Suicide and blame

[Gondola360]

I had been estranged from my mum for two years when she took her own life. I loved her dearly but I couldn’t cope with her behaviour anymore. She was very volatile with me and I started to get ill with the stress of it all. Lots happened, it wasn’t something I decided on a whim.

This was a few years ago now and I’ve recently found out that my dad found that around the time of her death she was on forums about estrangement from adult children and was chatting to people online about it. So, was her suicide my fault? It feels like it and it’s awful.

No it's not your fault at all, not in any way. I know the pain of suicide and the heartache is like nothing else but I promise you that you are not to blame.

No it’s not your fault. I am sure you would not have made the decision to go NC easily, but did it for a reason, her behaviours? She chose to behave in that way

She may well have been looking on sites to see what she needed to do to make it better but She chose to commit suicide, that was her decision and nothing to do with you

No one is respons8ble for another s decision

Contact Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide - Overcoming the isolation of people bereaved by suicide share.google/YvBZjm0ecpUp6T6cQ

Who the F is considers the OP unreasonable? Must be a lot of estranged parents on here trolling the vote.

NO, OP. It's not your fault. We don't control what other people do and if they are volatile with us we can only protect ourselves by severing ties.

I don’t know how to vote on this without it being open to misinterpretation.

But no. None of this is your fault. But guilt is a very normal stage of grief. And grief looks different to different people. Please reach out to support groups. You deserve the space to explore your emotions and unpack everything in confidence. But again, this was absolutely not your fault.

Absolutely not OP, under any circumstances.
Keep your distance from your father.
No decent father would tell you that.
Protect yourself from him too.

You stepped away from your mother to protect your mental health.
What your mother chose to do is on her.

I hope you consider therapy. It sounds as if you have suffered deeply.

Absolutely not. People who take their own lives are very unwell and the decision is a complex one with lots of contributing factors. Your mum clearly led a troubled life that you didn't cause and couldn't cure. Please don't place too much weight on the forums. This means only that the estrangement was something she thought about. It doesn't mean it was the cause or even the trigger for her decision.

Absolutely not your fault. It was her choice to take.

No. It is not your fault. Coping with the suicide of a loved one is hard enough, without taking on guilt. Your mom.made the decision to do this. My partner did the same. I had no idea he was feeling so unwell. I am not being harsh just stating the facts. It has been nearly 4 years since this happened to.my partner. I still can't understand it. He had periods where it was obvious that he was unwell. His behaviour towards me, apathy and being disconnected, nearly broke me. I understand OP. Please be kind to yourself.

Not your fault OP. Your mum must have been a very unwell lady. But she made the choice and the accountability for that lies with her, not you.

I think the voting is confusing - "yabu to think it was your fault" or "yanbu, of course it wasn't your fault"

OP so sorry you're feeling like this, but honestly you did what was right for you at the time. We can't live like our lives thinking "I better not do X or someone might kill themselves"

Your dad is a fucking bastard for telling you that and I'd consider how much if a parent he really is.

Might be unpopular but I don't think suicide is ever anyone's fault.

I think the person who decides to take their life has lost all rational thought and processing. Their mental illness makes them think that it's a good decision or that is the only thing that will stop their mental anguish and torture.

You are absolutely NOT to blame for her suicide. She wasn't even in a right thinking frame of mind.

Please be kinder to yourself.

It’s not your fault of course

but none of us have the warts and all details of why you decided to go no contact and that may or may not have been a contributing factor in her decision to take her life but contributing factors doesn’t equal blame

It's not your fault full stop. It's appalling that you felt the need to write the rest. Shame on you.

I really feel for you. Is horrible to lose mum anyway. You may need closure, maybe some time out.

I went through a very stressful time with my family six years ago, they all used me as the free therapist and stressed me out like crazy. I should have cut contact, or had better boundaries but I didn't and put their needs ahead of my own despite fantasising about faking my own death so i didn't have to deal with them anymore.

Because of the stress they caused I got very sick with ME/CFS, some days I couldn't walk up the stairs without help (I used to do hour dance classes and then swim lengths before I got sick). My health is still bad although there have been slight improvements but I still barely have a life because of my illness. Stress really does destroy bodies. Sometimes you need to take care of yourself, I wish I had. I've lost years of my life because I put other people who were making me ill first.

I'm sorry your mother made the choice she did, but it's not your fault. If I could go back in time I would take care of myself like you did. xx

Unfortunately it's the same with me and my siblings and my mother...she has a severe personality disorder and was very abusive and delusional, but in her mind everyone else is the problem and she is mistreated and alone. I'm sure she is on these estrangement forums as well. It's just a really horrible situation. My heart goes out to you.

Her volatility with you may have been caused by mental health issues and those same MH issues may well have led to her death. You cannot be held responsible for someone else's behaviour OP, you can only control your own behaviour and protect yourself.

No way your fault ! Sorry you are going through this . 😥

OP, the suicide was absolutely not your fault. The only person responsible for any suicide is the person (ie the deceased) themselves. There is no reason at all for you to feel any guilt.

Agreed voting is confusing.

It is definitely not your fault.

This was not your fault.

In fact, the opposite. It is likely that the mental illness or instability which caused the volatile behaviour towards you in the first place, also contributed to her decision to die by suicide.

I hope that, with time, you can remember some good times and love.

It's not your fault. I'm posting as a person who attempted to end their life. My illness caused me to feel suicide was the only option, and it wasn't rational. It's never anyone else's fault, just the illness. Nobody could have done anything to prevent me from making that decision. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now, and I hope this thread alleviates some of your pain.

@Ihavepaidalotforthisstory

i said in my post contributing factors don’t equal blame