How much have you changed as you've got older?

[ToadMan]

I've just turned 40, married with kids. My husband is - without doubt - a sexist. If i talk about issues at work - he will make jokes about my female colleagues being on their period and he says distasteful things about women on tv. He gets mad when I question him.

I have known him for 15 years - married for 8. I don't know why i don't hate him - i just am totally disintersetd in him. I am disinterested in all men. I no longer get my attention and I am so happy wihth that - i used to LIVE for male attention. If I don't have sex every again - that would be fine with me.

I feel like a totally different person to how I was 15 years ago. I can't believe what i used to put up with. When i look back, every man in my life - from my father, to my brothers, to every boyfriend - I have acted in a way to please them, pretended to be stupid to make them feel better, adapted myself to appear 'cool'. I have put up with some horrendous & abusive stuff.

I'm not like that anymore. My husband says Ive changed and i'm cold and awful these days. Maybe I am. I just am not intersted in him and his moods. I couldn't care less anymore what he thinks about me.

I just wondered if other people feel this change so much? Sorry not to like a therapy session. But I just wonder if people go through this? Is this a mid life crisis? It doesn't feel like a crisis - it feels like i was in crisis beforehand!

How do people stay in happy relationships their whole life if we change so much?

Congratulations. You have reached the "I'm too old for this shit" stage of your life. Sounds like you need to make some big changes. Good luck.

Perimenopause?

Totally get that. I’m 47 and think I’ve changed too. How can you not with an extra 20 years life experience and 2 kids! With my childhood friends I’m still me but we’ve grown together as stronger albeit slightly more cynical women who give less of a fuck.

I’ve definitely changed as I’ve got older

I used to be SO bothered about what people thought of me but now I honestly don’t give a shit

I’m much less tolerant of people in general too

People do change as they age. None of us are the same as we were 15 years ago. Definitely as women age we become less people pleasing and our hormones no longer blind us to the failings of men.

It is possible to age, change and grow together and to be even happier together as you age and change.

I think your problem isn't you changing, that's normal and a good thing, it's that your partner is a thundering great moody, sexist arsehole. Embrace the change and ditch him. I know you say you don't hate him - but I hate him on your behalf.

LTB. This apathy is no way to live. This is a husband problem. Not a sign of getting older.

I love this stage of my life, it’s so freeing

Your husband sounds awful. But I would have said the same at age 18 about him let alone now when I’m 55. I’ve never cared about pleasing men nor about getting attention from them. I agree with @Floatingdownriver that this isn’t have ageing, this is about self-esteem.

Edit: But to answer the actual question, I’m just as intolerant now as I was when I was younger. I’ve never taken any prisoners. I suspect I do it with more charm now but that’s about it.

Yes sister i hear you.

Wrt random men: my interpretation of it is this - as we become 'no longer an object of desire' we slowly become ... well, what? they don't know what to do with us because they don't want to fuck us (past breeding age) fight us (not competition) or protect us (not family so not their property) 🤣

But more seriously - it's a funny time. I do still care what people think of me, but i have to get used to feeling different about the world. I'm very inclined to speak less and listen more these days. Also very cynical nowadays. You can see people for who and what they are very quickly and most people fall into one of quite a small number of catagories.

I don't get giddily excited about anything much any more. Things which seemed risqué and edgy now just seem daft and requiring too much energy.

I value time with my kids spent talking and laughing. I love DH although he has his faults. I have faults too god knows. I love xmas much much more than i ever used to. Don't know what that's all about ?!

Yeah, maybe this. He sounds awful.

Yikes well I’m not surprised you’re disinterested in your DH, he’s not a good man is he? I’m not quite yet 40 but been with my DH since teenagers, I love him more now than I ever have done, I hope that doesn’t change (he’s not sexist…)

I feel my politics shifting a bit, might be the current government but finding my tolerance being tested.

Definitely feel my confidence increasing, confidence in and acceptance of myself.

I don’t think it’s age that’s changed me but life experiences. Having kids and the shit show that has followed has affected me more than anything else. In saying that, I suspect navigating the dating world over the last 20 years would have affected me in a different way!

