Argument with DH over childcare

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I’ll try and keep this short. I work PT and have two weekdays off work to look after our DS. He has been a handful today and I’ve asked DH if he’d consider not going to the gym after work as he has planned. I’ve asked this on the odd occasion previously too.

DH says that me being off work is my choice and we could put DS into nursery for an extra day or two if I didn’t want to have stressful days, and I could work and contribute more money to the household.

AIBU to feel like he’s being unnecessarily awkward and should be willing to forgo the gym to help me out?

It might not be a choice but rather a practical decision.

I used to work evenings and weekends to save childcare costs, me working full time would have just about made us break even at best with just one child let alone two.

Just before my youngest started school I switched to school hours with 2 days off in the week. I used the free hours to put him in nursery 3 days a week whilst I worked and stayed at home with my child twice a week. I wouldn't have made any money working extra days so me staying at home wasn't a choice, just a practical decision.

Asking him to miss the gym on the odd occasion isn't all that unreasonable but it depends how often it's asked and if he could go another day instead. Being at home with a child all day can be mentally difficult but it makes no sense to use nursery if it doesn't make any money or even loses you money.

@Illbethereinaminute "Asking him to miss the gym on the odd occasion isn't all that unreasonable but it depends how often it's asked and if he could go another day instead. Being at home with a child all day can be mentally difficult but it makes no sense to use nursery if it doesn't make any money or even loses you money."

Yes. The proposed solution isn't proportionate to the problem and suggests there is a bigger tension underneath.

He’s been a handful not ill, I could cope with that tbh and if my husband asked me to miss my swimming and go home because my sons been a handful I’d be fuming 😬

He has the sort of valid point a dickhead would make.

I think he’s being unkind. My reasoning is that you/he acknowledge that looking after your 3 yo atm is the harder of the jobs available to you. But he is putting that entirely down to your choice. But it’s better for your 3yo to not spend most of their waking hours without a loved one, study after study have shown that. So, yes, you have chosen it, but it’s also better for your son, and he isn’t acknowledging that. It’s also sad that he wants his life what 5 days a week to be work, gym and what - ten minutes with his son? What’s the point if having kids?

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You’re being a bit unreasonable asking him to skip the gym because you’ve had a tough day, although DH and I will occasionally do that for each other. I think he is being harsh about your PT working. You are trying to strike a balance between nursery and nurturing your son at home. He should respect that you are doing that in the best interests of your shared child. And I say that as a FT working Mum.

This would be a good problem solve I’d say.

Personally I’m really surprised at what seems to be most of the responses to this one.

The OP is asking her husband, the father of ‘their’ child, to skip his hobby occasionally to help and support as she’s knackered and it’s been a tough day with ‘their’ child. Yet, OP is being unreasonable? Wow.

His response though, clearly does highlight that this was not a parenting decision he was in agreement with and it may need a rethink/review.

Good luck!

This.

This.

Maybe he needs more 1 on 1 time with child…

Surely if the agreement is that you are off work those 2 days to look after your child, that doesn't mean only when he's having a good day?

What benefit? That the child gets to stay at home with a stressed mother?

Is he not happy for you to be working part time? Is he finding being the main breadwinner stressful? Would he rather go part time and you be full time?

What discussions have you had around this arrangement?

It’s not childcare it’s parenting!! You are asking him to come home from work to parent and spend time with his child!!

No, she wants him to come and take over because she's stressed after choosing to spend all day with her toddler instead of working and using childcare.

She's free to work full-time like her DH and use a nursery if she's struggling.

The OP is asking her husband, the father of ‘their’ child, to skip his hobby occasionally to help and support as she’s knackered and it’s been a tough day with ‘their’ child.

I see OP's husband going to the gym as part of his health maintenance, not a hobby. She wants him to forgo his health maintenance because she's stressed by the kid she chose to go part time so she could be home with. I think that's unreasonable. She also said in her OP that she has asked him to do this before. So this isn't a one off. And their child is in nursery already, just part time.

You know what's also really stressful? Being the main breadwinner and doing his fair share of parenting which OP said he does. If he goes down, what then?

So yes, if she can't handle staying home with their child, she should go back to full time and put their child in the nursery full time.

She had one stressful day with a toddler. It happens.

Absolutely agree, absolutely annoying when women describe them self as ‘full time mummy’… as if parents who work abdicate their parental responsibilities when at work! 🤨

She says herself this isn't the first time she's asked her DH to skip the gym because she's had a bad day, though.

If she wants to stay home, that means dealing with the shit days as well as the good ones.

Wow! You can want to do something and find joy in it and still find it hard. He also has a child now. It doesn’t hurt to change a plan every now and then to parent.

Of course she can find it hard.

But that doesn't mean getting your partner to give up their hobbies to help you with something you've voluntarily decided to do.

If this was a man struggling with a toddler, everyone would be saying "Don't you dare give up the gym - he can cope with his own child".

Where did she ask him to give up a hobby? I’m pretty sure she asked him to skip a day.

Also, I’m guessing, they both chose to have a child. Part of that is parenting.

Yes, she asked him to cancel his hobby for the day.

And yes, they both chose to have a child, but OP is the one who decided to give up two days at work to do full-time childcare. If she's struggling, she should go back to work and use nursery, not expect her DH to cancel his hobbies because she's had a bad day.

The irony here is,if OP was to go back yo work, gecwoukd have less time for the gym.

Unless he means she works full time plus still does the majority of the parenting

Does he make time for you to go to the gym? Or do your hobby?