Hate my house - what to do?

[lucylox]

5 years ago Dh and I wanted to buy a home together. We were set on a specific area and I was also pregnant so I think we rushed a lot. When one house came up we were determined to like it because we wanted to be moved before the baby arrived. In fairness when we first looked around we did genuinely like it, it was an old house and clear that some things needed changing and updating but we worked our our finances and thought we could comfortably(ish) afford this and the massive mortgage. So we went for it.

5 years on we have completed a few jobs but so much more expensive, unexpected work has arisen too. There are half finished projects all over the place, the house is so cold in winter and with the price hikes on utilities and cost of living etc it has turned out to be more expensive living here than we thought.

Dh and I constantly argue about money. We fall out about putting the heating on. We can never afford to do anything. I would accept this if I had a home I loved but I’m embarrassed to even have people over because so much of the house is grotty and unfinished with mold on the bathroom ceilings. Dh and I are not natural DIYers and we can’t afford to get people in to do things at the moment. Also constantly busy with work and kids to make a proper stab at the easy stuff we could do.

If I could click my fingers and live somewhere else I would. I have let clutter build up and stopped buying nice things for the house because i don’t like it. But realistically at the moment we can’t move without causing big upheaval to the kids and I do still believe we could make it a good home eventually. Does anyone have any advise for how to tackle my mindset? If I ever bring this up with dh he just gets angry that I’m being ungrateful about how much he/we are paying for the place. But it’s not that, it’s just I want a quality of life too and think we probably rushed into buying this.

Some really helpful tips and easy wins. Following as my house needs a declutter and I am trying to tackle it. Doesn't come naturally though 🤦‍♀️

Great update @lucylox and well done on cracking on with it this morning!

YANBU. It is a lot tougher these days. I notice mention of a 'massive mortgage'. Mortgages are huge for two reasons:

1. The size of the house.
2. The area the house is in.

At the risk of sounding like a Daily Mail reporter, how much was the house worth when you bought it and how big is it?

The mortgage is one of the two biggest expenses you'll ever have in your lifetime, so it makes sense for the house to be a size more suited to your needs as well as that of impending family expansion, ie pregnancy.

Survivor or two renovations here!

It's hard once you have kids, but it's really about playing your mind games on yourself.

If you are the sort of person who needs deadline, say you will have done X room by then end of the week/month.

Focus on a very limited space for a very limited time. Half an hour a day or something. This way it will feel like less of a slog and you will see a bigger difference at once.

Like pp said. Focus on the spaces that you see or spend time in the most. The hall, living room and kitchen. Having these areas improved will help your mood.

Also, don't just do it yourself!! Give DH jobs. Ideally a whole room/task.

There are some really good YouTubers who can transform spaces using existing furniture and minimal changes/additions. I would suggest once you have finished decluttering a room that you think about rearranging it to make it feel fresher. That may involve adding a new colour of pain or some inexpensive thrifted art or something.

I recommend 'Caroline winkler' and 'dear modern'. If you are doom scrolling for new houses why not change that to researching ways to improve the house you have?

Glad you have found your motivation OP!
Mý advice would have been:

Ruthless de-cluttering
Get on top of, and stay on top of mould!
Painting most rooms is within most people's capabilities....pick colours you like and crack on! With kids I always buy tough, wipe able paint.
Finally, buy nice accessories that you love! Pictures, cushions, ornaments, dinner sets etc. Make sure you love it all and it is to your taste.

Please don't give up on cleaning, you have younger children and they (and you! ) deserve to live in a clean, hygienic environment.

I’d crack on with the decluttering and cleaning before you start looking for interior decorating inspiration, otherwise it will just be another avoidance to actually getting in and doing stuff.

I'd choose a room to do each weekend. That involves decluttering and deep cleaning (wiping down shelves, skirting, walls etc) as you go.

I think you'll have to get over the 'we aren't natural diy people' thing. Most people don't like doing diy. But you have to if you own a house. Start writing down a list of jobs and tackle one each weekend. Make sure you think ahead of time which one you will do to make sure you have all the materials in.

