Situationship….in my 30s 🙈

[HangryZebra]

So I’ve been casually in a situationship with a guy for over a year. We text every single day. We meet up for “fun” at least twice a month but apart from that no relationship as it were just very close with the messaging and the “fun”
A little while back I asked him if he did this kind of thing with anyone else, and he said no but I shouldn’t be asking as it’s not what this relationship is about, as it’s casual and it shouldn’t matter. I have never asked him again since then as I got the message loud and clear it was just casual from him and I’m happy with that.
Fast forward to a month ago, I went out with some girl friends and he asked me if I pulled anyone. I said to him no I didn’t but also I thought he didn’t want to discuss that kind of thing and he backed off the questioning.
I’m getting work done on my house at the moment and it’s a guy I know doing the work who has tagged me on a post on Facebook (about donuts I bought him nothing major lol) Today I get a message from my situationship asking if there is anything going on between me and the guy doing work on the house. His exact words were “there’s definitely something going on between you and him. Isn’t there? Anything you want to share? I’m not jealous by the way”

I don’t really know what to make of it, it’s the “I’m not jealous by the way” situation because if he wasn’t jealous why would he bring it up!? I’m confused!! Does he have feelings for me that he’s not admitting to?

I’m happy in life to keep things casual at the moment but now I’m not sure this is as casual!

would I be unreasonable to bring up that this isn’t casual anymore or am I reading too much into this now?

Each to their own, I'm no Granny (yet) but...

I will never ever understand how people expect that having regular sex with someone won't lead to bonding and feelings of partnership. Love, jealousy, togetherness, all that.

Having sex is - quite literally - the most intimate thing people can do.

This would make me very uneasy. At best he has double standards because he clearly thought you shouldn’t ask if he was involved with anyone else under any label you like. But it sounds as if he is either possessive or wants to get some sort of thrill from hearing about you and other men. That would be trouble if not outright dangerous.

Time to find a new situationshipmate

I don't think the two things (not being in a relationship or having feelings, and not wanting that person to sleep with anyone else) are mutually exclusive.

To me, even if I don't have particular feelings for someone, I don't want them (or me) to be sleeping with anyone else at the same time they're sleeping with me:

• they're likely to be making comparisons / thinking about someone else with me
• STI risk is much higher
• there is a chance that you could get involved in something messy (eg if the other person / people think he does like them really, blames you for things not progressing, finds out who you are etc)
• could turn out to be a friend or family member which is just a bit grim

Nothing to do with feelings but sleeping with someone who is sleeping with someone else is a no from me.

So it may be that he actually likes you. It may be he has the same mindset as me. He might feel jealous. It is probably most likely that he has a big ego and wants you to want him even if he isn't bothered about a relationship.

Old enough to be a granny. Not a granny. I know just fine what a ‘situationship’ none of which changes the fact that it’s the wankiest term in a long line of try-hard uncool wanky words.

Ignore it or tell him last time you asked him a question he said you shouldn't care as it's casual?

You need to diversify and add more men to your roster/date around because you're getting a bit bonded to him and he clearly doesn't want to seriously date you. And you shouldn't want him to! He seems shit at communicating and double standards.

He wants to be free to do as he pleases with however many women he wishes but he wants to keep tabs on you to make sure you’re hanging around waiting for him. 🙄

This seems like a waste of time and energy. You’re too old for this bollocks

Lazy ageism yet again.

Seems to me he wants to have his cake and it but you're not allowed.

@HangryZebra - I think he has this idea that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, and is this cool guy who is in a casual relationship. If you ask him now - he'll most likely just deny being jealous or wanting more from this. -- NOT because he'll be lying to you - mostly because he is lying to HIMSELF.

So - I'd leave him to figure things out for himself. Unless you want to force the issue because you want a relationship.

How patronising

My thoughts exactly. I'm not remotely interested in reading his mind and neither should you be, OP.

That business with doughnut guy and his intrusive questioning would be a red flag whatever kind of relationship you were in. He's suspicious, possessive and entitled. Bin.

By the way, I predict that when you dump him, he will suddenly want a meaningfully exclusive relationship. Do not accept: he won't improve.

Old enough to be a grannie but also old enough not to settle for the crumbs of a “situation ship”

OP - what do you want from this relationship? If your happy with the situation ship then just reply as some one suggested above “hey casual boy you made it clear these conversations are out. See you Tuesday”

If your thinking it’s more, ask him and if he replies that it isn’t get out now.

"No, nothing to share".
I think you should remind him that he didn't want to talk about stuff like that!

And dial back from this daily-texting nonsense. Why do you two need to be in such close contact anyway?!

You also need to decide how you feel about this situation and identify what you want in the longer term....

do you want an actual relationship of some kind (not neessarily monogamous or co-habiting - there are lots of different options that would just be less 'casual' and more committed than what you have right now)?
with him or with someone else (who's maybe less of an unreasonable/selfish ***)?

or do you want to carry on being 'single'? do you want to continue having a 'situationship' with him, or someone else?

He's policing what you can and cannot discuss, then breaking his own rules.

Fun my arse, sounds stressful AF.

I'd ditch him.

It could be one of a few things -

• he could be jealous and actually wants more / a relationship
• he’s happy to keep it casual but he doesn’t want YOU to be getting any other action
• he gets off on the thought you’re shagging other men / he’s being ‘cuckolded’ and wants the details to masturbate to.

You text daily but only meet up twice a month??

I would remind him what he told you when you asked.

Do you want a serious relationship? If so this isnt the guy. Stop the daily texts (keep the fortnightly fun if you like) and create some space to meet someone you can get serious with.

you say ‘sorry what? That’s between him and me!’

You need to be as blunt as he was to you, it’s casual none of your business.

I couldn't find him attractive after this. Clearly its one rule for him and another for you. Yuck.
He is giving creepy controlling vibes. Plenty more situationships in the sea.

Granny age here. Came on to say what @PaterPower said - he gets off on the idea of you telling him about your shags with other blokes.

Up to you what you do about it. You might like the idea, your choice.

I thought it had a whiff of cuckold fantasy about it too (yuck). He wants you to tell him what you are up to with this other guy so he can get off on it. I think you need to drop him as he is transgressing boundaries and messing with your head. Find someone more genuine.

Going to give away my age now but I have the Salt N Peppa track going round my head now ‘it’s none of your business!’

Having your cake and eating it springs to mind!!!

Ah so a double standards situationship guy. He wants full commitment from you while he is doing what he likes. Nah, not for me.