How to come to terms with being poor(er)

[Somewhereonlywego]

Due to a range of events, we're in a difficult financial situation now. Not in poverty by any means, we have a roof over our heads and food on the table, but two young kids and no idea how we're going to afford all the nice little extras as they get older, let alone holidays.

We both used to be in high paid jobs so never had to worry about that, but a few bad decisions and health issues make this seem unlikely to be the case again.

I have so much to be thankful for, but I need to learn to adjust my expectations and attitude.

The worst part is feeling like I've let my kids down.

If your kids are fed,clothed and warm you haven’t let them down.

There are loads of free or very low cost day out options that can still feel special but with a packed lunch instead of eating out.

Set a budget for things and try and save up for treats.

You haven't let them or anyone else down.

They will learn more from their parents being resourceful to find joy in life rather than having everything handed to them on a plate.

Many years ago because of my OH's ill health and inability to continue his full time job we had to downsize - it has enormous impact on all our lives but my children, who are now adult, absolutely understood what was going on and made the best of what we did have.

I was very comfortably off when I was married. Two higher earners. We had several hols a year, new cars, big house. Our DC lacked for nothing. Then we divorced and my standard of living plummeted. It was good for DC. They had become quite spoiled and being forced to go without at times was good for them. Yeah, it was hard. But I appreciate what I have now more.

Learn from those at a similar level. Socialise with those at a similar level. Look at those who have less than you. (It helps)

Try stepping one level down products at the supermarket. Not all the steps will be acceptable. (Some value stuff if better (to me) than the ordinary. Or the same, some is grim. Some value stuff is ok in say Asda but not in Tesco and vice versa)

Look for free stuff to do. You can make Christmas special with free/cheap traditions.

Plus it is a reminder for people to save. Not spend to the top of their budget . As a society we are not taught this anymore. We should be.

Look on this as an opportunity to teach your children some valuable Life skills that could help them tremendously in their lives.

Budgeting, meal planning, thrifty shopping, repairing, appreciation of freebies (country walks, bucket & spade day trips), cooking etc etc

Stay cheerful (at least in front of them) and keep in mind the things you have, not stuff you no longer have or can do. Giving your children a Positive Mental Attitude is a fantastic gift and could make such a difference to their lives.

Luckily I've always been a good saver. And we've never been minted (no private school, expensive holidays etc) but always comfortable - didn't have to worry about budgeting for the food shop or replacing a broken appliance for instance.

I'm not so much worried about my kids at this age, more as they become expensive teens and adults.

Make your home life as calm, organised and happy as you can Somewhereonlywego , worry and guilt about not providing expensive treats and holidays that no one needs is precious time wasted. Kids thrive in a happy home with lots of love and there are plenty of free activities to share.
A positive attitude will carry you through

Being loving and supportive parents is the best thing you can possibly do for your DC. (As long as you're not actively worrying about putting food on the table, in which case the worries do become all-consuming). So don't feel you've let them down. You haven't.

Decide on the areas you can really economise and the areas you need to splash out more. I always made sure we had good quality food because that was important to me (and the trade-off was secondhand clothes). Holidays are tricky but one thing I did a few times was a house swap, which is pretty much free. Weekends can be country walks and board games.

Your children will remember the time you spend together and the interest you show in their lives. And I truly believe that if you have fewer luxuries then kids appreciate them more when they do come their way.

As a child of a similar situation, but with dysfunctional parents…looking back the money wasn’t important - what would have really made a difference to my childhood was parents who got on and loved each other. If you have a roof and food then nothing else matters.
whether your teen has the latest phone etc does not impact their wellbeing or overall enjoyment of their life

Teenagers are very very expensive, it’s good you have that foresight. How far off being teens are they? Paper rounds, babysitting, can gran or relatives give a small amount of pocket money in exchange for ‘jobs’? Teens are constantly on the hunt for cash!! But, depending on what age yours are now. they might not remember the times when you ‘had more’? It is hard, but primark etc do ok decent plain clothes that teens will wear. I limit any branded stuff to Xmas. Everyone is feeling it op, the CoL is tough regardless of any extenuating factors x

Just watch a few videos on YouTube about life in third world countries or nations devastated by an ongoing war. That'll do.

