To not want to entertain irritating FIL

[Ladybuglamp]

FIL wants to come and stay with us for a “long weekend” soon. We are currently in the trenches of 2 under 2 and struggling. I am desperate for a break, but breastfeeding, so basically just a woman on the edge right now… (but that’s all a story for another day!)

Whenever we see him he shows very little interest in the children. I think he has only held the baby once for a photo and will usually just say an awkward “hello” to toddler. He makes no effort to talk or play with them. He is more interested in doing manly activities with DH.

He is also quite hard work as a guest. Constantly wanting food and drinks, leaving hot drinks lying around in reach of toddler, accidentally smashing glasses or breaking things, has a very loud voice / slams doors which ruins nap times. He means well but is a very irritating and clumsy man.

I have just found out he wants to lengthen the weekend to stay during the week when DH is at work, and I will be at home trying to stay sane with the kids. DH has a fairly long commute and doesn’t return home until late.

I fear that having to entertain him, as well as my baby and toddler will send me over the edge. I also don’t particularly want to have to cover up my tits whilst I’m feeding all day

AIBU to put my foot down and tell DH that FIL can only come for the weekend. How can I word this in a way that isn’t “he is a very irritating man and makes me want to scream into a cushion every time he comes to stay”????.

Why sugar coat how you feel yo your husband. Explain exactly what's going on, then he'll understand.
If he's not there, then nor is his dad.

I hope you don’t complain when you’re older and your children’s partners treat you with such contempt and distain. You won’t mind when they’re unwilling to inconvenience themselves even slightly so you can continue to have a relationship with the child you love, and grandchildren you’d like to build a relationship with, will you? After all, they’d only be treating you the same way you’re treating your poor FIL.

Well, don’t continually ask for food and drink, ignore your grandchildren, smash things, leave hot drinks where they can be knocked over by a baby, and roar and slam doors during nap time? It’s not that complicated.

No doubt he’d be a problem if he helped himself to anything in OP’s house, that’d be ‘overstepping boundaries’ or some such. Leaving drinks around and slamming doors isn’t done intentionally or maliciously; it’s easy to forget after so many years how careful one has to be with young children around, and your memory isn’t so good when you’re older. God help some of the posters here when they reach that age and expect any allowances to be made for them!

Sorry but plenty of grandparents help when they come and visit. My lovely late MIL being one of them. If a woman has two under two, you should know you shouldn't expect to be waited on. It's not rocket science.

What a way to pass misery down the generations.

I'd rather hope I have some wherewithal to make my own life good than to hope my children (and their partners) will be martyrs to my poor behaviour.

This. Old age doesn't give you a free pass to be a monumental dick. I wish my FIL would get this memo! He is loud, drinks too much, tries to fix things in the house and breaks them, plays loud music that none of us can stand, and is one of those people who always knows better than you do about everything. Didn't have him to stay for years because he was a smoker and none of us could bear the smell. But had no excuse once he gave up. Bah!

But I suppose according to some people on here, if someone is family, it's fine for them to invite themselves to stay, drink all your booze, hold court and pontificate and play your music so loud nobody can have a conversation. Oh and break things in your house because you think you can do things better than tradespeople!

Is there any good reason why you allow all the domestic stuff to default to you?

"is it this Wednesday your relatives come to stay darling? Don't forget to get the beds made up and clean towels out. BTW I think it would be a good idea for you to give the guest bathroom a once over before they get here and run the hoover over everywhere."

"What are your menu plans for while they stay? Will you be able to do the shop yourself or are you putting in an online order."

"Let me know what you decide to do to entertain them and I will see if I want to join in or leave you to it."

“of course he can stay DH, provided you take time off to look after him (and cook/make drinks and so on)” @Ladybuglamp

Either be direct about the impact to DH (perhaps ask him to reflect how much help he has been in the past).and/or put FIL off with some upbeat words about how you can plan some "fun days out together" while DH is at work. Monday is laundry day so it would be a big help for you to take kidd to the park in the morning and we can go out after the lunchtime nap. Tuesday we can go to the Zoo, Wednesday we can all go with DH to [office town] and make a day of it. Thursday DH finishes early so you can cook tea together.

Basically dress it up as a "fun time" and tell him you're excited to have an extra pair of hands during the day to help with the kids and that you might actually get a few hot cups of tea woth his help.

He should climb down.

If he does push for it, I bet dh will be sick of playing host all evening after work for a full week.

Except I’ve already stated that he has no interest in his grandchildren..
And I think we’ve established that he’s more than a “slight inconvenience” at a time when we’re drowning in the trenches of parenthood.

Id be absolutely mortified if I behave like him towards my daughters, if they decide to have children

It’s your DH’s father, and the children’s grandfather. Would you not rather set an example of kindness and tolerance instead?

‘Drowning in the trenches of parenthood’ is ridiculously overdramatic - it really is. You’re a parent like any other, dealing with the same things everyone else does. If you’re this exaggerated and melodramatic about life in general, no wonder you find these small things so intolerable. All such a fuss about nothing much.

@HedwigEliza

It’s your DH’s father, and the children’s grandfather. Would you not rather set an example of kindness and tolerance instead?

But as so often when people say 'be kind' you're only wanting it to be in one direction. How about the grandfather shows some kindness towards the family he's unilaterally imposing himself on? Thinks about how his behaviour impacts on the family?

You definitely seem to have some skin in this game. I'm not sure what it is.

This. #BeKind is really only designed to turn women into doormats. FIL isn’t getting told to #BeKind, is he? No, he gets to impose, expect drinks and food and people entertaining him while doing nothing to help.

I’d rather teach an example of good, healthy boundaries and assertiveness to my DC. Kindness and tolerance on one side is not what I want for my life or my child’s. Consideration, yes. Understanding, yes. Acting like a service bot for ungrateful men, no.

When the person being invited into their home isn’t kind and tolerant, the example set for the children isn’t one of kindness and tolerance. OP is describing a guest who is inconsiderate and demanding. That is what the kids are going learn from.

Please stop saying “in the trenches” it’s just so cringey!

BUT YANBU to say no to an extended stay.

OP I’ve been there and the best thing you can do is tell DH at a good time, that your at your limits right now and having him here in the week isn’t feasible and also will lead you to burnout or meltdown. The most important thing is your well-being and the family so jusf be honest. make it about you though. not all the annoying stuff that happens. talking from experience!

Who made you the thread police ? OP is entitled to describe her life as she sees fit .

And we’re entitled to respond as we see fit. Welcome to life.