To think kindness is overrated, it’s often just cowardice in disguise?

[HonestPearlJay]

I keep noticing that people who pride themselves on being “kind” often just avoid confrontation. They let bad behaviour slide, they over-apologise and they call it empathy. But sometimes “kindness” looks more like fear of conflict than moral strength. AIBU to think genuine integrity means being honest, even when it’s uncomfortable?

No I don’t. Kindness is a choice. It can be easier to be cruel. I watched Frankenstein on Netflix last night and the people who were kind to Frankenstein were not weak in my eyes but the one that was cruel was.

Sounds like you know my Aunt! 😂

One of my friends, who sadly died a few years ago, was the kindest person I have ever met. He would always notice some one struggling with a pushchair on stairs or the train and help them. At work he put himself out to improve catering standards for the staff. He encouraged a young man with Downs Syndrome to go to football matches with him and his friends. He decorated his daughters houses when they moved and would go over to make up self assembly furniture. He had a real gift with present buying because he understood people so well. Lots of other stuff but I'm just trying to give you a flavour of the man. He was no pushover, he had been a soldier and a tutor in a men's prison. Kindness is not weakness, it takes a lot to be consistently kind.

Presuming you are also posting today under the name QuietMotiveFinch

This very similar thread has opposing title, to question in your opening post.

YABU to think kindness is over rated
YABU to think kindness is cowardice in disguise

YANBU in your thinking about integrity.

But when you start other threads, could you get the AIBU in your OP to match the AIBU in the title please ?

Only on MN is being kind seen as a bad thing.

Most people just aren’t worth arguing with ime.

Do people really go on, about how kind they are?

Kindness is a real thing, only if it is not done at somebody else's expense - like I shall volunteer and teach ND young adults to sail (my dh) on week-ends, whilst my wife (me) will pick up all the shit with dh at home - homework, housework, basically everything. I am sooooo kind, am I not?

I think you mean niceness not kindness.

On a Facebook group today a ladies parcel was accidently delivered to the next village. I was going through that village and the lady who's parcel it was lives on my estate. So I offered to pick it up on my way through. Not because im a coward, but because I was driving right past both places. Took 2 minutes out of my day, helped someone.

I try to be kind, to help, and most importantly tell someone when I really appreciate something theyve done.

Exactly. Your default position should be to treat others well, as you’d wish to be treated yourself. (The word ‘nice’ is problematic, though, and has connotations of wetness!)

How can anyone confuse that with being a coward or being weak?

Tolerating bad behaviour is a totally different matter and nothing to do with being ‘nice’. I also think forgiveness is massively overrated and I suppose I do see that as weak-mindedness.

I'll show kindness to those I think deserve it,take the piss out of me and very quickly that person will see a very different side to me.

Isn't kindness important though? Distinguished from subservience/putting up with bullying.

I think it depends how you define forgiveness. I'm a Christian and Jesus' encouragement of forgiveness is very important imo (shared by other religions) though it's obviously very hard, esp when huge wrongs have been committed, and esp if the person hasn't repented or made amends.

But I firmly believe that forgiving someone isn't the same as saying they shouldn't be punished for wrong they've done. I don't believe in capital punishment but I firmly support all other forms of justice.

Is that how your DH treats you? As in, you are expected to do all this & it wasn't a joint decision?

Your friend sounds incredible. Someone like that is a true gift, as you say, being consistently kind is not easy.

Another one of those threads from a what three words poster.

And as usual they're always looking at the shitty side of human behaviour.

Yes. Clickbaitorama.

Yes - I can forgive if there is genuine remorse. But when people say they’ve forgiven someone without this I don’t think that’s admirable. It’s meaningless and simply means you’ve decided to downplay or disregard the harm that’s been done. And I don’t think it’s good for the other party to be forgiven without some kind of repentance - it’s not going to help them grow or reflect as a person.

To me, kindness is doing something or behaving in a way that perhaps you don't feel like and is of no benefit to you, because you have empathy with someone else and you have standards and values you believe in trying to adhere to. It's completely different from jumping through hoops at work because you want a promotion or pay rise, or offering to do something in hope you'll be liked or whatever. It's staying behind at the school gate to talk to someone who's struggling even though you're busy and aren't looking for more friends. It's talking to the new person in your hobby group who's looking a bit lonely and introducing her to other people, even though you'd prefer to talk to your mates. It's biting your tongue when your mum says something annoying because while she'd forgive you, snapping at her would be hurtful to her. It's standing up for someone being treated unfairly, even if it puts you in a difficult position. Kindness is never cowardly (if the motive is cowardly then it's not kindness), and it's often extremely brave.

True kindness is immense strength of character. Not weakness at all. I despair that you think otherwise, as sadly many seem to agree

You have nailed it. It can cost nothing but can mean everything to someone. On halloween, the kids got treat bags with toys and sweets and were given a little "pocket hug" resin token to give their adult. The smiles on the kids faces that they had something to give their adult and the adults smiling too. There was one mum who was on her own with her 2 kids and getting that tiny gift seemed to really touch her, she kept saying thank you with a big grin. Kindness to me is trying to show other people that there is good in the world. I have told no one IRL the things I do to be kind, because its not about having acknowledgement. Its just about helping, giving a smile, letting others know they aren't alone

I know ive posted here but its anonymous