To think ex should still help me even tho we’re not together?

[CozyNovemberMum]

hi, not posted before so hope this is ok. sorry if doesn’t make sense im properly shattered. ive got 4 DC and im pregnant again (due after christmas) and me and ex split a few weeks ago. it wasnt some big dramatic thing we just werent getting on anymore and arguing all the time and it was doing my head in and the kids were picking up on it so I told him its better if we have space. he still comes round to see them but its like he thinks that means he doesnt have to actually HELP anymore?? like he just sits on the sofa on his phone or goes in the kitchen and makes himself tea and then leaves again like hes still some sort of guest.

I dont drive so everything is on me. walking to school twice a day with the pram, carrying shopping on the bus, all the bedtime stuff, all the morning stuff, all the washing and cleaning and making meals and dealing with tantrums and the older one having attitude and just everything. I know thats just mum life but it feels so much heavier recently idk if its because im so pregnant and everything hurts. my back feels like its going to snap in half most days tbh and im barely sleeping cos the littlest still wakes loads and im up every hour. ive tried talking to ex but he just says well “we’re not together anymore so its your house your rules you sort it” which is just ??? like hes still their dad??

money is tight too im trying to keep up with bills and food and the landlord has put the house up for sale so i dont even know whats happening next. ex gives me a bit but honestly its barely anything and he keeps saying he needs his own place sorted first before he can help properly but i literally need help now. even small stuff like could he pick up some milk on the way round or maybe take them to the park for an hour or just do bath time occasionally so I can sit and breathe for 5 mins. he says thats me “treating him like my partner again” but im not I just need HELP.

he sees them maybe 3 evenings a week and like I said its just him being here not actually doing anything. when i ask him to help he says im having a go and leaves and then i feel guilty and end up apologising cos I dont want drama in front of the DC.

I just feel like im doing everything on my own and hes acting like now we’re not together he doesnt need to do anything except show his face. AIBU to think he should still help a bit?? sorry for the long post im just so tired.

Sorry but not much sympathy. Women have to take responsibility for continuing to have sex with men who are deadbeats and continuing to procreate with them.

He shouldn't be coming to you, they should be going to him. Dad popping in and out like a guest will be confusing and disruptive for them surely?

It needs to be a full split so you can organise a sensible co-parenting situation.

Don't let him in. He can see the children outside the house and actually parent them. Put in a claim for CMS. He's taking the piss because you allow it.

He should be having the kids at his home, not popping in to see you all

What is he doing to sort out his own housing? That’s what he needs to be doing, and then when he sees the children, he can do it in his own home.

Can you ask him to pick up the kids and do something with them rather than offer him a place to have a cup of tea and sit around? That way, you can get a little break from at least some kids.

Surely it doesnt take 5 kids to work out he was a deadbeat? Why keep getting pregnant to him in the first place.

Well, he is a guest in your home.
Is he paying child support?
It would be better to have set days and times that he comes and he takes over with the kids. You need to be out or otherwise unavailable. Best of all, the kids go to him.

He should absolutely be doing his fair share.

Work out exactly what you want/need him to do and discuss this with him. Work or a schedule so everyone knows what's happening. I think relying on him to 'help' when he pops round is no good. Ask him to do school pick-up on his three afternoons a week and to take the children out somewhere and feed them. He can bring them home at 6pm. I'd also be giving him one weekend day to deal with.

Sort out which days are his then make sure they are going to him, that he is feeding them, etc, etc. Put in a claim for cms. It feels like you are doing everything because you are, which will continue unless you force the issue. Don’t ask for help, just divide the work and each be solely responsible for your own.

Do you have any support around you OP, because I am not sure whether he is going to be much use to you when you have a new baby in the mix as well.

I would say focus your energies on getting your finances and housing in a better position, because if fathering 5 children hasn't made him grow up, there is little hope new single life is going bring about much useful change now.

Check you are claiming everything you are entitled to, get registered for social housing, see citizens advice/ sure start / similar and start building a support network. Also, contact CMS now. Don't dilly dally with this bit.

Stop letting him swoop in like Disney dad and getting the highlights whilst you tie yourself in knots doing everything else. He either co parents and actually fucking helps, or you both parent as single entities in turns, not popping round for a brew 3 times a week.

When he pops round pop out. Tell him they need to be fed and bathed and to text when he's done. Then come back and chuck him back out.

Where is he living? Why aren't they going there where he must be doing all the housework?

Essentially you need to put better boundaries in place.
So he needs to be spending his time with the kids elsewhere. He definitely shouldn't be helping himself to food/drink in your house.
There need to be very clear lines he doesn't cross, but you need to separate yourself from him more too. Asking him to pick up something on the way over - not necessarily unreasonable in itself, but is blurring the lines. At least to start with.
You may find as things settle he won't mind helping, but for now it sounds as though this was your choice rather than his, so he is unlikely to be wanting to help you out. He's probably hoping if he makes it hard for you to be on your own then you'll take him back. You need to find your support elsewhere and make him do the same.

