To think some people work hard at suppressing their emotions, almost like it’s a badge of honour?

[TheTaupeMoose]

It’s like there’s a whole group of people who pride themselves on not feeling anything. Or at least, not showing it. They downplay sadness, anger, even joy sometimes, as if being “unemotional” means they’re more stable or strong.

But AIBU to think that this kind of emotional suppression isn’t strength? It’s just bottling things up and eventually, it leaks out in other ways: passive aggression, burnout, coldness, detachment.

Not saying everyone has to cry at work or overshare in group chats. But isn’t never expressing anything just as unhealthy?

I think I am fairly emotionally stable. This doesn't mean I don't feel things, I do very deeply but I have always been someone who processes things internally and privately. I am fairly self aware and have good coping skills for dealing with strong emotions in the moment and in the aftermath which help me to respond to situations and events rather than just react or act out.

I don't think it's a badge of honour but I think it is a good character trait. If you look at almost any system of wisdom in western or eastern traditions they are almost all geared to training you to not just let your emotions ride roughshod over you so that you can respond to life's challenges in a more skilful way. Its an ability that can protect you from certain mental health issues, from falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms and can help preserve your most precious relationships and assets in life.

Rather than being angry at other people OP perhaps work on yourself and how you deal with your own emotions?

relieved I'm not the only one who misses the days when people didn't talk about their emotions constantly, to people they hardly know!

Especially at work

Not angry, just observing. Emotional regulation is great, emotional suppression is the part I was questioning.

Maybe or maybe people who are not you experience the world differently and express themselves differently. Thank god we're not all the same. I'd probably be a murderer if there were 8 billion clones of me in the world.

OP, as you say we are indeed all different. But many people choose to keep their emotions hidden because they don't want to make everything about themselves. Offloading one's own emotions us the height of self-indulgence and incredibly boring for others. Most of us don't feel the need to live in our own Hollywood movie! Rather, restraint, self-control and consideration for others are all admirable qualities.

Okay, out of interest why does it bother you how other people deal with their feelings?
My mother died earlier this year, we were nc at the time and I went to work as normal on the Monday (she died on the Sunday). I was told by multiple people that 'I should be at home '.
Why do people feel like they can tell me how to feel? I was and am fine 🤷‍♀️

I think it's the opposite. Endless navel gazing everywhere. There's no resilience going on.

Life gets hard sometimes. You shouldn't need constant validation of your feelings. It's draining to be around.

I completely understand what you mean. I’m not judging how anyone personally handles things, I think everyone’s relationship with emotion is individual. What I meant was more about the wider attitude that treats emotional expression as weakness and emotional restraint as strength, rather than seeing both as valid depending on context.

Lots of crying and shaking too, over everyday minor issues.

I do wonder how the next generation will cope if they're being raised to witness less and less resilience

YABU.

@TheTaupeMoose the only people I know who describe emotional regulation as repression are themselves emotionally incontinent.
Nobody cares about your latest self created problem or that Jane from accounts didn't smile at you, if you need to emotionally dump on someone/everyone you are the problem get a therapist who's atleast paid to listen to your incessant whining. Whilst the rest of us keep calm and carry on

@TheTaupeMoose this "wider attitude" you are talking about, where are you seeing it?

Far too much emotional nonsense goes on now. Nation of wingers and over sharers.

I’m at that age of being “stoic”. I don’t over share every or any emotion (no one cares) and I jog on with the here and now. Life is full of ups and downs. 😉

Personally I agree with you, OP, I notice this a lot. OK, so there's a trend in some parts of society for being emotionally extravagant these days, but there seems to be an equally strong counter-trend, especially on MN, that says anyone who feels or shows emotion at all, over anything other than something like a bereavement - or, cardinal sin, actually cries, is 'pathetic'. Often accompanied, on MN, with a string of crying with laughter emojis. It borders on sociopathy at times imo.

People are getting awfully hard and uncaring and I think it's sad, personally.

In lots of subtle ways really, things like how people talk about “staying strong” instead of “feeling sad” or when emotional expression gets dismissed as “drama” or “oversharing.” You see it at work, in families, even how people talk online. There’s a quiet pressure to be composed at all times and that often gets mistaken for strength.

@TheTaupeMoose I wish I was seeing that

Let's swap lives 😂 Maybe not but you know what I mean! Really not getting any of this at all in my life

so much oversharing even when with acquaintances.

sorry, MN is crashing every five minutes again and I can't edit properly

People making a show of being sad, upset, angry are the opposite of "strong" and they are exhausting for everyone around.

Yes, being reserved and composed is basic manners and should be the goal.

Sobbing, crying for no reason and being a general wreck are just showing off, and it's boring. It's being adult to self-regulate, and no, it doesn't turn into anything negative.

In extreme circumstances, accidents, sudden horrific news, no one is expecting anyone to suppress emotions under intense pressure.

Trying to gain sympathy and attention is just that, attention seeking and eye rolling.

This is a very interesting thread, it reminds me of someone I used to know. Emotionally incontinent herself, she demanded quite aggressively that others should share their feelings, describing doing so was "healthy". She had no clue that most people, far from suppressing their feelings, process them in their own way and their own time, sometimes sharing with those they trust. And I never trusted her, she came across as an emotional vampire, voyeuristic and controlling.

You see it at work

of all the places to NOT show emotions and behave in a professional manner, surely work should be number one!

What else than embarrassing or attention seeking do you think being dramatic can be described at work!

Ime the opposite also applies, as in there can be pressure to express, or perhaps perform, an emotion regardless of whether it’s felt or not.

People struggle to grasp very normal and natural variation in individuals, and as such they assume that because someone isn’t expressing what they would in any specific situation, that it must be a case of suppression.

this!

Today's edgy question you mean. 🙄

I'm a big believer in 'leave your troubles at the door'. I don't want my colleagues crying at me over wherever is going on, although I am always there for a chat in times of trouble. Same with friends and family. I'm here for support but don't want the tears or drama. I also think if anything some people need to work a bit harder at emotional regulation, it's an important skill to regulate yourself and not expect others to do it for you. Children are able to do this from 5 or 6 for the most part, unless it's times of great upset, so I find it hard to understand why a 42 year old hasnt mastered it yet.

Nails it.