To think kindness is overrated, it’s often just cowardice in disguise?

[HonestPearlJay]

I keep noticing that people who pride themselves on being “kind” often just avoid confrontation. They let bad behaviour slide, they over-apologise and they call it empathy. But sometimes “kindness” looks more like fear of conflict than moral strength. AIBU to think genuine integrity means being honest, even when it’s uncomfortable?

Anyone who self describes as “I’m too nice”

”I am too kind for my own good”

I can’t help but chuckle.

Thankfully no one in my RL has ever said anything so pompous and daft, only on mumsnet 😆

I wouldn’t waste a nano second trying to understand op

This came up on another thread where it was pointed out that only people in positions of power can be kind, otherwise it is subservience.

It is also noteworthy that it is generally those in positions of power who demand that other people should ‘be kind’

You “keep noticing” do you? How odd.

There’s a difference between allowing bad behaviour and being a nice/kind person though. I like to think I’m a kind person, that means I can try and understand what others have been through rather than being unapologetically nasty.

I find that a depressing way to think tbh. A lot of us just try to make the world a bit nicer and help out where we can. The people who use those phrases are the same people who say on mn they used to be people pleasers. They weren’t, they just did something nice but expected something back. And it’s a ridiculously used phrased really anyway, it’s another phrase designed to make people rethink their actions

I’m not sure I would call is cowardice, but definitely a weakness. My mum would always tell us to ‘be kind’ even in the face of bullies, harassment and just out of order behaviour from other people. I now know she has severe social anxiety and she couldn’t deal with conflict, but the fact I’ve been conditioned by my childhood to always think I’m in the wrong and it would be bad to stick up for myself has really stuck with me on an internal level.

‘Being kind’ should mean not being a bully, and not making life harder for others just because you can. It should mean showing kindness and consideration for people, animals etc when we can, and offering a helping hand.

It doesn’t mean you should be a doormat and let yourself suffer.

” Don’t mistake kindness for weakness “
is a well used saying around here

Observation isn’t that odd, it’s literally what discussion threads are for

When prioritising your own happiness, confrontation is rarely needed. I don’t waste my time getting myself angry and confronting people, because I prefer to be calm, move on as soon as possible and I can avoid that person or situation in future. People are fallible and I don’t have high expectations for them so maybe I don’t feel surprised or so upset when they act in sub optimal ways.

OP I think you might be confusing being "kind" with being "nice".

True kindness I think is essential to good human relationships; the ability to emphathise, to understand what the other person is going through and to understand when someone's needs are greater than yours. A world without kindness would be bleak, transactional and full of mistrust. But you can be kind and still have a great deal of moral strength and be direct, confrontational and have boundaries.

"Niceness", I think, is probably what you actually mean and it is indeed very overrated: it usually just means sycophancy, diplomacy and a reluctance to say what you really think which often (not always) goes hand in hand with cynicism and people pleasing. People who are "nice" above all else are usually crowd-pleasers who are above all preoccupied with not rocking the boat. I've always thought that when the adjective "nice" is applied to a person they are not worthy of my time.

But the two things are very different.

"kindness" is a lazy cope-out.

"Be kind" is the most infuriating nonsense stupid people keep banging on about, and it's even worth when they try to pretend it should be taught to children.

Don't be a dick, that should be obvious. But be intelligent, smart, successful, independent, don't let anyone bully you or tell you what to do, be strong, be popular and interesting. "Be kind" is the least interesting thing about you.

It doesn't mean you should be a shit or a bully, but "kindness" is boring.

Today my husband offered the two men working on the road outside our house a cup of tea.
He just did it out of kindness because it was raining and he thought they might like a hot drink to warm up.

He wasn't avoiding confrontation of any sort.

I don't really know what you mean OP. Can you give us a real example?

I would say I’m kind. But, I’m not performative and I will tell people to f right off if they take the rise. 🤷‍♀️

There's also the flip side to this - the "I say it as it is" people who are actually just enjoying making other people uncomfortable.

I wish they wouldn't.

You sound like you have issues...

Well the kindest people in the train stabbing last week were the guard and the middle aged man who stepped up. I would struggle to call them cowards and have no idea why you would equate kindness with stepping away from confrontation. Kindness is doing the right thing. The thing that benefits the most others at whatever cost to yourself.

I have plenty of kind family and friends who are not cowards or avoid confrontation.

2 of the kindest women l know are tough as shit and take no prisoners.

I doubt either of them would have proclaimed themself as “kind”

Cowardice/conflict avoidance mascarades as kindness/empathy to the same extent as selfishness/cruelty mascarades as boundary setting/assertiveness.
We all like to label the behaviour that suits us in the most flattering light at times, don't we?

Some of us just try to be kind as we were brought up that way and don’t need to shout about it. I do think being kind makes you a happier person

Any bloke who describes himself as ‘just a nice guy’ and ‘I’m too nice for my own good’ is normally 🚩 🚩 🚩 central.

I describe myself as a fair/just person.

I am kind in the proper sense but when I hear "be kind" it's just shorthand for shut up and "I'm too kind for my own good" should be more accurately described as I'm a bit of a coward who would rather not rock the boat.

I appreciate real genuine kindness and definitely don’t see it as a weakness, but someone I’m ‘friends’ with on Facebook, posts every time she gives a homeless person money or helps an old lady who’s fallen over. She then takes a photo of her going the good deed, normally with the person, and gets AI to write some soppy story about how we should all be ‘more kind’ etc 😂 I know there are worst things but it does makes me cringe!