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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to entertain irritating FIL

44 replies

Ladybuglamp · 10/11/2025 15:07

FIL wants to come and stay with us for a “long weekend” soon. We are currently in the trenches of 2 under 2 and struggling. I am desperate for a break, but breastfeeding, so basically just a woman on the edge right now… (but that’s all a story for another day!)

Whenever we see him he shows very little interest in the children. I think he has only held the baby once for a photo and will usually just say an awkward “hello” to toddler. He makes no effort to talk or play with them. He is more interested in doing manly activities with DH.

He is also quite hard work as a guest. Constantly wanting food and drinks, leaving hot drinks lying around in reach of toddler, accidentally smashing glasses or breaking things, has a very loud voice / slams doors which ruins nap times. He means well but is a very irritating and clumsy man.

I have just found out he wants to lengthen the weekend to stay during the week when DH is at work, and I will be at home trying to stay sane with the kids. DH has a fairly long commute and doesn’t return home until late.

I fear that having to entertain him, as well as my baby and toddler will send me over the edge. I also don’t particularly want to have to cover up my tits whilst I’m feeding all day

AIBU to put my foot down and tell DH that FIL can only come for the weekend. How can I word this in a way that isn’t “he is a very irritating man and makes me want to scream into a cushion every time he comes to stay”????.

OP posts:
Bimblebombles · 10/11/2025 15:08

Book him an Airbnb - no way you should have to entertain him for a week while you're husband is working!! Or you go and stay with your own family for that week?

LlynTegid · 10/11/2025 15:09

Breaking things is fact, being loud and waking your DC is fact. So you can talk to your DH on the basis of facts not feelings if you wish.

Whatisthisperihell · 10/11/2025 15:11

Can you go stay with you parents when he's there so you can get some actual help and support and leave him to your dh to deal with?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/11/2025 15:13

I’d go the ‘there’s no point’ route first. If DH is up early and out and back late, what’s the point?

But I think you have to bite the bullet and explain to DH what’s it’s like having to parent 2 under 2 while hosting someone who don’t help or hold kids. It’s just doing the same thing, but worse.

Can DH take annual leave?

Nocookiesforme · 10/11/2025 15:14

“he is a very irritating man and makes me want to scream into a cushion every time he comes to stay”
Why can't you say that?
Do you have a DH issue that means that he isn't listening or having your back on this. If your DH is trying to facilitate this then you need to be very plain in your speaking. Perhaps you could suggest that your DH should take his father to work with him all week if he's insistent that you have Fil to stay a week and entertain him himself?

MattCauthon · 10/11/2025 15:18

Um, this is a basic NO. I get on well with my PIL and DH gets on well with my parents. But neither of us would expect the other one to be at home entertaining the other's parents for more than a few hours at a time. Certainly not days on end. And, that's considering that broadly speaking, they are all quite easy guests.

I think you tell DH that if his dad wants to come, he needs to take time off. You also need to make it clear what your concerns are - adding work to your already overloaded shoulders, disturbing your current routine and schedule in a way that tnegatively impacts you and the children, and not being considerate enough of the safety issues that come with having small children in the house. If your DH is not willing or able to address these perfectly legitimate concerns to your satisfaction, then no, your FIL cannot come to stay when you will be responsible for hosting him.

ImaginaryAilments · 10/11/2025 15:21

What @MrsTerryPratchett said. Though surely you just say to your DH ‘I can deal with your dad for the weekend, but no more!’ I wouldn’t feel the need to pussyfoot around it either DH if it was his parents, nor vice versa.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 10/11/2025 15:22

Your husband needs to take time off work if his dad is staying longer, how he even remotely thinks it is acceptable is beyond me. As someone up thread says, what's the point if he isn't going to help with the children and your husband is going to be out all day.

MeridianB · 10/11/2025 15:23

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/11/2025 15:13

I’d go the ‘there’s no point’ route first. If DH is up early and out and back late, what’s the point?

