When to call an end to a friendship, or am I being harsh?

[Hellskitchen24]

I’ll keep this brief. Friend I’ve known for 10+ years. Since I’ve had a baby, we’ve completed drifted. She’s been estranged from her adult children for a few years now. I have supported her through this and am always the one to initiate contact; she never texts me, never asks how I am since I’ve had the baby, and only I have initiated trying to meet. So far all of these attempts have been ignored. I just get a text back a week later saying how awful it’s been for her. I try and encourage conversation but it’s always just one text back and anything else is left on read.

I appreciate she’s been having a hard time for years but I’m bored of trying now. Is it time to give up? Or should I be more supportive, and keep doing what I’m doing? It’s a completely one sided relationship at the moment and it’s draining.

I would just stop reaching out and trying to meet up. You don’t need to explain to her why, just leave it be. She may eventually get in touch with you but it will probably be a while before she does.

I don't know what "call an end" means in the context of your OP.

Its up to you, support her if you feel you can/want to and she benefits, or just leave it and see if she contacts you.

It sounds like you have played your part trying to support her but if she doesn't reciprocate then yeah it's likely going to result in you two drifting apart. I'd stop making the effort personally.

As pp said just stop reaching out to her. Your lives are in completely different stages now - you with a baby and she has adult children who she is estranged from - and sometimes this can naturally cause friendships to drift unfortunately. It sounded like a one-sided friendship anyway and that was always going to cause resentment eventually.

I had a friend for 20 years before I woke up and faced the reality of how one-sided it was - don’t be that person who is always contacting them, supporting them, and there is nothing in it for you.

It sounds to me as though she has distanced herself. I think time to let this one slide.

I agree, I feel like she's made the decision she doesn't want to be friends with you anymore for whatever reason and is trying to let it drift but you keep messaging her

This doesn't sound like it's worth bothering with. I think friends both need to put some effort in to maintain a friendship. In your place, I'd stop contacting her and see if she realises and contacts you. When you're in different stages of life (i.e not much in common) it can be hard to sustain things, plus I dont like feeling I'm not getting any return for my efforts, sad though it may feel to lose the relationship.

It sounds very one sided to me. I’d just stop contacting her. She doesn’t sound like she’s been a very good friend anyway.

I wouldn't bother anymore.

Put your energy into your baby and yourself not this drain of a woman.

What does this connection bring to your life? If nothing or little, simply allow it to fade away

It sounds like you’ve made all the effort. I wondered if her becoming distant since you had your baby is due to realising she’s missing out on her own (potential) grandchildren.

Whatever the reason is, she’s pulled back and you’ve tried and tried to be there for her but it sounds like now is a good time to stop initiating contact.

There’ll be loads of mums with babies who would love a new, loyal friend who makes an effort to build a good relationship - focus your spare time and energy on meeting them instead.

Just let it drift.

She is and she is communicating to you quite clearly that she has no interest in continuing a friendship with you. Only you keep initiating contact so she feels she ought to reply occasionally rather than doing so because she wants to.

Her replying after a week to tell you how hard her life has been sounds more like her giving you an excuse/reason rather than her reaching out for support.

It's not you who will be calling an end to the friendship, she's already done it you just haven't realised yet.

Let her go. It doesn’t sound like a great friendship anyway.

You’re both in extremely (like really extremely!!) different places. To be honest if you have to ask the friendship is done. Just to advocate for her I’m sure she would love to be the friend you need, I’m going through a break up and I have teenagers and I know I’m not being a great friend to the friends I have that are all happy with young kids, I try to be but then all the crap comes out when they lightly even say ‘how are you’ and I know I’m dragging them down. I don’t want to be this person and I fight it but then the conversations we have sound forced and hollow as I’m holding my whole life back. I’d say let it drift and it might come back again

Just crack on with your own life. You've tried. Some long friendships just whither. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Let it go hard when its one sided efforts. Had few friends like her it fizzled out

Im in the same boat as you OP i have a been “friends” with this woman for 20+ years and it was always me texting her to see how she is, catch up etc and i just got fed up of always being the one to reach out so i stopped, that was 6 months ago and ive not heard anything from her, it sad because we were very good friends, her son still plays xbox with my son and daughter but i just had enough of always being the one to keep the friendship going, she hasn’t even met my 22 month old xx

Let her go, she sounds like shes deep in depression and doesnt really have the head space for others.

You don’t have to keep messaging her - it’s not your job to keep her relationships afloat. It must be incredibly painful to lose both of her children op, and to hear all about your baby.

Leave the door open for her to get in touch when she can, and you should get on and enjoy your baby and some new friends that share this stage with you.

I imagine she must be extremely depressed, she is going through the equivalent of a double bereavement of her own children op. I hope she has professional support.

That sounds really painful. You’re not dragging anyone down by being honest about your own life. I’d rather know if my friends were struggling.

Objectively, why are her AC NC with her? Has she been as distant, self-pitiful and selfish with them as she is with you?

This. I don't see what else you can do. You don't have to declare the friendship over.

These replies are interesting.

Why are so many people (women?) persisting in trying to keep a friendship going with someone who clearly isn't interested in being friends with them?

If you're describing someone as not getting back to you, not replying to messages, not wanting to meet up, it doesn't necessarily mean it's a flaw in them or that they're depressed. They might just not want to be your friend anymore.

A couple of big fallouts involving alcohol and a particularly spectacular fallout involving the daughter in law.