This is an excellent approach.

My kids are so excited and delighted to eat out now as we only do it maybe twice a year as a whole family. Equally, my youngest two stayed in a hotel room for the first time ever this summer (a mediocre hotel, nothing luxurious) and it was the equivalent of me taking them to Disney Land! They really appreciate these treats now. Their peers find similar things boring as they take them for granted!

Kids are fine. They're young, they know no different.

I guess it's more all the plans we had for future - overpaying mortgage, being able to help kids with big tickets items like university, etc. Obviously things could improve again, but I made a few bad career choices and don't think I'll get back to the position I was in. And DH health means he'll never have a senior corporate role again.

Also I feel like my self worth has always been very tied up in being successful in my career. Struggling to reframe that thinking.

they have a roof over their heads, clothed and fed. Thats more than some children. Sorry but you need to understand people have been living like this for decades, they havent let their children down. Your being rather insulting saying that. YABU.

Kids learn to live with it, mine did.

I did grow up in poverty and my older sisters now in their seventies experienced real hunger. Circumstances had improved by the time I was born. Our Mother to this day is still the most engaging fun person I have ever met.

We have been lucky and not had any financial issues and our DS is now an adult. He said he loved his childhood, we used to play pet rescue and look for creatures to save, we revived a bee once, it is one of his happiest memories. Plus just looking for rabbits in local fields after school. We used to have Halloween parties, just hotdogs and games and me telling scary stories to him and his friends, he loved those. He still likes that time as do I and he came round and brought his GF for hot dogs this year and I wrote a Halloween quiz.

He loves the fact I taught him to climb trees, I was a great tree climber, climbed my last in my forties. Also the fact I would play on a games console. When his friends found out I gamed, well he had the best Mum in the whole school and got massive kudos for that. I actually beat him and two of his friends when we all gamed together once and became legend :)

Just love them, heart and soul qnd give them as many life skills as possible. I taught him to knit when he was 6 and his little face when he took a square to his teacher as a gift was priceless.

I think any kind of "life downgrade" for want of a better term is always hard to process regardless of where you started. I'd try to hold on to the fact that your children don't know any different and focus on giving them a stable upbringing.

Growing up we visibly had less than other families and it genuinely didn't bother me. I think a stable home and love is the most important thing for children.

I have to save up for special treats, like holidays. I think that's pretty normal!

We're currently saving up for a 2-week cruise in 2027. We wanted to do it in 2026, but have come to the conclusion that financially it'll be just a bit too tight.

As long as your children are fed, clothed, and adequately housed, you're doing fine.

When going through similar when changing career my DW and I made it a game. How can we make it work. We were in it together and oddly made it more engaging/driven.

I think it's worth remembering that millions of children dont "downgrade" but are born into, and spend their whole childhood (including teenage years) in low income homes.

Having grown up rurally, my advice would be to take a good look at your situation and where you live and prioritise independence and access to public transport for your kids, if you can.

Growing up with money being tight is 100 times more shit if you also live somewhere where you can't get around and have no access to paid work for teens.

As your kids grow, make sure you're on good terms with your neighbours so they get first dibs on any paid work going like tutoring or babysitting. Push them to find part-time jobs when they're old enough so they get used to earning their own spending money and increase their confidence.

Teens can be very expensive. Mine got branded stuff as Christmas presents. Relatives also gave these. Phones also for birthday or Christmas. They will adapt better than you if they are young now. You will be the one who.will remember when you could afford weekly takeaway and multiple holidays.

Christmas stockings: mine got more and more practical stuff in as the got older (one gets dove soap instead of the supermarket stuff we use) they get new toothbrushes and toothpaste and stationery for school etc as well as a game or make up or new football socks.