If your husband lied to you, could you trust him again?

[catandgloves]

A couple of months ago my husband lied to me,
it wasn’t the lie itself that bothered me but that I always trusted his word.
At work they work in pairs and have a permanent partner who he always told me was an old man, but apparently it’s not an man as I discovered it is actually a young woman, when I asked why the lie he still lied and said he had never seen that woman before saying she only worked in the office but I know this woman is his partner because I’ve seen them out working.
Eventually he did accept that this woman was “John” and that he had lied.
I kind of get why he lied but there was no need to and to have lied for so long and fabricated a whole other person just because he didn’t want to say the truth.
I now wonder what else he lies about and why, he’s openly been paired with lots of woman at work but has never concealed their identity so why would he keep this one such a secret?
In the months since this lie I am not sure what’s true and what’s not anymore where before I believed everything he said.
His reasoning for the lie is that he hates this woman because she’s a brown nose goody two shoes and he just couldn’t bring himself to say her name. So went with John.

I haven’t been jealous, I’ve never thought I had anything to be jealous of, his last colleague was of retirement age and I met her, some of his other colleagues are just names but he includes them all.
He has never mentioned this woman in 6 years other than to deny knowing her.
Even now he accepts he works almost all his shifts paired with her apparently he doesn’t know her name.

I reckon this one is a bit more special than all the other women he had worked with and mentioned.
His lying is off the scale, how he can pretend he isn’t know her name after six years and/or that he doesn’t say it because he doesn’t like her is on another level.

This. This whole thing would really upset me and I wouldn’t be able to help thinking about it. Sorry op-this is really hard

Well, if you weren't jealous OP, and he was having an affair then he would have told you about her. It would make his life easier as he could mention her in conversation and be open about the fact that they spent a lot of time together.

It would make it easier for him to orchestrate meetings and explain away why they may have been seen together.

It's much easier to hide in plain sight.

Him lying about it doesn't make any sense in this particular situation.

So the focus goes back to you OP.

Why did he feel the need to lie to you when he had no reason to?

If he was having an affair he wouldn't have had to hide the fact that they work together, as that would have been the perfect cover.

In a way, OP, I don't think it really matters whether something untoward is going on with this woman or not. The fact is, he lied to you and you no longer trust him.

I'm not really sure how you can come back from that.

Chiseltip, you sound like a bloke who thinks he can read minds but is actually just a clot who likes a bit of victim-blaming.

Aren't you delightful

He's been lying to you effortlessly for six years?? Not sure what the dilemma is here tbh.

He couldn’t bring himself to speak her name because he hates her? Yeah right! Oh and what a surprise that she’s in her 20’s!
He’s spinning you a yarn @catandgloves
Are they paramedics or similar?

You didn’t answer the question about whether he works in the emergency services? I’m guessing he does and one particular service has form for many affairs with work partners. There are a handful of people I know who have remained faithful but the overwhelming number have had their marriages end due to affairs. This is relevant if he denied being paired up with her and much of her existence. There has to be a reason sadly.

So they’ve worked together since she was a teenager and he’s claiming not to know her name.

It’s not looking good bruv.

Is he a copper by any chance?

My dh lied in a very similar way. Let’s just say he no longer works there.

I hate being lied to but I have had to accept that everyone tell little lies of convenience from time to time, otherwise I'd have no friends or family on speaking terms, but that's a whopper and I'd wonder why on earth he felt he "needed" to lie.

Maybe you behave form for extreme jealousy? I suppose that would maybe explain it, but I still think a lie like that breaks a relationship.

Has he been creating a whole fictional character out of “John”? Like my DH and I talk about people we work with all the time and what they are up to etc. Has he been telling you stuff about “John” and his life on a regular basis? I mean 6 years!!!! I’m not sure I could get over that. His reason for the lie is complete bs - if he hated her that much surely he would want to vent about having to work with her and how much she was annoying him every day.

If he's been partnered with a female colleague for 6 years and hasn't bothered to learn her name, I'm not sure that makes him the kind of man you want to be married to either!

And is he prone to grudges that make him hate someone enough that he can't bare to say their name?

Or maybe OP dh didn’t put that much thought into it. Perhaps he thought it was cleverer to make up a whole new person 😂

No I'd not. My mum when still with my former stepdad had a friend called "Samantha" who she went on regular nights out/stopped out til next day with, turned out it was actually "Samuel" and they weren't just friends either. I'd never trust someone that pretended they was speaking to an "old man" when really they was speaking to a woman.

@catandgloves "His reasoning for the lie is that he hates this woman because she’s a brown nose goody two shoes and he just couldn’t bring himself to say her name. So went with John."

Yeah right. That's probably the worst bullshit I've heard for a long time. OP, he wants to shag her or he already is. Can't bring himself to mention her name so he called her John! He must think you're daft.

No, it just doesn't make sense for him to lie.

Have you been jealous about any of the woman he has been paired with before?

lying is never okay, but he might have potentially not told you the truth because you have maybe kicked off in the past.

If that’s not the case, then I would be worried

I do t think it’s the lie itself that’s the issue tbh. That’s one thing

the real issue is he clearly thinks you’re so dense you’ll swallow any old fucking shit. Unless you have a long history of OTT jealousy and paranoia, he’s taking you for a fool and right now, you’re letting him

life is too short to put up with men like this. Stay with him and regret it

I’d put money on an affair (although I may be clouded by experience). The whole fake name, younger woman, “hates her” - it’s all pretty standard cliche affair talk.

I don't think I usually jump to conclusions but his reason, at the end of your opening post OP, is absolute bollocks. (Edit- up until that point, I thought there was every chance it was a stupid thing to do in an effort to avoid you feeling jealous or something, not necessarily that you had reason to do so)

SIX YEARS working with someone he hates, and he never once needed to let of steam and have a rant about it? No chance. Even if he didn't want to use her name (🙄), you'd know she existed.

I completely get what you’re saying OP ..
It’s like you had him pegged for this completely different person , like you say the way he has lied so convincingly for 6 years..
That is a fair shock / land to get ..
Now you have feelings of , do u know this man at all .. That’s a shit feeling …

For what it’s worth, doubt there is anything shady going on , they’re working together 6 years , that’s a long time , in that length of time there would surely have been tell tale signs of an affair ..