Was my mum wrong to do this?

[Justenjoythepeace]

Since having my Dd, 7, it’s made me think a lot about my childhood and how mum in particular was/is. There are many things, but some of the most recent were when I was pregnant and with newborn Dd
I struggled for years to get pregnant, many operations and ivf, as a result of this and being a bit older, I was a bag of nerves, but v happy it had finally happened
I remember when my parents came to stay with us (6 months pregnant at this point) and my mum constantly talking about problems my dad had (he had bad mental health issues at the time) She kept telling me so many things, i’m a real worrier and as selfish as it sounds I just didn’t/couldn’t hear it. At this point, I had G diabetes and almost constant hospital appointments and scans due to being high risk.
When Dd was born, they came to stay shortly afterwards and I was happy but exhausted and trying to get to grips with new motherhood etc. Walks pushing Dd in the pram involved mum talking about dad and his problems again and his mental health and suicidal thoughts, it just made me so anxious and worried about him.
I probably sound really selfish, my mum has no friends as she often says, which makes me feel really sad for her, but I have told her it’s really hard, but you have to make the effort somehow

Am I a selfish Dd or was my mum in the wrong?

This is a horrible, horrible comment. What a despicable way to put this on the OP.

I went through the same thing when I became a parent. It made me see my parents behaviour in a new light and really rethink things. My advice is if possible, don’t get too bogged down in analysing their behaviour (I did and it didn’t help). Just recognise it as unhealthy / unhelpful and be aware of it. If you find this hard to do and your mind keeps going over it, maybe try counselling or other therapy but again, with the aim of moving past it. When our parents (who are only human and sometimes don’t see anything wrong with their own behaviour) do things that aren’t in our best interest, it’s confusing- whether you are a child or an adult- and it’s natural that your brain tries to make sense of it. If your parents are manipulative, you may not realise it and find yourself questioning why you feel the way you do.
The answer is usually distance. Protect yourself by setting boundaries and sticking to them.

Is it though? She seems to feel like she should have been treated like the queen because she’s had the first baby ever on earth. I’m just saying that if her dad had committed suicide and she found out that her mum knew and didn’t tell her because she’s birthed the messiah would she wish she’d known? Or would she have been happy with her baby bubble and protecting the world’s first baby?

I think she was right to raise it with you, but also she didn’t think that perhaps you were the correct person. There a phrase called ‘trauma dumping’ where in essence someone doesn’t assess whether or not you are capable of listening to it all, They just catch you & you can’t leave and someone dumps all of this s**t on you. I think that’s probably what happened.

Also, most people won’t assess whether or not the person is able to hear their negativity, before blurting and all out. It’s something that I try to think about before having a difficult conversation with someone. But pretty much everyone I know just blurts drama out even if I’ve had the worst day, or if I’m ill, if I’m tired, I just get it both barrels for half an hour.

I think it was bad timing for your mum, and you didn’t need to tell you about it, probably at least 50% of it could’ve been confided in a friend and not her pregnant daughter.

Unfortunately this is life! You don’t exist in a bubble. You need to be there for each other. Your mum is experiencing g some really hard things.

Even the cynical way that you are referring to OPs child is unpleasant. You have intepreted the OP as being someone too absorbed in her precious first born to care about her father. What I am reading is a woman who is feeling vulnerable and who has probably been propping up her family's emotional needs for a long time, unwittingly, feeling like she doesn't have the capacity to support someone when she needs it, probably because she has been doing it unwittingly her whole life. OP, I could be wrong but this post strikes me as someone who is waking up to the fact that her emotional needs were ignored for a very long time prior to this happening. Is this right, OP?

Yes I think so, thank you x

I’m sorry you are feeling stressed and worried, this is a time where you need your parents support and probably don’t have much room to support them- understandably you have a new baby. It does sound like your Mom needs you though and she may not realise how much it’s affecting you if she is just offloading.

I would be worried though, if your Dad is having suicidal thoughts I think that is a crisis! Personally, I’d recommend booking a Drs appointment ASAP and making a point that your parents need to get help immediately. Once this is suggested, if nothing is done about it then I would say please don’t worry me anymore.

If your mom has no friends, maybe she could take your child to a regular baby class at a town hall or something, I noticed lots of grandparents take little ones and have made friends- this could help your Mom and give you a much needed break!

I see you latching onto the couple of posters that are perpetuating your feelings OP. But listen to the majority of views who understand why your mother shared with you and perhaps needed some support if only to talk. Perhaps some therapy for you would help you understand why you feel this was inappropriate and find a way to get over it. If you understand both sides better you can let it go and move on. You seem stuck in a state of ‘ I deserved better’ when your immediate family were in crisis. Im not saying there aren’t times in our lives where we feel our buckets are full and we can’t add to our worries. But we cannot control what’s happening to others that impact that and your father being seriously ill is such a case. You might not have wanted to have to deal with it. But it’s a fact of life that you did. He couldn’t change his illness to suit a better time for you.

What a ridiculous and utterly spiteful post. OP has had a long fertility journey and pregnancy problems which made her understandably anxious. She just didn't want her mum to offload her problems with OP's dad. She has said that both her parents are selfish and this is obviously par for the course with them.

You are trying to make out that OP is a precious attention seeker which is very far from the truth. You think that your hyperbolic language makes you sound clever but you just sound like a dick.

Yanbu.
you need to speak up for yourself and tell your mum you can’t be her therapist as you have too much going on to be leaned on by her.

Agree

This is my view too.

On balance I think you are being unreasonable OP. You do seem to basically think your mum was a nuisance to tell you what was going on in your close family. The idea it wasn’t ideal for you so she should not have told you is really quite selfish and I wonder did you even offer any support never mind empathy. I too found early motherhood very difficult with a sick baby but no way would I expect to be cushioned and cocooned away from the serious problems of my immediate family. It would be a shame if you are talked into falling out over something that happened so long ago. The important thing is does your family love each other, and do you try to support each other. It sounds like your mother isn’t perfect but she was treating you like an adult, which you are, especially now you are a mother.

I think the straight forward answer to this is to flip it on its head.

So, if your dad had carried out on his sucidial thoughts and killed himself, and in the aftermath your mum had said 'I wanted to talk to someone but you were pregnant/you'd just had the baby so I didnt feel I could' how would you have felt?

My guess would be your automatic response would have been 'it didn't matter, you should have spoken to me'

We've been under the crisis team with my DH years ago before we married and they don't do a lot. They offer someone to talk to, they offer to put you on drugs which make it worse for a few weeks.
Having been in your mums position, it absolutely breaks my heart to read this. I hope she never does!

Maybe this had been going on a long time and your mum didn't want to stress you out during IVF. The pregnancy doesnt sound like it was worringly complex.

I agree - I’d want to know if it was my dad