To not know a lot about DH’s past relationships (and to not want to)

[Timetravellerbroth]

Before I met my DH, he was with someone for 10 years (they broke up a year before we met). He’s almost 50 so before that he also had a fair few relationships.

When we were first dating we talked a bit about our past relationships and particularly why the longer relationships didn’t last, but I don’t really know a lot about his relationships, including about life with the person he was with for 10 years, except why it ended.

I caught up with a friend of mine recently who was asking me some questions about his last relationship and was surprised that I didn’t know much about that time of his life. I know the highlights - where they lived, why they didn’t marry, what went wrong.

But AIBU to not really want to know too much much more about it? It’s not relevant to our relationship. Their break-up was fairly uninteresting and I can’t think of any good reason to want to hear about the happy times.

My friend was saying it wouldn’t bother her at all to hear this stuff from her DH (which is funny as they’ve been together since school!), but it’s really not for me. I don’t fancy picturing him happily coupled up with someone else.

More power to anyone who wouldn’t mind hearing this, incidentally, but I’ll give it a miss!

I’m the opposite I wanted to know everything as I have bad jealousy and self confidence issues. Luckily for me MIL can’t keep her mouth shut about anything so I found out via her then did some fb stalking to reassure myself they weren’t prettier than me

Well, if your friend has been with her partner since school, then she’s thinking of her partner’s previous relationships as kissing someone from his Geography class behind the bike shed, rather than a ten-year relationship.

DH and I have also been together since our student days, but I think if we hadn’t I’d have been interested in his previous relationships for what they told me about him.

We are just all different. I like to know as much as possible because it allows me a window into understanding my dh more. For some it's history and has no bearing on the here and now.

I feel the same. It's none of my business. They didn't work out. I'm not interested. I can't imagine wanting to know details or what these women looked like.

I think not knowing more than the general outline is probably more common than knowing loads, unless you still live in the same small community you grew up in and everyone knows everyone else and their business. I know a reasonable bit about a couple of DH’s previous relationships, because I’m good friends with a couple of his exes and have found out as and when it’s come up in general conversation about their own lives that way. I like knowing what I do know, in the sense that having had really good relationships with great women previously, and that they still like and speak well of him, reinforces that he’s a good egg and has always managed relationships, including break ups, really well.

I dont know my husbands, he doesn't know mine there is no need it nothing to do with each other, it really doesn't bother me

My DH only really had one relationship before me, couple more casual things but one actual relationship. I know how long it lasted, I know she cheated a lot on him, I know he didn’t want to believe she was cheating at all even when warned but eventually caught her.

I believe she’s still with the main man she was cheating on him with, married and had kids. I know DH intentionally slept with her after she’d married him as well (they got married fairly quickly). He snuck into her house late at night when her DH was working. He said it was really grim, he felt too guilty and left. He wanted to get revenge at the time, he was very young and foolish.

That’s all I want/need to know. Anything else is pointless. He doesn’t know much about mine, I don’t like talking about it really and don’t think it’s necessary. I only know his because he offered up the info.

I’m the same! No idea of name or face and no desire to. I know a bit just because he’s told me, and it was nothing major, they just weren’t compatible and grew apart.

I know nothing about DH's past relationships and have no desire to. He knows a bit more about mine as he knew my ex, but it doesn't seem to bother him.

Well if your relationship with your H is based solely on what you look like then life must be a constant hell for you.

You must be worrying every day incase he sees someone " prettier" than you.

Surely he married you because of who you are as a person and being physically attracted to you is only a part of that?

I don't understand how knowing about his past relationships would cause you anything but grief because regardless of what you think of their looks imagining them having sex together must be very painful.

🙄

The only major things I really know about my DP's previous long-term relationship are that he moved to a different part of the country with her and that the relationship ended when she left him for a man she'd been having an affair with. I also know that she had completely different taste in music to him and that she was an extremely fussy eater. Oh, and I know about two holidays they had. Other than that... I don't think I really know anything.

It's not that I have any feelings about hearing about their happy times; I'm not at all bothered by that. I just haven't really asked questions. DP hasn't really asked me about my exes either; he knows how my previous long-term relationship ended (ex was a violent alcoholic) but I don't think we've ever really discussed anything else about it.

