just a thought on the smearing is he sensory seeking ? Could you give him a messy play tray with other things in like foam slime etc he could smear instead he could just want the feeling of doing it
I don't know if anything I've said will help but I want you to know your not alone it's a really tough job but your doing the best you can and it's ok to have a wobble your only human xxx

Gosh of course you're not a shit Mum! I'd say you feeling this way is totally normal in the circumstances you describe, it really does sound relentless and incredibly tough.

I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice, I just want you to be kind to yourself.

The only practical advice I can give is to try putting him in a onesie with the zip at the back (effectively put it in back to front), which will stop him getting at his nappy to smear, and instead give him access to slime or play dough for the sensory seeking part. That helped a friend of mine with similar issues with her child.

Also if your partner is cooking, he cleans up after himself, you don’t need any more work creation.

It all sounds very hard, I’m not surprised you feel done with it all.

Thank you for being so kind. So we have tried zipper at the back and zipper at the back with safety pins and unbelievably he still gets out of it.
He's in a mainstream school although he's in a small group but we are going through the appeal process to get him to a special school. He loves school but he doesn't do any actual learning or even engage with the other children. He's non verbal, currently going through SALT so that's another barrier.
I cried today at school (so embarrassed) but it's just got too much. There were really kind but no real support they can offer. I'm sitting in the car at the moment just thinking.
How do I keep going ? Why do I? I can't see things getting any better and that kind of crushes me. I'm so desperate for a proper break.

The lack of support just makes me so cross

How much help is your husband being? Because from what you’ve written here it sounds like he needs to up his game. Is he doing his share? Why didn’t he tidy up his own kitchen?
You are an incredible mother in an impossibly difficult position.
I presume you’ve tried all the anti smearing clothing options that are around?? Have you any idea how he’s getting the clothes off??

He's bloody determined and stubborn. If he wants to do something he will even if it involves ripping the seams of his clothes.
DH does help but he is working full-time which means most of the work day to day is down to me. I don't ask him to do a lot because it always ends with me getting upset and him saying he works long hours and is tired too.

My niece has been having the same issue with her DS. As another poster mentioned the reward for using the toilet/getting nappy changed etc is sensory play. She puts dry oats or slime down for him. My DD16 has AUDHD whilst she didn’t do the smearing it has been challenging at times, especially meltdowns. Your DH is being an ass, he needs to do more, tidy up etc

You are doing a incredible job, I cry in school a lot ( single parent 4 with autism 3 of them are also adhd and other issues) its bloody hard, 2 of mine were poo smearers and it was horrendous, one stopped doing it the other still does it and it's bloody hard. I replaced all flooring with lino, bought a steam mop with a huge supply of pads, encased mattresses inside of full covers, removed most stuff that was not washable, my way of thinking was he's not going to stop it so find a way to contain it/ clean it as easy as possible. Give yourself a break you are doing a fantastic job. Is there any support services open to you? I have a lovely support worker who comes in weekly even if it's just a listening ear whilst I sit and cry. Your doing amazing xx

@Stressedoutmummyof3 keep going. My son wasnt out of nappies till 6, he didnt say a single word till he was seven, he shit smeared till he was 8.
Hes 14 now, in a special school, he has friends, he has a boyfriend, he talks for england, and is sitting two GCSEs of combined science & maths along with learning a trade of plastering & bricklaying.
I was told he would never do these things but my god, he did. I promise you things get better.
Tell your DH to stop being a useless fucker, great that he cooks but its not bloody hard to clean up afterwards.

I was in the same situation with my husband working long hours and I was at home with both the boys neither sleep so I was functioning on 2 hours sleep a night 2 non verbal boys neither of them in school as there were non places no support and everything in-between.
We decided together that for our family to get through and help each other my husband left work and we do it together.
I know this isn't an option for most families but we had to decide to cut back and do what was best for us at the time.
He has since gone back to work part time.
It's really really tough and you need some support for your own sanity. Have you got any local support groups near you x

You are a very good mother who is exhausted.
What you deal with day in day out is not the standard SAHM scenario.

I understand that your husband is tired from a long day at work, but he would probably find doing your duties much harder. He really should be trying to give you more of a break before/after his work. Our DC's needs are complex, but milder than your DC by your description, and I was truly exhausted for years. We had no family support nearby and tbh had not found out what was at root of the behavioural intensity and his lack of sleep until he was 7. My DH (who worked long hours) cared for DC for two hours before work - 0530 to 0730 - so that I could try to get some sleep. He was not home usually until 19:30, but would take over with DC as soon as he got in. He also helped during the night since DC was a terrible sleeper, and I needed to have slept enough to be safe to care for DC during the day on my own (12 hour stretch). Not everybody is like this, or has the stamina to do that, but it is ok to expect your DH to share the burden when he is at home. My DH used to look very young for his years before we had DC - not anymore though, he aged 10 years in a matter of months! What you are doing is very hard, relentless and thankless. It is also priceless. To carry on doing it you need support from somewhere, so see if your DH can step up a bit more, or seek solutions together to get outside help. If he can't be more hands on, he at least should help to put a solution in place.

