DH postgrad medical exams

[clinellwipe]

A post to ask how medical couples/families survive Royal college membership exams …

DH is prepping for his FRCA final viva so fourth set of exams over the last 4 years. In the last four years we’ve had 2 children - a 4 year old with SEN and a 6 month old baby.

I left medicine after doing an ‘F4’ year. I’m not working (I know I’m lucky). We live 2.5 hours from any family support due to the whole merry go round of moving around the UK.

during his revision seasons he revises 8am-8pm on days off work, and all evening on days he’s at work. The last day off from revision he had was in September - ie the last day he helped’ with parenting was in September. He revises HARD, he does this for many months in advance and luckily it’s always paid off as he has passed every exam first time round.

the price is that I’m drowning in running the household , the kids (breastfeeding baby, keeping 4yo regulated) etc etc. 4yo only goes to nursery 3 mornings a week as he gets overwhelmed. It’s really REALLY hard not to resent him.

I’m not trying to do a husband bashing thread, just trying to understand how you cope if you or your partner are doing these exams? Does it cause upset in your households? Do I just not get it because I never did the post grad exams? Hoping that he passes this set of exams so we can try to be a family again because it feels so disconnected right now…

I've passed the FRCA and the first thing I would say is thank GOD I did it before kids! However, that's not very helpful to you...

It is a beast of an exam, no doubt about that. And the viva nature means that if you get unlucky, you can get grilled on one tiny area of the syllabus and if you don't know it, that's all your marks for that subject gone. So the pressure to feel like you know and can answer questions on everything is huge. It's also very expensive - over £700 for this one - and very stressful, so you really don't want to resit (though about 30-40% will have to at each stage). And you cannot progress further in training without it - in fact if you don't pass after a certain length of time/number of attempts, you can lose your place in the training scheme. So yeah, it's a big deal and does rather take over your life.

That said, is it necessary to study 8-8 every day for months? Probably not for most people; I certainly didn't put those kind of hours in. Different people approach study in different ways though, and for your DH he may feel it necessary. My opinion is that once you get to a certain level of knowledge, extensive book work is less needed, and what is essential is viva practice - at work (lots of hospitals will have consultants who arrange practice sessions), with colleagues and potentially on paid courses.

Huge sympathy for you and your family - it sounds like a very hard time for you. Is he using it as an excuse to opt out of family life? Possibly? I think you need to decide if raising it at this point is likely to be a productive discussion, and what you can realistically ask for that won't stress you both out more. I'm assuming he's taking the December sitting? In which case it will be over soon.

You knew the timescale of these exams. He has to pass or it's years wasted. You suck it up and plough on. The only option would have been to delay having kids, which you didn't choose (totally reasonable, I'd have had them too) but you do now need to do the vast majority of the parenting.

You poor thing OP, sounds hectic in the extreme. I don't have anything particularly original to suggest but I would

A. Hunker down until it's over
B. Leave him be, he is doing this for you and the family.
C. Buy in all the help you can.
D. Book a break away solo/ with friends once exams are over.

Best of luck.

You poor thing OP, sounds hectic in the extreme. I don't have anything particularly original to suggest but I would

A. Hunker down until it's over
B. Leave him be, he is doing this for you and the family.
C. Buy in all the help you can.
D. Book a break away solo/ with friends once exams are over.

Best of luck.

presumably you both went into the "stressful time for doctors / having children" with your eyes open.

How do you get through it? With gritted teeth probably, and giving your DH all the support you can so he passes.

Sympathies to both of you. Professional exams are crap - I’m currently revising for my last one (not FRCA, another specialty with fees into the thousands 😭) so know the pressure DH is under to want to pass it first time. It’s such a weight off your mind career wise once they’re over and done with (and no more ‘so when are you doing the exam’ conversations with consultants). You can actually start planning towards what you want life to be as a consultant.

My DH has already passed his exams so is definitely doing the lions share of baby related jobs atm. We both have the shared goal that ideally I’ll pass first time. That said I’m definitely not opting out of family life! We do tea/bathtime/bedtime as a family then I work once my little boy is asleep and DH cooks dinner. I normally do an hour or so after dinner too while DH washes up, At the weekends I’ll either work for a morning or afternoon but spend the rest of the time with my family. I might get a bit more intense as we get closer (DH is planning on taking DS to visit family the weekends immediately before) but I’m definitely not going to abandon my family!

