For deciding to report past abuse against my son if he asks SS for contact with my ex husband

[atmywitsend1989]

I know ive already made a post recently about his abhorrent behaviour when coming over to stay with us at the weekend (he is in a care home) and I do need to take some distance for my safety and the safety of my daughter. But I'm second guessing my lack of action today on a disclosure he made. DS disclosed childhood sexual abuse a little over a month ago. He told me to not report. I havent told social services or the police so far. I was told that I shouldnt, as it would further damage our relationship when asking for advice but I can't help but feel like I'm staying silent about it all. In the past my son criticised me for being a passive, poor mother for staying with my husband fornas long as I did when would he hit and for once I feel like I'm proving that.

Today I rang his placement to speak to them about an unrelated money issue but they also gave me an update and said that hes eating fine and went out today but that he wants me to know that he wants to see / live with his father. Hes hinted at this before. My ex husband lives abroad but before and after our marriage, he used to frequently travel to the UK for periods of time. He has PR I believe as hes on the birth certificate of both of my kids. Before this he's only had his father's contact details as far as I'm aware

The guilt is gnawing at me. I see why he wouldnt want to disclose to the police. My daughter was assaulted by a non relative outside and I reported it. The charges were dropped. I reported an assault 20 yrs ago myself and the result was similar. But my heart is telling me that it would be wrong to not report if he does propose living with him/having unsupervised contact with him to his social worker. Im not saying he needs to live with me if he really doesn't want to. I dont expect him to at this point, I'd be willing to have him home if his behaviour improves in the future but that depends on him. I just want him anywhere butnwith my ex if the allegations are true, at least while he's legally a child if my hands are tied when he's an adult

I've suggested that he mention it to his CAMHS therapist but he told me that he won't. I'm not in his sessions so I don't know what they discuss nor do I expect to be told all the details.

I havent been able to sleep for these last 2 days over him, I didn't go to work today either. My daughter asked if I was crying when I picked her up from school today.

I'm not sure I've understood correctly - but if your son is still a child, and the person who he said perpetrated the abuse was his father, and he is going to potentially have unsupervised contact with him, or live with him, then you need to let your sons placement know in order to safeguard your son.

I haven't seen your previous post so don't know how old your son is or why he's in a care home but if you believe he's been sexually abused by his father then I think you have a responsibility to disclose this to social services and safeguard your son.

Is your son a child? You could do with providing all the info or linking to your previous post

Sorry, yes, he's 16. I know that's a murky place legally but he's classed as a child in need according to SS

I don’t understand why you aren’t reporting ex anyway? Your child has been sexually abused! Has he sexually abused both children? Have you checked?

I would feel duty bound to report him firstly to protect your children and especially when your ex is roaming scott free. God help some other woman who gets with him unwittingly and exposes other possible minors to him, if they havent already.

My daughter previously said that the first time she'd been assaulted sexually was by the stranger (during the report & in private when we talked about it, she was a teen). My ex husband wasnt always there and would belittle and emotionally or physically abuse me when he was, he spent periods abroad for over half the year even during our marriage (later found out that he had another wife.. who can't have children thank god) but he would take out my son for fun days and often neglected to take DD along under the pretense of wanting to spend time with his male child . DS hasn't said when the abuse occurred, only that he was smaller but the timing would be fitting if it was during those days 😢

But now I'm not sure. DD could have lied to protect my feelings or because she thought it would help the case. Or because she was under stress . I don't know if it happened to her too.

So why haven’t you reported it??

does nobody realise the reason OP isn’t reporting it?

1. charges like this are mainly ‘he said’ ‘she said’, he’d have to have an overwhelming amount of evidence for someone to get prosecuted
2. he told her not to tell. If somebody told me something like this, I’d offer support and not speak until they are ready regardless of who they are to me.

im just a little confused on the part of your ex husband and your son.. whose placement? Is your DC in a psych ward? Or are you contacting your ex husband?

is it confirmed the SA was from your ex husband? Or did he say he was SA’d by somebody and didn’t mention names? Many boys like to talk to their fathers about this stuff. I’d allow a supervised visit, maybe with a social worker or yourself if your son is comfortable.

sorry, I didn’t really understand this story and would love to help, if anyone could, could they explain this in simpler terms etc.. sorry!

wishing you the best OP

How would a supervised visit with the man who sexually assaulted him help exactly? Especially when the social worker hasn’t been told? Really struggling to see the logic of sitting someone in a room with their abuser to have a chat about it, he’s 16

OP’s son is in care. SS are aware of the physical abuse from the father but not the sexual abuse from father and uncle. Child doesn’t live with her because he is gay and she has made anti gay stance very clear to him.

“but he would take out my son for fun days and often neglected to take DD along under the pretense of wanting to spend time with his male child . “

i assume this is why he wants to see him. His DF is probably the ‘cool’ parent to him and he would prefer to talk to him about this.

is your ex civil in any way? So if you organised DS to come see him would your ex be calm and collective when speaking with you? Your mental health is important too.

DS hasn't said when the abuse occurred, only that he was smaller but the timing would be fitting if it was during those days

so its not confirmed it’s his father?

trying to get sense of all this

Not sexual abuse but physically my ex hit our dc. I never knew. Once he became too infirm to chase them upstairs it stopped. Dc still saw him every week. And by the fucking huge tacky tattoos they had when he died they forgave him.
Nowt as weird as dc ime.
Imo your dc will not take kindly to any sort of reporting.

“DS hasn't said when the abuse occurred, only that he was smaller but the timing would be fitting if it was during those days”

I don’t think she’s confirmed it’s his father unless I’ve completely misread the text.. is this a second part of something because many people seem to know much more context about this..

@ToKittyornottoKitty

Me and DS have a very difficult relationship at the moment, he's been violent ect and I didn't want to betray any trust we've built. On one hand it's giving him autonomy on the other I feel really uneasy and ill considering that he supposedly wants to reconnect with him and the possibility of DD being involved. I've also considered that he doesn't actually want to and is just rebelling against me or provoking me

OP is a regular poster

He told me it was his father but did not clearly tell me how old he was at the time.

Who’s in care, your ex or your son?

It was clear she was talking about the boys father

Why would her ex be in care? He’s an adult who lives abroad?

is this a second part of something because many people seem to know much more context about this

It's in the first line of the OP.

But I think the OP should've linked to her previous thread.

ah..! thank you for context…

if father is okay with the son being gay I’m pretty sure that’s the reason he wants to speak with him.

ds could have been sa’d by someone else because right now it isn’t confirmed.

Im sure DS will not take getting reported lightly as id say he might be trying to rekindle him and OPs relationship..

Have you asked your som why he would want to live with someone who abused him?

He told his mum his father had sexually assaulted him, how is that not confirmed?

The first post doesnt make this clear at all.
know ive already made a post recently about his abhorrent behaviour when coming over to stay with us at the weekend (he is in a care home) and I do need to take some distance for my safety and the safety of my daughter
Who is the ‘he’?