I'm sure it would be different if either of us had kids with our exes, because then obviously the exes would still be a presence one way or another, but I don't feel like we need to be chatting about people we were with years ago who aren't in our lives and who we'll never see again.

My sister, by the way, thinks I am weird. She and her partner have spent hours analysing each other's past relationships and the emotional impacts they've had etc. But I find that sort of thing very dull and overly angsty.

Yes I worry every day. It’s agonising. I tried to access MH support from the gp but it didn’t go to plan so I couldn’t get any help. I was emotionally abused as a child and it has caused huge damage. A requirement of therapy was so intrusive that I couldn’t continue as felt so uncomfortable

I just wanted to say I admire your brave honesty on this thread. MN is a snake pit sometimes and I think people are reluctant to be so vulnerable. Thank you for being so open. I hope things ease up for you.

I know very very little about my DH's exes.

I don't know how many people he slept with.

We were fairly young when we got together, in our 20s, so there wasn't some decades long a romantic history to unpack

I've known bits of partners' previous relationships. It's useful to know something as the way a person talks about their ex is an indicator of how they'll talk about you if you ever split up. Any hint of "crazy ex" rubbish and general badmouthing is a major red flag.

We got together in our thirties. I had very little interest in my DH's previous relationships.

I wonder what kind of details your friend expected you to know?

how did they spend holidays? How they were paying for things? How often did they have sex?
I’m a pretty noisy person but even for me your info looks pretty sufficient.

I mean sometimes you do ask question but if it’s : We live in London and I really struggled to get a job, missed Lake District and hated London style of life. Whereas my ex loved it and was mostly focused on her career.
what else would you need to know in this case?
I would rather focus on understanding person’s qualities rather than on details of his past relationship.
However if it’s: I divorced 4 years ago and move to London whereas my 3 under 10 y.o. stayed full time with their mum in Newcastle.
In this case I would have a lot of questions!

Im not expert by the way as DH and I got together at uni so I just look at it from common sense perspective.

Thankyou for being so kind. It’s really hard and I try to be honest about it as I do want to change it’s just the logistics of trying to do so haven’t worked out. I felt like I needed to give a different perspective.

I don't know much. I am ok with that. I would be equally happy knowing all the details but let DH make the call. I don't think he wanted to know about all the gory details of mine and therefore I didn't pry. It makes no odds. We have been together a quarter of a century now!

I think just knowing the condensed highlights is probably most people's default, unless 1) the ex(es) is/are in your social circle so you'll end up knowing a bit more regardless, or 2) the ex(es) is/are still in your partner's life for reasons of eg coparenting.

If those things aren't the case then I think quizzing your partner on the gory details would be weird, and from the other side telling your partner about the gory details unprompted would also be weird. I think any man who either interrogated me about my past relationships, or told me the ins and outs of his without being asked, would be on a fast track to being dumped.

I know about dh's past relationships in the sense that I know their names and a bit about what they were like. They occasionally come up in conversation in the same casual way that any other stuff from the past comes up. I'm not the jealous type at all and I neither felt the need to dig, nor feel bothered by anything I do know.

It’s helpful to know basic details so you can judge how they refer to their exes. If they’re all crazy that’s a massive red flag.
But that part of their life is over and as long as your relationship is healthy they deserve their privacy. Let’s then tell you as much it as little as they want and don’t scrutinise. You’ll look like you have trust issues if you want to know every detail of their past. It’s not as if they can change anything about it.

I don't think age is relevant within reason to how many relationships they've had my dh is now 41 nearly 42 and he was is 2 relationships before we met that's it
I've been with him 11 years now one of his relationships was very short maybe 5 months max the other he was married to and she cheated on him we've never discussed each other's previous sex life because it's irrelevant to be fair

I’ve made it a lifelong rule to not discuss prior relationships and generally have no interest in any of my SO’s prior relationships. It baffles me that people do.

(i don’t get involved with men who have children; obviously those who do would want information about the situation with the mother of the children, because there still is a connection.)