Was my mum wrong to do this?

[Justenjoythepeace]

Since having my Dd, 7, it’s made me think a lot about my childhood and how mum in particular was/is. There are many things, but some of the most recent were when I was pregnant and with newborn Dd
I struggled for years to get pregnant, many operations and ivf, as a result of this and being a bit older, I was a bag of nerves, but v happy it had finally happened
I remember when my parents came to stay with us (6 months pregnant at this point) and my mum constantly talking about problems my dad had (he had bad mental health issues at the time) She kept telling me so many things, i’m a real worrier and as selfish as it sounds I just didn’t/couldn’t hear it. At this point, I had G diabetes and almost constant hospital appointments and scans due to being high risk.
When Dd was born, they came to stay shortly afterwards and I was happy but exhausted and trying to get to grips with new motherhood etc. Walks pushing Dd in the pram involved mum talking about dad and his problems again and his mental health and suicidal thoughts, it just made me so anxious and worried about him.
I probably sound really selfish, my mum has no friends as she often says, which makes me feel really sad for her, but I have told her it’s really hard, but you have to make the effort somehow

Am I a selfish Dd or was my mum in the wrong?

You are not being unreasonable neither are you your mums therapist, you need to have a discussion with her telling her that confiding in you is inappropriate and your not trained to advise her and perhaps give her a list of therapists. Just be honest and say your uncomfortable with her, put clear boundaries in place or she will continue to overstep if your not forceful with her

Your mum shouldn't be burdening you with her problems, especially not during a complicated pregnancy and when you are a new mum with a newborn to look after.

Has she always offloaded their issues onto you or is this only since your pregnancy. ?

I don’t think your mum was wrong, and I don’t think you’re wrong for not wanting to hear about other people’s problems.

Personally however, unless you had particularly bad PND, I would personally feel that my Dad having suicidal thoughts “trumps” the new baby exhaustion

If my dad had serious mental health problems and had been considering suicide, I’d want my mum to talk to me about it, however busy my own life was - both because he’s my dad and I love him and I’d want to know and do whatever I could to try to help, and because I’d want my mum to have somebody to talk to. She probably doesn’t think she’s burdening you with her “problems” - but it does sound as though she needs somebody to talk to about things more regularly so that she isn’t bottling it all up and then it all comes out at once when sh’s with you. Would she consider a therapist?

I disagree with everyone else. You were well. Your child was well. Why wouldn’t your mum share her worries about your dad. And why after 7 years are you thinking about this. I think it’s fine to discuss worries in a family. I don’t think she was asking you to support your dad or be therapy for her. She was treating you like an adult in her closest family. Would you expect your daughter to not share issues. And you to not share with her when she’s older. I think you’re wrong to think it’s inappropriate but others may think differently. I guess if you’re not close to your mum that would make a difference. I’d be ok with it. Pregnancy and motherhood is not something that renders you incapable of sympathy, empathy or listening skills.

Neither of you are “wrong”.
Both of you had a lot going on.
Sadly it seems you didn’t get much support from her in your time of need and she must equally be without support.
Now that you’ve taken note of this, it might be a good time to set boundaries in your relationship so that both of you can get the support you deserve.

She was wrapped up in her own head. People get like that especially if they are lonely sometimes. The last thing you need to be doing is overanalyzing which if you was being unreasonable. It sounds like you were just both "full up" with what was in your heads at the time and didn't have the bandwidth for each other.

People can only give what they are capable of giving. No point getting sucked into apportioning blame now. It's almost universal that people attribute more "deliberateness" /calculation/ intention into others' actions than was actually there.

What is your relationship with your parents usually like? Would you usually discuss these kinds of things and support each other through hard times? If a close family member was going through a crisis I would expect to be informed and support them through it, it wasn’t a random stranger feeling suicidal it was your Dad! I wouldn’t think somebody being 6 months pregnant would be reason enough for them to need to be shielded from the reality, I would say your father being suicidal trumps pregnancy in terms of a major life crisis even if you did have GD.

That said, I can see it was a lot to put on you when you had a new baby and maybe it wasn’t the right time for your mum to be heavily leaning on you at that point, but equally she may have thought you’d want to be kept in the loop regarding your own father. Gently I do think you are being a bit selfish here, although I do agree your mum needs to widen her support network.

This. 🙄

It was just bad timing. You can’t be insulated from the rest of what’s going on with your family just because you had a baby. It’s sounds like both you and your mum both needed support from each other at the time, and both reasons were equally valid. It’s a shame your mum didn’t have anyone else she could get support from so that it wasn’t all on you though, and I hope you were able to get support elsewhere too.