I’m also very bad at interior design. We got a new sofa last year and I have major regrets already. It wasn’t cheap so we can’t just replace it but I don’t like it at all. I find it really hard to style rooms in a way that makes them look put together. It’s more often a random collection of stuff that doesn’t really go. I follow a lot of interior accounts on instagram but never seem to be able to achieve the same look. Anyway decluttering is the priority right now. I’m back to work tomorrow but hopefully I can still squeeze in half an hour to tackle a drawer at a time. New doors are also something I’d love but it’s such a big cost.

I've been through two renovations, with young children, and there are great tips on here.

We knew this one was probably our forever house and this motivated us to prioritise the renovations over holidays, car etc. To be honest I found holidays with little kids an ordeal so no sacrifice there!

Our strategy was one room at a time, after the initial plumbing and electrics were sorted (they were old and possibly unsafe). We had a spreadsheet where we estimated all costs room by room, and just plodded on till we got through it all. Keeping things clean and uncluttered made it liveable even when we had ugly walls and nasty carpets. The whole thing took us nearly five years. I suppose what helped us stay upbeat was knowing we planned to stay long term. The location was brilliant and we couldn't have afforded a finished house in the area. Fifteen years on, we've since done an extension and the house value has doubled. We love our home. Good luck, it's not easy but it's very satisfying.

Well done for starting with the decluttering!

I’d start with why it is cold. You mention old,
does it have original chimneys? We tried all the (expensive-ish) chimney blockers - old feather pillow worked best. Can you put column radiators in the main rooms - they’re more efficient and give a much bigger heat output https://www.planetradiators.co.uk/are-column-radiators-more-efficient/#:~:text=1.,rooms%20quicker%20than%20their%20counterparts. It was about £80 installation per radiator. Has made a huge difference. If you get a dehumidifier try a desiccant one, as they heat also

I completely understand, I am in a similar position. Bought old house in ok area because it was close to the area we actually like but can’t afford. The frustration is that the street has got so rough it’s horrible. House is also really challenging, me and DH are both crap at DIY and can’t afford to pay for the work.

I don’t have much advice, just commiserating!

The only saving grace is that my kids are at a good secondary school which they can walk to. They have a lot of nice friends and would hate to move. I moved a lot as a child and resent my parents for it.

Unles I win the lottery I plan to stick it out until the kids have finished secondary school. Then as soon as I can me and DH will move.

You have my sympathy, we bought our house 9 years ago and I’ve had periods of really hating it. It looked amazing when we viewed it (several times) but over the years we’ve had problem after problem as although the previous owners put in high spec fixtures they were done very shoddily which lead to so much having to be redone.
Ive come to the conclusion we are here for the long term so I’ve had to change my mindset and instead think about how to make it home.
We’ve made extensive lists about what needs doing in each room and we are slowly working through it as time and money allow. It’s going to be a long process but good to see things get ticked off.
Ive recently completely redone the porch, declutter, painted the walls, stripped and repainted the front door and added some nice decor bits. It makes me so happy to see when I get home. Having just one area done, even though it’s only small, makes me see how the rest can be in time and has given me hope.

Otherwise like others have said, try and get your motivation back. It’s the boring tiring stuff like both spending your evening after the kids are in bed getting the mouldy paper off the bathroom ceiling, and painting. Have drinks while doing it. If there is sealant you can replace, as often that gets a bit manky.

Can you get part of the house ready to sit in and have visitors? One room fully decorated, flooring in, art on the walls etc will make a huge difference. Really recommend Designer Carpets for beautiful room sized remnants for very reasonable prices. Can use these to make rugs also, but good clean carpet makes a big difference in the bedrooms, if you haven’t done those yet.

You mention doors, what’s wrong with them? If you post a picture, maybe people can help. But it’s amazing what difference paint on those can make, and new handles.

Ditto for the kitchen, we had to live with an awful grotty thing for a bit. Replacing dirty greasy chipped handles and the kitchen tap was inexpensive and made it feel a lot better.

Lastly lighting - dimmer switches and opal lights make a huge difference to the feel and comfort of a room. You can get these relatively inexpensively, and it really helps.

If you can, change everything that you touch regularly -light switches, taps, door handles. It really makes a difference and can be done pretty cheaply

Declutter and a good clean. Buy a dehumidifier for the damp. Ventilation is just as important as heating to prevent damp. Don't start lots of different projects tackle things one at a time and start with small things that can be finished.