But I think you have to bite the bullet and explain to DH what’s it’s like having to parent 2 under 2 while hosting someone who don’t help or hold kids. It’s just doing the same thing, but worse.

Can DH take annual leave?

Agree with this - what is the point?

But don’t think your DH should take annual leave - that’s too precious.

Halfwaytheree · 10/11/2025 15:56

This whole proposition sounds bizarre, you’re supposed to wait on him like a handmaid? It sounds like he’s purposely coming over when you’ll be alone & vulnerable, he’s probably going to push boundaries and be worse than before

lizzyBennet08 · 10/11/2025 16:00

Tell your dh that of course he ha welcome as long as he takes time off to entertain him.

Sycamoretrees · 10/11/2025 16:01

Has he said why he wants to stay longer? Surely he knows DH will be at work.

TheatricalLife · 10/11/2025 16:06

I'd suggest DH takes him on a "manly" weekend away. They can stay in a hotel or b&b.
I wouldn't put up with a week. I'd say diplomatically that you like his dad, but you won't have time to entertain him with two small children and you just can't manage it at this stage.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/11/2025 16:11

TheatricalLife · 10/11/2025 16:06

I'd suggest DH takes him on a "manly" weekend away. They can stay in a hotel or b&b.
I wouldn't put up with a week. I'd say diplomatically that you like his dad, but you won't have time to entertain him with two small children and you just can't manage it at this stage.

This.

And that under no circumstances is he to stay for a few extra days unless your husband is also taking the time off and will take the toddler out to give you a break.

Redwaterr · 10/11/2025 16:13

YANBU, weekend only, or get a hotel. It's not the right time, you've got a baby and a toddler. Do what you need to do to survive and if that means reducing social visits for a while, so be it.

Sparkletastic · 10/11/2025 16:18

It would be a flat no from me

whatisheupto · 10/11/2025 16:39

No no no no nooooooo, just NO!

Therealjudgejudy · 10/11/2025 16:45

Hard no from me. What a ridiculous suggestion from him.

Original poster
Ladybuglamp · 10/11/2025 17:27

So glad the consensus is that it should be a NO

I think he is lonely and doesn’t want to be bored at home, but must just be completely clueless about the reality of the situation here.

Ideally, I would tell DH to go stay with him but I honestly just need DH at home helping me right now.

I feel like I’m constantly having to be the meanie setting boundaries and saying no to his families annoying demands to stay with us.

OP posts:
caramac04 · 10/11/2025 17:33

Bloody hell some people have no sensitivity whatsoever.
I wouldn’t dream of dumping myself on a mum with two tinies. IF I were INVITED then I’d be determined to entertain toddler, cook, do laundry and let mum get some sleep.
Part of the time I’d be happy to take toddler out to the park/ soft play if mum was comfortable with that.
OP you and your little ones come first, FiL should not be staying over especially for a week.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 10/11/2025 18:08

Your first responsibility is to Your own family.

Namechange822 · 10/11/2025 18:49

Also, it’s totally fine to have your boobs out and breastfeed in front of fil. If fil is uncomfortable then fil shouldn’t come for so long next time 😂

Shinyandnew1 · 10/11/2025 18:54

Presumably you've said all this to your husband.

What's his take on the situation?

MeetMyCat · 10/11/2025 19:14

I feel like I’m constantly having to be the meanie setting boundaries and saying no to his families annoying demands to stay with us.

OP, I don’t have children but find it very hard to entertain retired eccentrics (DH’s relatives) who think it’s fine to invite themselves to stay with us “for a break”. We both work FT and facilitating their “breaks” is exhausting. DH thinks we should always say yes “because they’re family” but all the extra domestic stuff defaults to me, not to mention having to be “on” all the time.

i’ve tried to put in boundaries by saying any stays have to be at the weekend and also have to be convenient for us, and I’m always made to feel really mean

HuskyNew · 10/11/2025 22:10

He needs to take annual leave and they both take the toddler out somewhere for the day.
leave you in peace with the baby