Suicide and blame

[Gondola360]

I had been estranged from my mum for two years when she took her own life. I loved her dearly but I couldn’t cope with her behaviour anymore. She was very volatile with me and I started to get ill with the stress of it all. Lots happened, it wasn’t something I decided on a whim.

This was a few years ago now and I’ve recently found out that my dad found that around the time of her death she was on forums about estrangement from adult children and was chatting to people online about it. So, was her suicide my fault? It feels like it and it’s awful.

Its not your fault. I work with suicidal people and have been a suicidal person.

There is never one factor. I once attempted "because" someone had said something to me that was negative in a work situation. They were completely right, and it was completely in their role to do so. They weren't unkind. However it triggered off a whole serious of thoughts, patterns and a spiral that was absolutely not their responsibility.

We all do things that upset others, its an inherent part of life. If I annoy a man in a pub, and he goes home and takes it out by hitting his wife is that my fault? Is it her fault if she annoyed him? No the big emotion lies within that person solely

I can tell you now as a healthier person, I could recieve that same feed back now with zero ripple because the underlying issue isnt there.

Definitely not your fault but I don't know if I've voted correctly? I picked YANBU because you did nothing wrong, but I could equally have picked "YABU to think what happened is your fault"

Oh I would also add that often in the aftermath of terrible events, people look to blame someone.

People want to feel like it was explainable, because of one bad thing/ one bad person because the reality of the fragile web of people's life and health is too hard. They are looking to find a way not to blame themselves so seek another thing to blame

All that hurt and anger needs a place to go, and often people scrabble for reasons to aim it all somewhere.

People want to know that it wont happen again or wont happen to them and its too painful to accept that sometimes bad things happen unexpectedly no rhyme or reason.

I would assume you probably had a good reason to limit contact, and you were doing the best you could in a difficult situation. However you might already have been in the family scapegoat role, and sadly that might continue.

Its really important that you speak to people outside of that dynamic, to people who arent looking to find someone to blame, and dont have a vested interest in making you hold their guilt. You might be better looking for reassurance from friends etc than within the family

Many years ago my first husband and I had an amicable divorce. Some months later he committed suicide. I felt responsible, at least in part, until someone said to me 'perhaps if you'd stayed together he would have done it sooner'. So I would say, very gently, you don't know why she was on those forums. For all you know it may have been to come to terms with her own feelings about the estrangement, which may not have been all bad, You just don't know.

Just be aware that sometimes the utter unpredictability of life and death can be so terrifying that it's actually easier to choose to believe that you have more control than you actually do. But there's a huge difference between being involved in something and being responsible for it. She was your mother, no doubt you were in her thoughts, as were probably many other people and ideas, some of which may have been rational, others less so. You are no more responsible than anyone else.

Her life. Her choice.
Nothing to do with your relationship.
She wasn’t right for years.

No, OP. Not your fault. She sounds like a troubled woman and I hope shes at peace now.

Maybe I miss understood, I vote she was unreasonable as in unreasonable to think that she was to blame in any way 🤔

The estrangement was probably one in the last of a very long line of incidents; you are definitely not responsible. No matter how upset she was at various different factors in her life, one person can undergo those and push through, but your mother could have been tipped into suicide by them, but it's due to her individual make up.

I would say though, her behaviour may have been symptoms of a larger issue. Sometimes conditions or illnesses can manifest that way, but you may or may not have some answers to those questions. Your father had absolutely no right to place that sort of responsibility on you. Your mother may have been looking for ways to heal the relationship, or just sad because she missed you, which is just as likely.

She was your mother and will have loved you deeply.

I do not think she would have wanted you to blame yourself. Even if she had, it wouldn't have been true. Do not listen to your father, he will have his own guilt to deal with, which he may be trying to deflect on to you.

No it’s not your fault. No one is responsible for the decision other than the individual who choses to commit suicide.

I couldn't work out how to vote either but 100% not your fault - you are not in any way responsible for your mother's choice here. The same factors that led to your separation probably led to many other challenges in her various relationships and world view and maybe combined the impact of that will have contributed to her choice - but she is responsible for that choice, not you.

I meant to say that she may have been looking online because she was sad, or perhaps wanting to heal the relationship, but not because her decision to commit suicide was because of you, far from it. She probably genuinely missed you, but that doesn't mean that it drove her to take her own life.
I suspect she was very unwell, and couldn't cope with her illness any longer.

OP, your mum made a decision and a choice. It was hers to make and it wasnt and could be about you. I’m not saying it was okay or in anyway minimising the decision but it’s the biggest choice one can ever make. It was hers and hers alone. Believe me. It could never be about someone else. Take care.

I'm not sure which way to vote which I think is where the confusion is- but it is absolutely not in any way your fault. She was obviously very unwell and you didn't cause this.

This is not your fault. I also think you should remove the poll as the vote is very confusing. x