Worried about DD unable to get over her ex

[Jennasmamam]

My DD and I are very close, she is in her 20s and has had 3 long term relationships. The first one ended quite abruptly but she cried for about a week then went on with life. The next guy was lovely, genuinely adored DD but she broke up with him as she found him quite “boring”, the most recent guy though seems to be haunting her. They were together for almost 2 years, they broke up on New Year’s Eve so 10 months ago. They had broke up briefly before that in the summer and briefly in the summer before too. He was a nice enough guy but very flakey.
DD and him have maintained a very close friendship, he calls her after dates ffs! DD has been on dates since they broke up and has had 2 people she dated for a little while (about 6 weeks each then she decided they weren’t right for her), however she seems to be still not over her ex. This morning she called me a bit upset, I asked why and she told me she had a dream where she ran into him and he had a child with someone else. She’s admitted the thought of him with someone else makes her feel sick. She has also told me that she thinks it’s just because he doesn’t want her, in the case of both her exes prior to him it was either a mutual break up or she did it, this is the first time someone has broken up with her. I don’t think their friendship makes it any easier, they talk most days, tell each other about their dating life etc.
DD has already had therapy and stopped going after 4 months as she felt it wasn’t helping.
Shes been very honest with me and said she doesn’t see much point in dating right now as even if it’s good she ends it 6 weeks later and it’s always because she feels bad for not being over her ex.
DD is my only child and I got married to her dad at 21 and we are still together so I don’t have much experience in the world of heartbreak.
AIBU to be worried about this? 10 months feels like a long time to still be waking up crying about the thought of him with someone else?

Absolutely this ^. No question at all.

I'd get her to really think about his behaviour at the moment and try and get her to see herself through his eyes.

He's a dick, he's enjoying having her hanging on, it's an ego boost for him while he plays the field, and then at some point he'll come back to her and she'll be so desperate not to lose him again that she won't dare ever set a foot out of line.

It's frankly a really disgusting control tactic, and if you can make her see that then she'll be on the road to recovery.

Oh this is so tough. I had an absolutely awful breakup in my mid 20s and was totally heartbroken for about a year! The only way I got over it was by going completely cold turkey and no contact. It is the last thing she will want to do but it truly is the only way she will get over him. Maybe you could advise that she tries just 3 months no contact at first (so it does not seem so final) but after a couple of months she might be feeling stronger to continue. There is a book called 'its called a break up because its broken', parts of it are very cheesy but it has some very good tough love stuff in there that might help her.

Have just read your updates and I wanted to add that this guy sounds absolutely awful. What he is doing is very selfish and cruel! He is obviously stringing her along and wants to keep her around to boost his ego! I think you can say this to her once even though she may not want to hear it. Xx

What a twat he is to build up her hopes. Please advise her to cut contact or at least tell him she does not need to know who he is dating.

Her ex knows exactly what he is doing. He has her on stand by . Unable to move on. He is not nice at all.
Realistically she wont move on until she blocks him. On everything. So she has noway of getting drunk and sending him a msg. Or the other way around.

She's stuck because she's keeping up the contact in hopes that he'll have some kind of epiphany that she's the one. He's just keeping her hanging and there's no healthy reasons for that. Calling her after dates, he's sticking the knife in and twisting the blade. It sounds like her self esteem is shot to accept this treatment.

Hard stop. She needs to block him, reengage with therapy with a different therapist and do the real work of moving on.

You could try highlighting that he's not a friend.

He is using her as some sort of emotional support puppy while pursuing other women. That's not a friend.

She needs to go cold turkey. No contact, no social media.

Tell her she needs to start respecting herself more and stop accepting breadcrumbs from this self indulgent asshole.

My dd is exactly the same.. can’t be at home for five minutes, always rushing from place to place.