Worried about DD unable to get over her ex

[Jennasmamam]

My DD and I are very close, she is in her 20s and has had 3 long term relationships. The first one ended quite abruptly but she cried for about a week then went on with life. The next guy was lovely, genuinely adored DD but she broke up with him as she found him quite “boring”, the most recent guy though seems to be haunting her. They were together for almost 2 years, they broke up on New Year’s Eve so 10 months ago. They had broke up briefly before that in the summer and briefly in the summer before too. He was a nice enough guy but very flakey.
DD and him have maintained a very close friendship, he calls her after dates ffs! DD has been on dates since they broke up and has had 2 people she dated for a little while (about 6 weeks each then she decided they weren’t right for her), however she seems to be still not over her ex. This morning she called me a bit upset, I asked why and she told me she had a dream where she ran into him and he had a child with someone else. She’s admitted the thought of him with someone else makes her feel sick. She has also told me that she thinks it’s just because he doesn’t want her, in the case of both her exes prior to him it was either a mutual break up or she did it, this is the first time someone has broken up with her. I don’t think their friendship makes it any easier, they talk most days, tell each other about their dating life etc.
DD has already had therapy and stopped going after 4 months as she felt it wasn’t helping.
Shes been very honest with me and said she doesn’t see much point in dating right now as even if it’s good she ends it 6 weeks later and it’s always because she feels bad for not being over her ex.
DD is my only child and I got married to her dad at 21 and we are still together so I don’t have much experience in the world of heartbreak.
AIBU to be worried about this? 10 months feels like a long time to still be waking up crying about the thought of him with someone else?

She needs to go NC with her ex.....
Bloody heartbreak
So you sound like a lovely mum, keep supporting her x

Ongoing friendship with her ex is stopping her from moving on.
Have been there myself many years ago. Then I met my now DH and my ex and I finally gave up the illusion of friendship.
It's not always healthy or appropriate to maintain friendship - especially if you still have feelings.
If she wants your advice - that's what I would tell my DD, if not, she may have to work this out for herself. Eventually one of them will meet someone that shifts their perspective.

I have tried to suggest she ends the friendship and they have tried to end the friendship but they ended up drunk calling each other 2 weeks in.
I hate seeing her so upset over a guy, she’s a beautiful, intelligent young woman and definitely does not need to be hung up over a guy!

Would she consider trying another therapist? Just because the first one didn’t help her, if you get an excellent one by personal recommendation it may be worth a try?

I really sympathise as my dd also in her 20’s has been with her boyfriend for 5 years and has had a nagging feeling for ages that he isn’t right for her. However she cannot abide the thought of him being with someone else. Added to the pressure is she’s very late 20’s and all her friends are getting married.

I felt the same about my first boyfriend, married him (DD’s dad), and it was the worst disaster. I wish I could give more advice, it’s so hard.

And I agree she has to totally block contact with him on social media, no stalking etc.

If he’s dumped her but then talking to her every day, then he’s getting something from this relationship (because it’s still a relationship of sorts) that she does not need to be providing for him. Possibly it assuages his guilt and makes him feel like he’s not the ‘bad guy’. She needs to break that off to help herself. Basically what the others have said! Maybe since she’s already had three serious relationships and she’s only in her 20s means that she could do with some completely single time.

She needs to end the friendship/relationship, whatever you want to label it.

It’s not healthy for her and is the reason why she’s still feeling the way she does.

You need to be cruel to be kind and spell it out in black and white to her.

I will suggest a different therapist to her as I really just hate seeing her so upset.
She has reached a point of packing every waking moment of her life so full to avoid thinking about it but she often calls me at 11pm just crying in bed as it’s the first time she’s let herself think all day. She rushes from work to the gym to dinner with friends, nights out, holidays etc.
Luckily DD is only 25 so doesn’t have friends getting married quite yet. I do feel she puts a lot of pressure on herself to find “the one” though.

Yes this is what I don’t understand, he broke up with her (on New Year’s Eve as they were about to go to a party, not totally unexpected but very strange timing) and then the very next day asked to meet for a drink and if they could be friends. After a couple of dates he’s been on he calls her and says things like “you’re my closest friend and I just wanted to tell someone how it went”. He even asks DDs objective opinion on the girls he’s dating which even DD admits she finds a bit weird and unfair on the girls.

I too would suggest a total break from dating, and if possible, from the friendship. A few months may well be enough.

I think some people are just hard to get over. I am in ny late 40s, so ought to know better, but when I finally left my recent ex (who was a dick really - very controlling) I felt like I'd got blood poisoning, I missed him so badly. I maintained constant contact with him, even though he was pretty awful to me a lot of the time. And every time I tried dating, it was a disaster - even though some of the guys were objectively really attractive, nobody interested me, as they just weren't my ex. I have had several breaks ups before and always found it pretty easy to move on, but this time I just couldn't.

Eventually I just gave up on dating, had a total break from it. It also helped that my ex finally blocked me - it was painful, but actually really benefited me. And after a few months I met my now FWB (I am still not ready for serious commitment - but that's fine) and it was like something in me woke up again - I was immediately just as powerfully attracted to him as I once was to my ex.

