When to call an end to a friendship, or am I being harsh?

[Hellskitchen24]

I’ll keep this brief. Friend I’ve known for 10+ years. Since I’ve had a baby, we’ve completed drifted. She’s been estranged from her adult children for a few years now. I have supported her through this and am always the one to initiate contact; she never texts me, never asks how I am since I’ve had the baby, and only I have initiated trying to meet. So far all of these attempts have been ignored. I just get a text back a week later saying how awful it’s been for her. I try and encourage conversation but it’s always just one text back and anything else is left on read.

I appreciate she’s been having a hard time for years but I’m bored of trying now. Is it time to give up? Or should I be more supportive, and keep doing what I’m doing? It’s a completely one sided relationship at the moment and it’s draining.

Is she drinking or are one or both dc alcoholic?

if it is your friend then you have your answer. Her only friendship is likely to be with the bottle. That’s what addiction looks like.

Yes I see this. Obviously this has all been going on long before my daughter (who’s 6 months) was born. I barely mention my daughter so it’s not that. This is despite the fact she said she wanted to be really involved.

She’s a drinker.

Yes, let it end.
She will help to make the effort to repair the friendship, if she notices.

I would let this friendship go op, she doesn’t have the capacity for true reciprocal friendship.

You deserve to have friends that are interested and care for you.

I would message her and say you have tried really hard to be a good friend to her but she has lots going on in her life, and you will wait for her to make contact when the time is right and pull right back.

She may need to hit rock bottom before she addresses her addiction, and what it is doing to her closest relationships.

It sounds like you would be better off with more friends of your own age let her go OP.

Op you are a new mother, enjoying time you will never get back with your baby - I wouldn’t waste any more time on this. Be happy, enjoy your baby

And there we have the nub of it. She isn’t responsibly drinking, she’s been outspoken and unkind to her DiL, she’s lost her AC and doesn’t value your friendship. Walk away OP.

So she’s an alcoholic who has fallen out with her own children about it and treats your friendship as a totally one way source for support for her without ever offering support to you in return. I can be a bit of a mug when it comes to trying to help people who won’t help themselves, but even I can see she’s not worth it. Stop chasing after her a focus on building new friendships with other new mums.

Thanks all. I think I’ll just not contact her unless she contacts me, but I expect that will be never.

YANBU, and honestly it sounds like you already know the answer, you just want someone else to say it's okay to act on it.

There's a difference between supporting a friend through a hard time and being the sole engine keeping a friendship alive while getting nothing back — not even basic reciprocity like asking how you are since having a baby, which is a pretty big life event to go unacknowledged. You've been doing the initiating, the checking in, the emotional labour, for what sounds like a long stretch now, and it's had one week-late text and radio silence as the return on that.

It's worth separating "she's going through something hard" from "therefore the friendship must continue exactly as is, indefinitely, on entirely your effort." Those aren't the same thing. You can hold compassion for her situation with her estranged children while also recognising that a friendship needs at least some two-way engagement to actually function as a friendship, rather than you doing unpaid emotional support work with no relationship coming back the other way.

You don't have to make a dramatic announcement or have a big confrontation. It's entirely reasonable to just quietly stop being the only one making effort — send less, chase less, and see what's actually left when you're not the one propping the whole thing up. If she notices and re-engages, that tells you something. If she doesn't notice at all, that also tells you something, and probably answers your question.

You're allowed to be bored of one-sided effort. That's not harsh, that's just noticing an imbalance that's been going on too long.

This is an old thread.

They should at least be straight with them if their friendship ever meant anything at all.

If it's a completely one sided relationship, then it's not a friendship. Put it out of it's misery.

Yes, it sounds like she’s already long since ‘called an end’.