It doesn’t sound like his revision strategy is very effective if he’s needing to work for so long. He maybe needs to have a chat with colleagues about what was most helpful for them so he can focus his preparation more. The people I know who have most recently passed the FRCA are both mums with small children and they made revision work alongside family life - they certainly weren’t revising all day every day like your DH.

Would it be possible for you and the children to go and stay with family during the intense revision periods? You'd have some support and your dh could study without interruptions. Or could someone come to you to give a hand?

My dd is a medic and I'm fully prepared to help out during times like this.

I don’t think I did realise how hard it would be to be honest - I think because no one can prepare you for how much your life changes when you have kids plus the added challenges our DS has. It’s not been an easy few years for any of us. But yes , DH would definitely argue that I signed up for this and I need to just grit my teeth as others have said. Perhaps I’ve been stupid in thinking it would just be hard rather than THIS hard.

I don’t think DH uses it as an excuse to get out of parenting because I can genuinely see the anxiety he has around revision , how upset if he loses an hour of revision for some unexpected reason. He’s very rigid in his way of revision which he’s been doing since GCSE days and at age 31 at the final hurdle I don’t see or expect that to change.

I just really hope there will be a consultant post available when the time comes ! Thanks for responses

Also in terms of practicalities - make life as easy as possible at home. Could you afford a cleaner a couple of hours a week so you can focus on children? Get a cook order so dinners are sorted?

One of my friends recorded herself discussing viva topics and would play them whilst taking her baby for a walk in the sling - could DH do this on the days he’s home?

have you never ever spoken to people who have children though?

It sounds really tough - but what do you want to do? you can't get rid of the DCs and if your DH packs it in now, what will that bring?

When’s he actually sitting it OP? I’m not sure of the anaesthetics exam timetable. Because there’s a difference if you just need to keep your head above water until the December(?) sitting or if it’s going into the springtime.

Oh @clinellwipe , children are greater than the sum of their parts in terms of effort. And that's without one of them having additional needs. It's going to be very hard. Maybe just accepting that helps? Like it's not hard because you're doing anything wrong, it's just hard because it's fucking brutal. And I had two relatively easy children (although no family help and neither in childcare, just a partner who was out of the house 7.30-6 every day). Hang in there 💪

Admittedly ours were quite easy children but, although DH did a lot of work for his FRCR, it wasn’t every hour of every day. Surely he could take a few hours off in the early evening and work again after the kids are in bed. DH did pass everything first time and I don’t remember it being hugely stressful. I was working 3 days a week but that might actually have made things easier.

Is your older child getting statement for school? Do you have a cleaner?

What about weekends does he revise then too? Can you be specific and say “I’d like to go to the gym / meet a friend / get a coffee”.

Are you hoping to go back to work?

The more time he puts in now, the less chance of him failing and having to resit and go through all this again. Short term pain for long term gain.

While he’s studying can you get any help with childcare eg family support, increase nursery days? Get a cleaner in, have someone do your ironing, use a meal service or anything else that could ease the load a bit?

The other thing that can help is planning a holiday or some other sort of quality time together for after the exam so you have some time to reconnect and something to look forward to.

Husband did hus royal college exams before we had kids. Thank god. He had to resit and passed second time. I think you jusf need to cross each day off until exam day and then results day. All the best. X

I'm really hoping for the OP's sake that it's the upcoming sitting in the first week of December, as the next one after that is not till June!

Can you let him know that you support him 💯 and also that you’re running on empty to support him at the moment and that you cannot go on indefinitely. You are sacrificing your career for his. Make sure he is aware of all that. At the moment all you’re getting out of the relationship is bed and board.

If you were to split up, you’d both be in a difficult position.

Sorry for late reply - 4yo, baby and I all sick with Covid or flu? Day 5 of fever. 4yo seems to be a bit better today and is being more demanding (which is good!) but baby and I truly in the thick of it. It’s the most ill our children have been.

