To think kindness is overrated, it’s often just cowardice in disguise?

[HonestPearlJay]

I keep noticing that people who pride themselves on being “kind” often just avoid confrontation. They let bad behaviour slide, they over-apologise and they call it empathy. But sometimes “kindness” looks more like fear of conflict than moral strength. AIBU to think genuine integrity means being honest, even when it’s uncomfortable?

Im the worse if a red flag had a face it would be mine.

You’re missing the point, why would you keeping noticing.Agree with @Thepeopleversuswork you’re getting mixed up with someone being nice, it isn’t the same as someone being kind.

Mumnset being so obsessed with this is the weirder issue.

That's not kindness. That's bravery and selflessness. You can be both of this things and unkind. Kindness is about being friendly, generous and considerate, or being helpful and caring.

Anyone at the train station buying coffees for the victims / passengers would be considered 'kind' (but not cowardly).

Kindness seen as a negative! 😂 Only on Mumsnet!

ETA: And being nice, too! Oh, my sides!

I'm the type whose default is kind and i have struggled to assert myself, I'm improving all the time and feel I have gotten the balance right now in my 40s. I'm the type that is so often ridiculed on MN where i could tie myself up in knots over how to say something. However I'd rather be kind to a fault than the nasty self obsessed types that are often revered on here. I'm often genuinely shocked at how critical people are of others and how strong they dislike others. Such terrible friends and family members on here being really selfish under the guise of 'setting boundaries'. Part of the reason I struggle to assert myself is because I genuinely don't want to upset other people, I truly care about them including strangers. I always try to see the other person's perspective, often the thing that I want is less important than the hurt or inconvenience to the other person so I let it slide. If anything the world needs more mes and I am proud of who I am.

Are you the same poster who always posts "observations" under a three-letter username that don't make a whole lot of sense when you actually think about them but are always vaguely semi-goady? It's giving ChatGPT.

No, I don't notice this, anyway. Some people are as you describe, most are not. There is no fascinating social pattern here, the premise of the thread is empty,

Well I rather that type of person to the type who supposedly “tell it like it is” and embrace negative traits over positive ones.

I don’t know many nice people who claim to be nice though (people who are genuinely nice/kind IME don’t brag about being so, they just are) self-describers/self-complimenters on the other hand are often very wrong about themselves, and are the opposite of what they claim to be!!

If anything I’d say kindness is a much underrated quality, especially in men. Whenever a friend has met a new man I always ask, “is he kind?”

I think it’s a very attractive quality in a person.

I don’t think anyone can describe themselves as having a particular quality. I would be deeply suspicious of anyone actually describing themselves as “kind” and would wonder what others in their lives would actually say!

Your talking about people pleasing and poor boundaries. Your right that thats not genuine kindest. My friend is a huge people pleaser, she is nice but she's not really real as such because you don't get a true opinion, you get what she thinks you want to hear. She will offer to do things for people but then bitterly complain to others after.

I would describe myself as kind, I don't leave people out, I don't talk badly about people behind their backs, I don't jump to conclusions when hearing gossip ect and I will help people out if I can. But, I don't over exert myself to please people like my friend does and I don't do thinks I don't want to do for other people's sakes that would negatively affect me or my energy ( aside from my children's but that's different isn't it ) ( I'm autistic )

People can be kind - doing something that doesn’t reward them in anyway and purely for someone else’s benefit and it’s a great quality .
However beware the man who says he’s “too kind “ … it usually means he’s too weak / avoids confrontation and has no backbone .

I’m struggling to see how kindness and honesty/integrity are mutually exclusive. Different people have different qualities and it sounds like you’ve been annoyed by specific people. That doesn’t mean kindness as a quality is overrated or someone being kind makes them weak or afraid of conflict when it matters.

When DH was in hospital recently for 6 weeks a number of people were very kind to both of us. It wasn't performative kindness, just genuine and thoughtful kindness.

So, I completely disagree with you @HonestPearlJay

Being kind is not a weakness.

I am kind as I know too many selfish c*nts and I don’t want to be like that.

if the only positive words to describe a person are "nice and kind", it might be true, but that's not exactly a compliment. Added to a long list of more important qualities, it's great. On their own? Is that what you want people to say about you: SoftBalletShoes is nice. And kind? And?... not much. That would hurt.

Anything self proclaimed is never a positive 😂

The last person who told me she was 'too nice' was a nasty, backstabbing, gossiping piece of work who stirred up trouble wherever she went, then sat back to enjoy it all.

Being kind doesn't equate with being weak, and being a people-pleaser doesn't mean being a kind person. Kindness isn't ceding over to every CF request, like giving up the plane seat you booked when someone else demands it because 'it's nice to be nice'. That's weak. The teacher (female) who most inspired me, and who I was lucky enough to maintain a relationship with in her later years, was remembered by everyone who knew her as kind. She was also sharp as a tack and as tough as hobnail boots. No one could put one over on her and I suspect few people ever tried.

It's a shame that all the namby pambyism surrounding #BeKind has made people - probably rightly - impatient. Two things stick in the craw about this. One is the performative element. The other is the use of 'be kind' as a mode of social control, which is why it often swirls around the social expectations attached to women and girls.

#BeKind can go and get stuffed. Real kindness, where it's due (that distinction is important), isn't a tick-box exercise, but most people feel and appreciate it when they offer or receive it.

I don’t really like the term ‘nice’, I think I was always encouraged to be ‘nice’, not rock the boat, do what I was told etc. Met so many people that label themselves as nice or kind and they really aren’t either. I think true kindness is a really beautiful thing, shouldn’t be bragged about or labelled by the person that does it. True kindness means being brave, standing up for what’s right, putting yourself out there to do something that’s right, making a decision to be kind at times rather than walking by. It’s not weak to be kind. I don’t think we have to try and be nice but I do believe in trying to be kind. You don’t have to be powerful to be kind. It’s sad really that this is up for discussion. ‘Be kind’ to me doesn’t mean ‘be quiet and weak’ it means ‘speak out if you need to and be brave, make good choices and don’t choose to be nasty to someone’

if the only positive words to describe a person are "nice and kind", it might be true, but that's not exactly a compliment

@ThatChristmasMug well that's a very subjective view. I think it is a compliment. It's not a nothing phrase unless it's used that way. Many people are nice, that's a more superficial thing and can relate to upbringing and manners but kindness is a very meaningful thing that many people lack and to me is one of the greatest compliments if it's truly genuinely meant

No.

there’s honesty and honesty.

you are so stupid you’ll never work in a job like this might be honest but it is not kind.

I think fewer people should be honest about their feelings. Too many people freely express hatred and other unpleasant things. Might be honest but it’s not good.

I think people use conflict averse a lot to hide cowardice. I wouldn't substitute kindness for that, though. It's occasionally used as an excuse for avoiding confrontation, and I do think there are some wet people who try to justify what they probably know deep down they shouldn't be doing by claiming it's kind. But generally I don't think it's used that way.

Kindness and being a pushover or lacking a backbone are 2 very different things!
Apparently I'm really kind according to my time and family/friends I will do anything for them, but I am direct as fuck and take no messing, don't let people take the piss or advantage.
Being kind is a form of self care, it boosts serotonin and dopamine.

What you are describing isn't kindness. It's a shame you can't understand the difference.

Some people seem to think that being kind means never letting someone else be unhappy. So they do whatever it is that keeps the other person happy. They may not be afraid of confrontation and there may be no detriment to them, they just think letting another person be unhappy when you could do something about it, is kind.

But that’s no way to bring up a toddler. And that’s no way to interact with anybody who makes unreasonable demands - ie any adult who behaves like a toddler.