Absolutely in the same boat. Bought this house in a rush as we were selling in a horrible area, our buyer was pushy so we just got out.

We’ve had to put on a new roof which now rattles. Replace cold water pipe across the whole length of upstairs leaving both bathrooms, hall, bedrooms with floor missing which led to replacing bathrooms and now 3 years on one isn’t usable.. shower trays not level so it floods.. floor is sinking so it’s like being in a funhouse.

So we need to do bathrooms again… we were just mugged off.
Kitchen needs redoing including floor. Hall laminate is all lifting up. Windows are 25 years old, draughty and don’t shut if you open them.

I have constant anxiety here. I hate it.
Stamp duty would wipe out our savings and hubby would only do that for a bigger house when we can’t afford bigger.

I’d downsize in a second to get out.

Oh and I understand the grotty feeling. No matter how much I paint or scrub.. windows need silicone or filler where it’s peeling.. ceilings are patchy from old lights.. kitchen cupboards faded in the sun, hinges don’t work.. handles coming off integrated appliances that we can’t get the doors off of.

Utility is a shit heap laundry, shed, gardening stuff, boiler etc dumping room.

Our front door step is sinking where the porch doesn’t have a gutter and there’s no where for one.. the step in more like a small patio so would be thousands to fix.

It sucks.
We fix something and we seem to make it worse.

Yep we have the same issues with window sills and sealant. Plus the windows are ancient and constantly full of condensation in a morning. I literally have to window vac them every morning. We’ve replaced some but again, it’s money so we can’t afford to do them all in one go. These are the things you don’t notice on viewings but become acutely aware of when you live here!

I see so many people in their 30s and 40s advertising for someone to put up a shelf or fix a door now. I mean who is a natural diy er? My DH and I have had to learn it over the years in order to save money. You can clean mould off a ceiling and repaint surely? I mean wherever you move to you are going to have to tidy, declutter and learn basic diy skills.

I'm terms of interior design then it's best just to go with what you like, not what you think you ought to like. And if it's mismatched and busy who cares? I'd rather see a home full of personality than the copy cat hotel/office waiting room style you see online.

How much loft insulation is there? That can make a huge difference. As can door curtains. Getting rid of cat flaps. Putting doors back into rooms that have been opened up with archways etc.

Consider a dehumidifier for the upstairs and think about how you are drying towels in winter.

Look on local giveaway pages. My DD hot 8 solid wood doors in great condition for free from one of ours simply as the previous owner was changing style

Her DH and brother in law have also been dismantling a kitchen in someone else's how and it's being reconnected in hers. Bought for £300 and may h better quality than she could afford

It helped me in your situation to do one room at a time (ignoring the rest) to a decent standard, rather than a bit here and a bit there, or a cheap all over temporary fix. (All this splashing cheap paint all over the house business is actually nowhere near as quick as people make it sound. And all it does is make it look a bit less bad, while not good enough to make you happy.)
That way you get one a room that's a sanctuary and place you're not embarrassed by, and a glimpse of what it can all be like in time. Very motivating.

I know I can fill the sealant back in. It’s pulling it out and then realising I’m out of my depth which puts me off along with the fact they’re ancient.

We used to have a massive condensation problem until we bought a dehumidifier: Ran it solidly for a few weeks and since then just a few hours a day. It removes so much water. It’s crazy. Makes it warmer too as the dry air it pumps out is warmer.

love it so much that I got a second to dry washing shut in the bedroom.

the windows are ancient and constantly full of condensation in a morning. I literally have to window vac them every morning

Some of that window film would help with this. Honestly, it’s a cheap fix and easy to put up.

Our front door step is sinking where the porch doesn’t have a gutter and there’s no where for one..

@Oucht you can create a soakaway fairly easily which should help with the soil erosion a lot, even stop it. YouTube has some brilliant tutorials for the different types (cage or hardcore). Many older houses were built with a soakaway at the bottom of downpipes instead of being connected to the sewage system and the majority of owners have no clue. All you need is a spade, hard-core and extra downpipe.

Edit - nvm I can't read, I read drain instead of guttering 🙄

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