Hate my house - what to do?

[lucylox]

5 years ago Dh and I wanted to buy a home together. We were set on a specific area and I was also pregnant so I think we rushed a lot. When one house came up we were determined to like it because we wanted to be moved before the baby arrived. In fairness when we first looked around we did genuinely like it, it was an old house and clear that some things needed changing and updating but we worked our our finances and thought we could comfortably(ish) afford this and the massive mortgage. So we went for it.

5 years on we have completed a few jobs but so much more expensive, unexpected work has arisen too. There are half finished projects all over the place, the house is so cold in winter and with the price hikes on utilities and cost of living etc it has turned out to be more expensive living here than we thought.

Dh and I constantly argue about money. We fall out about putting the heating on. We can never afford to do anything. I would accept this if I had a home I loved but I’m embarrassed to even have people over because so much of the house is grotty and unfinished with mold on the bathroom ceilings. Dh and I are not natural DIYers and we can’t afford to get people in to do things at the moment. Also constantly busy with work and kids to make a proper stab at the easy stuff we could do.

If I could click my fingers and live somewhere else I would. I have let clutter build up and stopped buying nice things for the house because i don’t like it. But realistically at the moment we can’t move without causing big upheaval to the kids and I do still believe we could make it a good home eventually. Does anyone have any advise for how to tackle my mindset? If I ever bring this up with dh he just gets angry that I’m being ungrateful about how much he/we are paying for the place. But it’s not that, it’s just I want a quality of life too and think we probably rushed into buying this.

Is "big upheaval to the kids" the main obstacle? The eldest is what, five? What upheaval are we talking about?

Well you have identified a few changes you can make already. Declutter and be ruthless about it. Tidy and clean each room and do it thoroughly. I’d focus on key areas like the kitchen, sitting room and bedrooms first.

Make a list of the tasks you and DH can do yourselves and then allocate time for doing them. Very tedious but that’s life. It sounds like a long term project.

Is there any chance of borrowing enough to get the jobs done that you can’t tackle?

Very few people in any generation at what I guess is your age ( mid 20 to mid 40) have a great quality of life - it’s the years that you need to grit your teeth and grift to build your future and raise your family

you may not be naturally DIY capablw but most people are able to learn the basics. The joy of my first simple plumbing fix was immense - take your joy and pride from the things you can have not the things you can’t

I think it can be harder for you than my older generation cause you may have had more when younger and you see far more fabulous lives on the social media - couldn’t miss the foreign holidays that I never had , didn’t get a gap year, didn’t get a ski trip till I was 45, and very few people around me had enviable lifestyles so it was easier to accept the mold and losing every weekend to DIY and every penny to polyfiller

Declutter ruthlessly.
Allowing the house to become a cluttered mess is no excuse, just because you don't like it.

Lots of people are not DIYers, but they learn to be because they have not choice.

White vinegar is good for mould, clean your bathroom properly.

But anti mould paint and use it.
I spent six weeks removing wallpaper from my house 25 years ago.
A nightmare, but no one else was going to do it, so I had to.

YouTube is fantastic to help with projects.

Clean out the house properly.
Look at freshly painting it.

Make a list of all the jobs to be done.

Full length Curtains, inexpensive ones can make a huge difference in an old cold house.
Can you use Curtains to make a space smaller and cosier?
Instead of fighting, start planning what you can do to make the space clean, fresh and cosy.

Also dirty, messy houses look awful.
Get a drill, learn to fix the small jobs.
A clean fresh tidy house goes a long way.
Look at your local second hand sites for furniture you can upscale.

Most of my friends, all very MC professionals did DIY on our homes.

It’s not the main obstacle no. But we/they like the area. The oldest is 12 and can walk to their high school from where we live, has lots of friends nearby etc.

I think if I’m honest I just can’t face the thought of moving at the moment either. Too much stress, upheaval, we would almost certainly lose money. I have thought about cutting our losses but on balance I think we’d be best working with what we have it just feels like a huge battle. I am very guilty of looking at RightMove and winding myself up over what we could have had.

Thank you these are the type of tips and input I need. I just don’t know where to begin with it all. Decluttering is the first step.

I would go with decluttering first, because clutter is so totally demoralising. It saps you mentally and makes you think, why bother? So, get decluttering.

Secondly, focus on safety projects. So, clean the mould on the ceiling, and then paint with anti-mould paint. Prioritise any other projects that have an impact on safety.

