For deciding to report past abuse against my son if he asks SS for contact with my ex husband

[atmywitsend1989]

I know ive already made a post recently about his abhorrent behaviour when coming over to stay with us at the weekend (he is in a care home) and I do need to take some distance for my safety and the safety of my daughter. But I'm second guessing my lack of action today on a disclosure he made. DS disclosed childhood sexual abuse a little over a month ago. He told me to not report. I havent told social services or the police so far. I was told that I shouldnt, as it would further damage our relationship when asking for advice but I can't help but feel like I'm staying silent about it all. In the past my son criticised me for being a passive, poor mother for staying with my husband fornas long as I did when would he hit and for once I feel like I'm proving that.

Today I rang his placement to speak to them about an unrelated money issue but they also gave me an update and said that hes eating fine and went out today but that he wants me to know that he wants to see / live with his father. Hes hinted at this before. My ex husband lives abroad but before and after our marriage, he used to frequently travel to the UK for periods of time. He has PR I believe as hes on the birth certificate of both of my kids. Before this he's only had his father's contact details as far as I'm aware

The guilt is gnawing at me. I see why he wouldnt want to disclose to the police. My daughter was assaulted by a non relative outside and I reported it. The charges were dropped. I reported an assault 20 yrs ago myself and the result was similar. But my heart is telling me that it would be wrong to not report if he does propose living with him/having unsupervised contact with him to his social worker. Im not saying he needs to live with me if he really doesn't want to. I dont expect him to at this point, I'd be willing to have him home if his behaviour improves in the future but that depends on him. I just want him anywhere butnwith my ex if the allegations are true, at least while he's legally a child if my hands are tied when he's an adult

I've suggested that he mention it to his CAMHS therapist but he told me that he won't. I'm not in his sessions so I don't know what they discuss nor do I expect to be told all the details.

I havent been able to sleep for these last 2 days over him, I didn't go to work today either. My daughter asked if I was crying when I picked her up from school today.

I think I misread it, sorry. I read the top part and must have skimmed over the part where op wrote about ex allegations.

in that case, he shouldn’t be anywhere near his father. Have you asked him why he wants to see him?

Read the whole opening post, she even talks about phoning her sons placement and her ex living abroad, son wanting to visit him…

The OP even quoted you and told you, and I’ had quoted and told you… you skim a lot!

no need to get pissy, I haven’t seen ops post yet, I was reading her previous posts to get a background.

without knowing context for everything, I’d say it’s difficult to understand what’s going on as this post is all over the place.

It’s not ‘pissy’, you repeatedly advising the OP she should let her son visit her sexually abusive dad because you aren’t reading things properly is poor advice to give

ah, sorry, I completely missed this the notification didn’t come up.

regardless of the time, you mustn’t let your son see this. I hadn’t known everything when I first posted and I was wrong. I thought you were assuming it was his father without your son telling you.

from what I’ve read your sons behaviour is appalling, though I understand he’s had a bad childhood.

sit him down, buy him a treat and ask him to talk about it with you.
do be aware many people despise to talk with parents about issues like this so be prepared for backlash..

if this is too much for you don’t do it and refuse. Unless they’ve emancipated him (which they can’t in the uk), he cant choose now.

there was something I’d read on, where victims purposely returned to abusers as a traumatic response and I’m suspecting this might be the case…

keep yourself safe op xx

before I knew he was sexually abusive. I only figured out after reading her separate threads.

Well, regardless, I apologize to you,

and I apologize to OP.. please do not listen to what I wrote before! I have figured out the context behind all of this and do not send your son to that abuser, god, he sounds terrible..

For a 16 year old to be in a care home, I would assume he is severely disabled in some way?

He has been removed by SS. It’s rare a child that age would get a place in a foster home. It’s a children’s home for teenagers removed by SS.

From what I’ve read up on, he was assumed to have obsessive compulsive disorder and had a thing with impulsive (?) thoughts.. he’d told this to his cahms therapist and they told OP… But he was discharged I think(?) or he was said to not have it with no ocd.. if I’m wrong please correct me..

edit: he wasn’t sent to a care home because of this the social services had taken him..

You absolutely have to report this to both the police and social services. He is 16 years old so still a child. You have a duty of care. Do your job.

Ah ok, my mistake. I would call it a children’s home, or group home or similar, in my mind a care home is for old people or very disabled people! Silly of me I know

You're right.