He needs to stop using your house as his meeting point. He should be picking them up and taking them out if he doesn't have somewhere suitable for them to visit

He needs to prioritise getting himself accommodation where he can have his kids overnight and a proper schedule sorting out.

Put a cms claim in to help with money and stop letting him get away with not doing the difficult stuff. He should be doing a share of school runs, using public transport if needed.

First

He needs to take the children out for his visitation. No more using your home as a doss house.

second

Put in a claim for child maintenance.

Third

Do online shopping.

Sure it would be nice if he helped out but he doesn’t have to, so make him parent and pay.

If op is a pp then I think she lurches from one crisis to the next and would benefit from professional help.
If op was sleeping on a sofa whilst pregnant as the circumstances are all very similar.

thanks everyone I do get what your saying and your right about needing to set proper boundaries. I think ive just been trying to keep it all calm for the kids and not make a big deal but maybe ive made it too easy for him. he says he dont have anywhere to take them yet cos hes staying at his mates sofa till he finds somewhere so I said its fine for him to see them here cos I didnt want them missing him, but then he just turns up and its more stress than help tbh.

hes not paying proper cms yet, he said hes sorting it but ive heard that before. ive not put a claim in yet cos im trying to keep things civil but maybe I should just do it.

I know it looks stupid having another baby when things were already rocky but it wasnt planned, I was on the pill and honestly I thought things were getting better at the time. not proud of it but just trying to deal with it now and do the best I can for the kids.

I dont really have much family help, my mum’s not well and I dont want to bother her too much. so its just been me most of the time. im not asking him to move back in or anything just to actually parent when hes here instead of acting like hes doing me a favour.

I think ill tell him from now on if he wants to see them he needs to take them out, even if its just the park. I just hate confrontation but I can’t keep going like this im exhausted. thanks for the replies though, I really appreciate it. sorry if I sound moany im just done in tonight.

Yes put in the claim order will mess you around.

If he really must have them at your house then you go out or up for a bath behind a locked door so he has to parent.

But honestly he could take them to the park for even half an hour, a trip to McDonald’s, go to the local library if you have one, soft play for a couple of hours.

He seems like the type that’s always got an excuse.

Sorry OP, it sounds awful and you've got a lot on your plate 😔 how old are your older kids? If old enough, they can help out with chores - washing up or loading the dishwasher, hoovering, hanging up washing etc - it won't hurt them to contribute to the smooth running of the household!

You have definitely been too accommodating and need to stand up for yourself. Tell him he needs a regular schedule to see the kids (they need routine and stability) and that when he's there, he's in charge of the children. You need to rest as you are heavily pregnant. He needs to feed them, do bath & bedtime. You take yourself off to bed for a rest and stay there. You also need to put in a claim for CMS - he needs to pay regularly not just when he feels like it. You need a regular income so you can budget effectively.

Nobody is going to look after you except you - you are important and need to put your own needs first sometimes. Be your own best friend and don't take any more of his shite.

My friend allowed her ex to do this thinking it was best for their children and also she didn't want it turning round on her that he didn't see them enough. Her ex completely took liberties and used walk in and eat left overs without asking, sit on the sofa on his phone or disappear to the loo for 20+ minutes at a time. The kids gained nothing from him being there. It eventually caused no end of problems in future relationships they got into and now they barely talk. Try and be polite but firm or write down what you want/need and give it to him. He will drag out getting his own place if he is allowed to keep avoiding any responsibility. Be kind to yourself, you have a lot going on 💐

Crikey, this sounds like a nightmare, five kids as a single parent? This is going to be tough and it doesn’t sound like he is to be much help. Keep things as official as possible. And good luck…..

He's taking the piss big time and I think he's almost trying to punish you for the split.

Get your claim for CM in asap and don't let him in your house anymore.

There are plenty of free things to do with kids so let him organise that.

He should be seeing the children without you there and not having access to your home so that he is the one looking after them, lay down that boundary that if he's seeing them he needs to be taking them to a family members, a friends or out somewhere away from the house. Only exception I'd make is for a few months after baby is born (assuming you may not want him taking baby out as soon as they are born) to give him chance to build a bond with the baby.

Apart from that, it's part of parcel of splitting up you can't expect your ex to help you when the children are with you. You should expect him to look after your shared children when he's supposed to and pay maintenance but that's it. Don't get me wrong he sounds like a git who's taking the piss though so get those boundaries in and put in the claim for child maintenance.

Loads of sympathy OP! I’ve been a single parent to one and that was tough enough!

Definitely get that CMS claim in, and also start looking for real life support. Are there any local organisations or charities that support single parents? I remember having a Surestart visitor when Dc was little - not sure if they’re still around but it helped me massively. Check with midwife/health visitor as they may be able to make referrals and suggestions x