Finally, look at decorating. Even if you just slap a coat of magnolia over everything, at least it will look clean and fresh again. Once you're on top of all the existing projects, dont start anything else without finishing the thing before it!

One step at a time.
Complete declutter will help you see what needs to be done.
A really good clean, getting rid of mould is next.

Make sure all doors are hanging properly, not hanging off on hinges.

If the area is good for your kids and schools, that is priceless.
Much easier to fix a house than a bad location.
Get off rightmove and start looking at diy projects that can help.

My SIL bought a house with an old fashioned kitchen, it was solid but old.

She cleaned the cupboards well with sugar soap and painted the whole kitchen a bright deep cream.

Its not perfect, but it looks a hundred times better and will do for the next few years.

She has done the same with their bathrooms.
Her husband is helping her of course but she is driving it.
The bought an old smelly house inna fantastic location and they know that the walking to excellent schools is the priority.

This is a mindset thing.
Start investing in this house and focus on that.
Come back and ask for advice if you like.
Lots of us have been there.

Hard work yes, but huge satisfaction too.

No advice but I’m in the same boat. We moved when youngest was a year prior to starting school so we rushed it. It was also covid and so we only saw it once. Now I hate the house and the area 🤣 do we move and pay stamp duty etc and change the kids schools or do I try and make the best?

We lived in a building site of a refurb for 3 years. It was a shit tip.

what helped.

made a conscious effort with the bedrooms and bathrooms that they were clean and uncluttered. They had paper off the walls and crap carpets as there was no point redecorating till we’d got the plumbing finished but it was a relatively calm space.

same with the living room, we planned work so that was the first one done so we had somewhere people and us could sit and relax. Till the ceiling fell in….but heh we can laugh about that now.

it sounds like there are lots of positives about the house in terms of location etc you just underestimated living in a project. Focus on that. There were times I’d stand surrounded by dust having lost the will to carry on with whatever needed done next and look out the window at the view to remind myself that was a big part of why we bought the house.

declutter first and make a list.

Alongside all the decluttering and decorating advice you are going to get, I would do as much as I could to tackle the cold as that makes you miserable and everything feels worse.
Put draught excluder around opening windows and doors, get that plastic double glazing film that you stick on to windows, it is a few pounds and makes a big difference. Block gaps under skirting boards, stuff a bin bag with loosely crumpled newspaper up chimneys, and things like that. But, you do need to have some ventilation. Opening windows for a few minutes even on cold days helps.

I’d also be concerned about mould in the bathroom. You should definitely look into getting a dehumidifier, or even get an extractor fan fitted but don't bother with one that is supposed to detect humidity and turn off automatically - they don’t work.

The ceiling in the bathroom has been wallpapered (?) and as soon as it starts getting cold you can see moisture droplets accumulate on it which then obviously goes black and mouldy.

So you need to tackle the humidity in the bathroom. An extractor fan is the best option but even opening the window after having a shower will help.
I would think that the paper on the ceiling is harbouring mould spores so I’d strip it off, clean thoroughly and paint with anti-mould paint.

This sounds like my house, although I bought it as a couple and now I'm on my own! We had a problem in the bathroom and we were recommended some Zinsser paint which works well - no mould.
I think you should declutter as much as possible and still buy nice things for the house as it will make the rooms look nicer regardless of the unfinished projects. You can take all your nice things with you if you move! Use nice textiles to make it look cosy and inviting. Paint as many rooms as possible as painting is an instant game changer in how your house appears.

You need to treat the house like a work project.

A. Be clear what the problems with the house are.
B. Have a clear picture of how you want the house to be.

Devise a plan of how to get from A to B.
Make a budget.
Prioritise.
Set timescales.
Allocate tasks
Set review dates.

You could spend the time you waste on Rightmove doing all of the above over the next week. Then you could start next week on the work.

If you get off your arse and get on with this you and your family will have a completely different home this time next year and you will be very proud of yourselves.

Nobody is a natural DIYer. You just have to learn and focus and graft.
Get on DIY boards. There is so much information and advice out there.
Use YouTube to learn. It's like a school of DIY on there. I learned to refurbish my wooden windows on there. I'd had a quote for thousands to do the work and did it myself for under £200.

You can do this.