Your dd should stop speaking to her ex if she can, at least for a period of time (might be easier to get her head around it if she thinks of it as a temporary thing). Maybe in a year or two they can be friends, when they have both moved on.

You sound like a lovely mom - she is lucky to have you.

Yep. My ex did this after he’d cheated on me til I got fed up of it. He still texts me every now and then. I don’t care now and will happily reply (years later) as he has no hold on me but while it was raw, NO WAY.

If he doesn’t want to be with her then that is entirely up to him BUT he hasn’t earned the right to be her friend.

Even if you offer all of the advice and support in the world, she won’t listen unless she’s fully ready to let go and move past it. She has to reach this decision by herself. It’s obvious she won’t move on unless she blocks him and I’m pretty sure she knows this too.

If they were compatible, they wouldn’t have broken up in the first place but they certainly wouldn’t still be apart almost a year later. Having him around is preventing her from happiness and fulfilment. She won’t meet someone new if she’s still hankering after him. He sounds like a twerp as well which doesn’t help.

Oh in addition to all this, he often says things to DD like
“I wouldn’t be against dating you again in the future, I view you as a friend right now but the door isn’t locked forever if it were right” only when she asked for a definitive do you want to date me or not did he say “I can’t give a definite yes so I’m going to say no but the real answer is I don’t know”

She absolutely needs to break it off, completely cold.

He is stringing her along, that's why she doesn't feel "over it". I had a similar boyfriend at that age - we broke up, I pined, we continued "seeing" each other as friends (with the inevitable falling into bed) and I couldn't get over it.

Friend had a similar conversation with me, I ignored his calls (no social media and no blocking on mobiles back then) and it drove him insane. He ended up driving over, telling me he wanted me to be his girlfriend again.

But he loved dangling me on a hook. It's nice to know that there's someone out there still thinking about him.

I promise she'll feel so much better when she takes that plunge.

He is totally stringing her along. It's actually quite cruel and manipulative what he's doing.

Take it from someone who was discarded after 25y, she needs to go no contact with him. He’s keeping her on the hook and it isn’t fair. It will be hard, when all she wants to do is talk to him, but she’ll never move on otherwise.

Tell her to look up men using women for emotional support.

She doesn't need therapy.
She just needs to stop speaking to her ex.
She needs to make that choice for herself though.
Its so hard watching them make mistakes but its how we all learn.

I'd tell her in blunt terms to cut contact or accept that she's actively chosing the feelings of heartbreak that she's experiencing. Up to her.

Show your daughter this thread. Her ex is a disaster zone. She is looking at him through rose coloured spectacles. He will never stop hurting her, he has problems.
She is trauma bonded to a problematic person.
If the idea of going nc is too difficult, then she needs to sit diwn and work out a strategy to view him through a different lense. For example create a checklist of red flags and physically write it down, and physically tick how many he displays each conversation they have.
she needs to look cooly and calmly at what he is showing her about who he is. She also needs to ask herself some serious questions: finding nice guys boring means you don’t really want a relationship, you want drama.
if she’s in it for the drama, time to admit it, so mum can stop worrying.

He is being so unfair to her. She will never be able to move on if this relationship/friendship continues.
It's very cruel of him as he literally has the best of both worlds to her detriment. He's keeping her there in the background, at his beck and call, just in case things don't work out with someone else. He knows exactly how she feels about him, and if he was in any way nice, he'd do the decent thing and stop contact to enable her to grieve and then move on.
She needs to somehow see how selfish he is.
You sound lovely OP.

Oh god block block block. He’s keeping her in a holding bay. BUT - most importantly - SHE has the power to do something about this and not be treated like a man’s pet dog. This is within her control. Until she’s sees that she has that power, I’m not sure what you can do.

He’s taking advantage of her and she’s allowing it.

Why does he get to decide? She needs to take the decision out of his hands, either go NC or be considerably less available.

I’d be very concerned about my DD’self esteem if she was actively participating in allowing a man to treat her this badly.

He’s keeping her as an option, and using her as an ego stroke in the meantime - this is not how decent people behave.

He's emotionally abusing her and she is letting him.

He can't contact her if she blocks him on everything. After 2 years with multiple break ups this was never a healthy relationship and the sooner she hears the harsh truth on this the better. She's not a teenager she should have some self respect by now and stop simping over a man who only keeps her around for when he wants a shag and knows she will come running.

Ah, OP. He is a low life, throwing her crumbs, while feeding his ego on her attention.

She has to see that he isn't her friend, doesn't care about her, and is using her for his own ends - some sort of back up..

I don't know how you make her see this, but I would be inclined to be blunt. Work on her self worth and conveying the message that someone decent wouldn't use her as some emotional cushion.

Fucker. I loathe this type of man that ends it, but doesn't end the contact.

Stop seeing the ex. She will get over him. Seeing him and calling her after dates!!!! It's just reopening the wound everytime.