Congratulations OP, life and experience have broken the conditioning from your family.

LTB, you're too good to waste the rest of your life on him.

I don't think I've fundamentally changed through adulthood. I'm in my mid-40s and there have been some changes in the last 10 years, not sure if it's age/ hormones, life stage or experiences like the toll of the Covid years. I can't remember when I last felt excited which is partly from that phase when there were so many setbacks and plans that didn't come to fruition. I am more cynical than I once was (state of the world definitely a factor). Some things I CBAed with like the logistics of going to an overcrowded fireworks display. I still get out and do a lot, but that routine is enough and there's just not the extra capacity for extras like there was when I was younger with fewer responsibilities.
Oh and annoyingly I now go queasy on theme park rides.

Fucks sake. Poor sod. In 15 years you’ve never said you’ve changed your opinions on his sense of humour/outlook on life? Bloody be honest like you should have been the minute you had a differing view. Own your opinions. How’s he supposed to know???

Not everything is about hormones. We can actually mature and realise we don't need to pander to men any more!

But yeah, if we don't want to put up with any more of that nonsense then it must be hormones, or lack of! 🙄

Polar opposite to my old self. I know part is exhaustion with life, running around after kids, work, unable to keep up with housework, people I know getting sick and dying, but then myself and dh splitting sealed the deal. I miss my old self, I miss my enthusiasm and zest for life, I hate that I’m mistrusting, moany and naggy and always tired. I hate that I used to peddle the ‘you can do this’ crap without realising what real problems were and simultaneously miss it being my go-to. I’ve lost so many friends and family members because I’m negative now and it’s made me boring and a bad relative and friend (46).

I don’t blame you one bit OP. But why are you still with him? Get rid.

It’s the slow burn of them being twatty over the years. You try to talk to them but it gets ignored/patterns get repeated. I’m sure she’s bought up issues, They probably just didn’t get acknowledged.

Going against the flow here. I used to be quite angry and intolerant of people who didn't think exactly like I do.
I made a conscious effort to be more understanding and tolerant of differences as I got older.
And am a far happier person as a result.

I also used to live for male attention. My might out wasn't any good unless I got chatted up/flirted with/any male attention. I would spend the night in a pub with girl friends but I would be looking over their shoulders all night at whoever would give me a second glance.

That was many years ago.

Now, I couldn't give a shit who is in the pub. I go with friends for a good time and notice no one else

Definitely!

just as the pp said about being a snappy, opinionated, cow bag as a younger women, I’m far far more relaxed, more choosy about what I get angry about and how I express that anger.
Im more thoughtful, considerate and calmer.
Im tired, too tired to give a flying fuck nowadays.

But I’m also mindful of time flying by before my very eyes and how I’m not willing to waste a single minute on fucktards like your partner.
If I were you, he’d be long gone.

I dont really understand this post. I have tried to talk to him. But we are fundamentally different people. I honestly don't understand how we fell in love.

Yes Im also so aware of time flying by. This whole year....and I feel so middle aged, so disconnected from so much, I do love it. I'd happily be in my 40s forever i think. I am considering a rather large tattoo though which is definitely mid life crisis territory!

I'm less patient than I used to be. I'm less inclined to put up with bullshit. I care less about strangers think of me. I also want less things than I used to do. I struggle to come up with an idea when DH and adult DC ask me what I'd like for birthday or Xmas.

After leaving a misogynistic, angry, entitled, lazy and selfish husband 2 years ago I have discovered myself.
I used to be weak and scared to voice my opinion so eventually, I didn't have opinions. I was always trying to please other people and I had no confidence.
It's taken me 2 years to become me. I didn't know what music I liked, what food I really enjoyed and what hobbies I wanted to try.
I no longer tolerate any crap from anyone and have found my voice.
I think I'm more attractive now than at any stage of my life. I know what clothes I like and what looks good on me. I've redecorated my home in gorgeous, bold colours.
I know what I want and I know what I don't want, especially in a relationship. I won't tolerate a single red flag again.
A lot of friends my age, 54, have gained their strength as they have gotten older. Maybe once the children have flown the nest we start to look after ourselves more and give ourselves some attention.