Was this all 7 years ago or am I misreading?

I think bad timing, your mum needed support about your dad's problems when you were not in a position to take on anything else. If only listening/advice i expect your mum didnt think it was too much to ask as not anything practical needed. Of course it would be a huge stress for you and I csn understand why you would rather she managed herself.

Your poor DM has no friends, no one to talk to, and her husband is suicidal….. I get you not wanting to hear it, but I think I’d be more worried than resentful in that situation.

I'd want my mum to be talking about something so significant with me and I'd want to support my parents. You weren't a child, you didn't need to be protected from your parents problems.

I don't think either of you were wrong.

It'd be a long 9 months if she couldn't talk to you about her problems and add to that the postpartum period, we're talking about a whole year.

Unfortunately life goes on when we're pregnant and we have to deal with all sorts of other things.

Sounds tough for both of you though.

She has sometimes but was extra when I was pregnant and Dd first born and nothing really since…she has my sister & brother living very nearby. My dad was ok in the end and has suffered with depression on and off years ago
He has had worse times in the past and it was all kept from me. When I was pregnant and Dd newborn, it was like it all came out at once then. I probably was being selfish, but I was so full of anxiety and just felt like I couldn’t cope with it at that stage

I know..I live away so only saw them twice during pregnancy and in the first year of Dds life
I suppose I am being selfish as we’d been through so much for so many years and it was hard as she’d just been born and I was a bit all over the place with no support

You probably needed/need to find a way to compartmentalise your Mums issues so that you canconcentrate on you and baby/child.

It's difficult when you're prone to anxiety

I don’t think either of you are particularly unreasonable but it’s just being incompatible with each other’s needs really.

I don’t think your mum is wrong to speak to you about these things in general, family is for support, but you weren’t in the right place at that moment to provide that. You both needed support at the same time and that meant neither of you had the bandwidth to provide that support- it’s unfortunate but does happen.

@Justenjoythepeace "I know..I live away so only saw them twice during pregnancy and in the first year of Dds life"

From your post I assumed she was round your house every hour of every day! If you hardly saw them then yes, you are being selfish. If my dad had suicidal thoughts I'd certainly want to know about it. Since when does close family have to get therapy instead of daring to talk to their nearest and dearest about serious issues? No wonder society is fucked up. Anyway, I don't see how your worries are any more valid than hers. Presumably you and your child are healthy and this was seven years ago. What do you hope to achieve?

If it was an isolated incident, that’s different but sometimes, parents who are used to looking for attention from their kids can be more inclined to do this when their child is having a baby (especially their first).
They are afraid you won’t be available to them for them to unload their problems/ give them attention/ validation because your baby will take priority and they are also put out by not being the centre of attention.
This is in the case they have personality disorders/ similar issues though.
My mum has EUPD and right after I had my first child (as in two days after), she announced she was back together with my dad. They’d been divorced for decades.
Within a week, she was crying on the phone and telling me he was abusive (again), she’d contacted women’s aid (this is what they were like when married, constantly fighting breaking up getting back together repeatedly) and then they “split up” again and wouldn’t speak to each other.
I told her straight out I had no headspace for her drama and she suddenly decided she was relocating to Spain (she never did).
When I didn’t react to that, she became suicidal (thankfully she didn’t harm herself, she has in similar circumstances in the past).
Eventually she calmed down but it took a long time.
I think you know deep in your heart if your parents are anything like this. Do they tend to only contact you to overburden with their problems? Do they seem to go from crisis to crisis, always needing support? Do you frequently feel like you’re the parent and not the other way around?
I think there’s a reason you are ruminating on this and the important thing is to work out why that is.

Eta: Sorry if it seems like I’m projecting, there’s just something about your post that seems familiar to my own experience.

I think you might be right, which is why I’m questioning it, not as severe as your situation, so sorry, sounds so hard, but I’ve often felt like I don’t receive much support and I find both my parents quite selfish and self absorbed. It’s taken me a long time to see it, but since being a mum myself, it feels like lots of things are becoming clear

If your dad had killed himself would you have been upset that your mum hadn’t told you she knew how he felt?

I have a post on mumsnet called 'Were you parentified as a child?'. I was. My mum always told me her problems and things that were so heavy and upsetting for me. It damaged me so much and I can completely relate to why you feel upset.