So take the wallpaper off. You said you're not 'natural DIYers' but it's pretty simple and you can learn most things on YouTube. You can't expect to just pay people to do everything for you, roll up your sleeves and give some simple jobs a go.

Yes you’re right I think I need to adjust my mindset as I’ve so fallen out of love with the place that my motivation is zero. Also lack of time due to kids and work but I know nothing will get better if I make excuses.

Maybe watch a few episodes of Love It or List It to get some inspiration!

Have you tried mould stop paint on the ceiling?

Declutter first. This helps to change your mindset from "it's too much" into a "we can do this!"

Make lists for each room and break them down into trades only, handymen/diy tutorial, easy, and then break them down into priority. No point in buying a new carpet if it needs new sockets or rotten skirting needs replacing.

Prioritise two rooms which will improve your mood and wellbeing the most. Some people view a social living room more important than a peaceful bedroom, so decide what's yours. If the kitchen or bathroom is usable then ignore and do the other rooms first as they tend to be the most expensive, unless it's decorative only - it sounds like your bathroom needs paper off, anti mould paint, new extractor and possibly checking the attic insulation over that room (to help with condensation). You are perfectly capable of doing 3 out of the 4 jobs.

A cold house zaps your motivation and love. Thermal curtains, attic insulation, that plastic sheeting over windows (BnQ sell it for under a tenner for two large windows), draught excluder around doors, getting misted window units fixed (not whole window). I'm getting three large misted units replaced for under £50 each plus another £50 for fitting. That's £200 instead of thousands.

You will get your love back for that house by being loving and caring towards it first. You've got this!

I agree with others, have a big declutter as the place to start. It's amazing what a difference it can make to the space but also mentally to have it sorted.

I would also create a list of all the half finished things that you have and start with them. Watch tutorials online to learn how to complete the basic DIY tasks, and do the ones that you can in the evenings or set aside a small amount of time at the weekend to do them (ring fence the time so that it gets done, but also so it doesn't eat into family time). You will feel better for knowing that the jobs are finally complete.

Separately, create a list of the bigger tasks that need doing. Rank them in list of importance. I would then park this list for now but just know it is there for when you have the time and money to start tackling them.

I grew up in a cold house with a dad who was allergic to putting the heating on! My tip would be to heat the people rather than the rooms (although a minimum temp is needed to keep the house in good condition). So extra layers, dressing gowns, slippers, thick socks, heated mattress topper to warm beds before going to bed (and ensuring that you have a winter weight duvet and or blankets on beds to keep it warm enough).

There is some excellent advice here.
I've lived in some married quarters in the past so I understand living in a house that you don't like.
My tip is that you keep your hallway (porch, entrance whatever) really tidy, very clean, clutter free and smelling very fresh. Pretty it up if you can. Same goes for cloakroom if you have a downstairs loo.
I always felt much better entering an unloved house if the first impression was pleasant.
Serious advice regarding the mould - that really has to be tackled for health reasons and for the structural integrity of your home.
A dehumidifier can work after it is sorted . I have one in our utility room where there is no heating and it keeps it drier and actually feels warmer with it on. DH says it is economical to run.
Good luck and it sounds like a great area for you to be in !

And here’s the other view…
Declutter, treat mouldy ceiling (another vote for dehumidifier), make it as clean as humanly possible and then sell.
You hate diy, and living in grottiness. You have young children and very little spare time. This is not going to change in the short, or even medium, term.
I would rent for a bit. Landlords on MN are seen as the devil incarnate but I have been renting for years, there are many positives.
Your home should be a place you enjoy being in, not somewhere you dread going.

Thank you all! I’ve had a really productive morning. I’ve cleaned the bathroom with some mould removing spray, I know this isn’t a long term fix but it has brightened it up for now.
Had a big declutter of the kitchen and got rid of loads of out of date food. Washed some old containers and got lots of stuff put away. Have to stop now as need to take dc out but already feel a bit better. Need to keep up the motivation and do it in baby steps.

Our house is falling down around our ears. It’s in the absolutely perfect area and we’ve embraced the quirkiness

that special mould paint works! Make those bathrooms gleaming, put some new towels in there, some lush plants

get rid of the junk. Honestly, houses full of crap, junky furniture make me so depressed. There are so many quick, effective, cost effective tricks to make it a million times better. Start with declutter, clean it, invest in plants, diffusers, art, rugs, heating.