Can your DH take a week's annual leave and take over from you so that you can go away for a break? I know that this is very hard to organise when you are drowning already, but a week's sleep and rest and a bit of time to think of other strategies while not being constantly overwhelmed might help longer term.

Does your NHS Trust have a Sensory OT? If yes, try to get an urgent referral. They should be able to help with sensory strategies regarding smearing. If not, are you able to afford this privately?

Hang on in there @Stressedoutmummyof3 , you are a human expected to do a super-human job.

You’re an amazing Mum in a horrendously difficult position. Can you contact social services or Autism UK to ask for help or support?

You’re a great mum. It’s just really really bloody hard.

Not only are you not a shit mom, you are a superb one. You should be really proud of how you are conducting yourself in such a tough and challenging situation. Your family is incredibly lucky to be with you. Don't you ever dare to think otherwise.
Sending you lots of strength!

Go to the GP yourself and say you’re are breaking point. You aren’t a bad mum.

Is there any medication the doctor would prescribe to ensure he sleeps through the night and mute his moods?

What is he like during school holidays - same better or worse?

If he isn’t communicating, isn’t learning or engaging, is smearing himself in faeces and ripping off his clothes, then his quality of life isn’t very high. “Even” an autistic person needs the basics of sleep and hygiene - it must be awful for him to have these meltdowns. Surely medication would be appropriate in this situation because at some level he must be experiencing very deep distress to behave this way. I expect he’s exhausted and overwhelmed and needs a break, even if the medication is only for a short period of time.

And destroying YOU just means that the person who loves him most and has most incentive to care for him gently round the clock is unable to be effective. You need sleep and for that, he needs to sleep and not make a mess.

Ahhh what a nightmare, but as a mum of 2 autistic kids, its hard, but they need us. They literally cant cope in the world, Its such a shame! They need us to love them and care for them and protect them as they are vulnerable disabled people, but they are our people.

sleep in a different room from dh, I do, He sleeps on sofabed in living room.

Make easy food for a while until you are out of burnout, soups and sandwiches, fast stuff.

I can understand, I cry a lot, sometimes its daily then I am ok and I have to home ed them, so they are always here, But they are my life and my purpose is to get them through the days best I can.

My 12 year old had a massive meltdown last night in middle of tk maxx, I had to hold her as I knew she had frozen on the spot and started hitting herself. I ended up getting hurt a bit but my mama heart just needed to help in some way. She never used to be this bad while out, pretty sure she has that pmdd shit! poor child.

You need some self care time, take it! Good food, sleep! some time alone out of the house too. Go to a cafe or library or something. Can you book a hotel night, I do that sometimes too.

also this!

I was a carer in a special boarding (M-F) school. So many mums said that they'd cried at (mainstream) school numerous times before out of exhaustion and frustration, and that now they still occasionally cried at our school, but now only from relief.

I think you're very mistaken to imagine your family would be better off without you. It's understable that you feel utterly drained. I've been a full time carer for adults, and I've been a part-time paid carer for children who sound like your child, but I can only begin to imagine how on earth you cope with full time care for a child with such profound SEN.

In our area there's a volunteer network who provide some limited help - an extra pair of hands for a few hours a week. Social services might know if there's similar where you live. Even small, inadequate help is better than nothing, while you wait for bugger help. And your husband needs to understand that preparing a meal is only helpful if he clears up properly.

Very much hoping you get a more suitable school place soon 🙏

Bless you, you are a hero.
but you urgently need some support - whatever you can get from family/ friends/ a cleaner/ get ready meals in. Just to tide you over for at least a few days or weeks until you start to feel better. Once you are slightly better rested you can start to work out what your longer term strategy is

With the dh, lower your expectations, that was causing me a lot of stress too. Pretty sure my dh is also autistic and that is where the kids get it from according to his mum and dad, who also appear to be neurodiverse and are no help or have any interest in us. Obviously I didn't know any of this when I married him years back. No idea what was coming down the road for us...

Now I live my own little side life when he has the kids after work before bed and days off I get a couple hours to myself, I have to take it to keep myself ok. I watch stuff that motivates me and I try and eat healthy (not always easy with stress eating being a thing) Self care is so important to keep going. What do you like to do just for you?