DH off this week on study leave which has been great as he holds the baby at his desk whilst I strip the bed (covered in sick from DS coughing so much 🫠) but he’s incredibly cross that we’re “ruining” his revision. He’s been a real prick about the inconvenience we’ve been. He was also a twat about DS being in hospital with NG klean prep earlier this year for faecal impaction as it was affecting his revision for the written exam.

The viva is first week of December - THANK GOD. I have a huge amount of respect for those of you who have endured fellowship exams whilst also playing active role in home life.

Hi OP, I remember those days well. DH is an anaesthetist and I’m a GP. We had 3 kids under 5 when we were both doing exams and he was commuting 90 mins each way on top of a terrible rota.
How did we get through it??? Bit by bit I think. I remember it was hard, we were both exhausted and stressed. DH did save some time for family time and also just nailed revision hard so he passed 1st time.
If you can try to avoid competitive tiredness (hard I know!) as you are both running on fumes. Try not to blame each other; try to be kind to each other. It’s a really tough time but it will pass.
We’re over a decade on now and life is much much easier. You’re in the hardest bit. Big hugs x

Your DH is being a twat. I’m not a doctor but have friends who are so I know they are very hard.

If the shoe was on the other foot I bet you wouldn’t be opting out of parenting for months at a time. He does not get a medal for holding his own baby briefly whilst you deal with sick covered sheets. The audacity of being a prick about his children being sick.

I am currently studying for advanced professional exams which I need to pass. I also work FT in a very demanding job, have children and a spouse who travels weekly for work. So I can’t just opt out of parenting because study, I have to make it work around everything else.

Personally I would read him the prior act. Yes yes you want him to pass the exams or course. But he is absolutely taking the piss out of you. By opting out of everything. I would agree the bare arse minimum for next few weeks but him doing some involvement on point of principle and then a complete reset after his exams that the world no longer revolves around him.

OP, as a doctor yourself, you surely knew how important and demanding post grad exams are? Knowing that, you chose to have 2 children. Fine, that's your choice - but when I was a young medical wife, I knew that children weren't compatible with my husband's medical career, so we stayed childfree.
My medical friends have experienced suicide, divorce and health problems - not all of them, of course, but the commitment is real. The job has to come first.
My only suggestion would be to make best use of your husband's funds to buy in some help.
Or go back to work yourself, so that you have a focus outside the house - your children will be fine in childcare.

Your husband sounds like a dick OP, sorry. It’s all about him him him. Maybe it’s the stress of the exam making him like this, but I suspect it’s not only that: stressful situations can often reveal our true natures quite bluntly. Once the exam is out of the way it will be imperative for you to rebalance things and claim time for yourself; I think you’ve held down the fort long enough. Don’t compromise or accept his ‘excuses’.

It sounds you're extremely exhausted (which is to be expected) and some people on here and not being very nice.

I would say try and focus on the finish line, it won't last forever and you'll hopefully soon get your normal lives back ❤️

Maybe agree that DH will look after kids every fortnight, even if just in the evening. It will give him a break from all the studying and you'll get a little break as well.

I have 3DC and a 4th on the way. DH’s exams have been HARD. I also work full-time in a professional role. This year he decided to take on a part-time MSc on top which felt a lot for me when I was already at capacity but I don’t think he considered that it could impact me. Then, he was excitedly telling me about an iron-man triathlon he wanted to train for in June and I finally lost my patience.

He has his 4th and (hopefully) final exam in February, has dropped to a pg cert and is not doing the triathlon. Revision periods are hard, impact the family atmosphere and can lead us both to burn out. However, he always participates in family life - I do not think I would accept your husband’s revision style post-children. My DH revises 2-4 hours a day at a time that suits us both best. That said, you are so so nearly there and so it is probably best to just grit your teeth and get through it. If this were his first exam, I think I’d have different advice.

Personally, I would have a conversation at some point after the exam about how I felt, the impact on me and what felt like an unacceptable attitude toward the children being unwell. Ensuring I also frame it as understanding the stress and pressure he was experiencing. I wouldn’t want to experience that again later in life so would feel it needs addressing.