To want DH to maximise his own sleep

[Catkinsblossom]

I'm currently SAH with a child who doesn't sleep (older than a baby, SEN needs). DC won't drop off to sleep until at least 2am and often 3 or 4 and during that time I have to go to their room every 20 mins to sort a range of health related stuff. Child only manages well with me at the moment (this is not poor parenting but an aspect of their additional needs and can't be changed right now) so I'm on duty for them. This is fine and I don't expect DH to do it.

Often when I am waking up, say half past midnight, after just having dropped off myself, and shivering my way to wake up, get a drink or sort medication, DH is sitting on the sofa still having a normal adult evening, fully dressed, having blameless leisure time. I see it as I go past like a little window into another world. He's not doing anything crazy, just watching TV, unwinding after a long day at work. He might come up to bed at 1.30 then read for half an hour.

In the morning the other child need to be up at 7 and given a lift at 8. DH can help the other kid get up and get to school, but all things being equal I usually do the lift. We have both just agreed that we need to encourage other kid to walk. So that's one solution where he could do more in the morning, and so could our other DC, giving me another hour of rest, but this seems a bit unfair to me as he has to get himself to work too and it isn't DCs fault that his sibling has additional needs.

My AIBU though, is that DH feels very nagged and put upon if I ever ask him to go to bed early so he is less tired in the morning and to give us more flex. At the moment, I wake up in the morning, calculate which of us I think is tiredest, if I think it's me I ask him to get up and sort other DC. By which time I am wide awake, feel some mental load, and also feel bad about asking him to get up. He isn't at all.grumpy but often looks exhausted and invariably complains how hard mornings are. I feel like I have to work out if it's reasonable to ask him, every day.

He would never say no or be grumpy about doing it!! And I should probably just ignore the fact he looks so tired.

My AIBU is about my own mood - aibu to feel really, really angry that he doesn't go to bed earlier? I feel murderous when I see him "squandering" sleeping time I don't get to enjoy. I think I am being a huge dog in the manger and if he can't improve my sleep, I shouldn't care if he is awake. Also, he pulls his weight, so it is patronising of me to try and police how tired he is - if he wants to stay up late then be tired that's up to him.

I also sometimes (not every day but maybe once per week after a very bad night) get a morning nap if DC also sleeps. So I am maximising my sleep so the family works, and he is working to help us all, so I am.missing out on less sleep than if I had to go to work.

This isnt gonna turn into one of the threads with a drip feed that the DH is horribly abusive- we communicate well and I'm mostly trying to work out for myself where thiis horrible anger comes from in me. I suspect it might not be about him at all but about my poor kid who can't lead a normal life.

I would like to know if I ABU so I can work on myself if so, or find a good honest way to talk to DH if not, and if you all think I have a point. Thanks vipers x

I do think you're being unreasonable here, but you're under a lot of pressure and knackered so it's not unreasonable you've reached that point. He's getting up, he's not whining or being grumpy, and he's pulling his weight. Possibly a more black and white split of who gets up in the morning would help rather than you just deciding? (Hint - it's DH). But if he values relaxing downstairs more than he feels upset about being tired then he's an adult and that's his choice to make.

Having a child with send is very stressful. When I was very sleep deprived with my children I still craved wind down/aline time. Is it possible that your husband needs this time as much as he needs sleep?

A soft YABU. Both my sons have SEN, and one is also disabled. It's so hard, but I need the unwind time at night more than I do sleep. I've always been a night owl, and I love that peace late at night/in the early hours where it's all quiet. Nobody wants anything from you, and you can just be.

So I don't get to sleep until 1-2am and then I'm up before 6am. I know it's not exactly healthy, but I think I'd go insane otherwise. Being tired is the price I pay for it. But I still do what I need to do, so I don't see it as an issue.

But I can understand your frustration when you see someone "squandering" something you badly want yourself. And if DH wasn't pulling his weight and being a dick about it, my answer would probably be different.

OP please contact GP and ask about melatonine for your SEN child. Have you got any support in RL? Do you ever get a break?

As for your DH- sit him down and explain how his downtime till early hours negatively affects you.
Downtime at expense of sleep is eventually going to catch up with him. Been there,done that.

Take care of yourself because nobody else will.

Best wishes 💐

Being tired makes anyone a tad unreasonable especially when you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I would make a rota so dh knows he'll be taking dc to school every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and agree to take them on Tuesday and Thursday if not too tired.

"At the moment, I wake up in the morning, calculate which of us I think is tiredest, if I think it's me I ask him to get up and sort other DC."

YABVU for doing this. It's completely ridiculous. You and DH must agree in advance who is getting up with the kids in the morning. Personally, I think it should be him, given how much you do during the night, every night. You must be completely and utterly exhausted. Perhaps you could get up with the kids one day at the weekend so he gets a lie in. But he should get up with them every other day - he has to get up and go to work anyway, so he might as well do the usual morning parenting duties, since you do them the rest of the time including until the early hours of the morning.

Also, if he knows he is getting up in the morning, it's his choice when he goes to bed - but he will hopefully be sensible enough to go to bed at a decent time.

At the moment you're enabling his behaviour of staying up really late, because you pick up the slack when you judge that he's more tired than you. (Competitive tiredness is a nightmare when you're sleep deprived!)

I think he should be getting up in the morning and sorting other child. Not you waking deciding who is most tired (impossible to decide that!) then telling him to get up and you trying to sleep / you’ll never get back to sleep! He needs take mornings on so the times you can you can sleep on.

I understands about your child only settling for you and that can’t be changed currently but is there anything you can do to improve sleep (child’s and yours)? Medication? If child is awake can DH entertain them early to late evening (8-12 say?) to allow you to sleep then you could take over the bedtime hours? You mention soeting mediation and drinks / could DH assist by doing that prep whilst you’re physically with DC?

Thank you for the kind messages - I was expecting to be a bit more roughly handled considering it's AIBU! I am pleased that so far it balances how I feel - I am being a bit U but there are mitigating circumstances to my U, and we could plan it all better.

And those of you who point out that DH needs the unwinding time to be OK to carry on supporting the family- well that rings true actually, and helps me get the reframe I need.

I think I am just gutted that it's so difficult, and so hard for DC, and so I am trying to control stuff because so much is out of my control.

I also second melatonin for anyone in our position who hasn't tried it yet, it is a life saver. Sadly it's not touching the sides for us right now and we're on a break...

"DH needs the unwinding time to be OK to carry on supporting the family"

what about you? Do you get "unwinding time"?

Having to ask your dh to get up is enough to make anyone murderous. He should know. So he puts on his alarm, gets up , gets kids ready and goes. Stop being so nice saying he deserves his sleep etc. He can stay up all night if he wants but he must do the first shift in the morning otherwise you will collapse. So say nothing about him going to bed but lay it down that he is on morning duty. Its madness for a father responsible for children to stay up until 1.30 and then not jump out of bed and let his exhausted wife sleep. But let him cop on to that himself.
No wonder you are angry as underneath you know the level of unfairness is unreal.

I understand that you feel that you want to help the other DC in the mornings to make it fair for him/her. However, I don’t understand why your husband doesn’t help at night with your SEND kid. I understand that he works but at least in our family even during mat leave my partner did nightshifts with the baby and I got to sleep and vice verca during his pat leave when I got back to work. Or maybe he can help you out on Friday/Sat to give you a break and time to watch a movie or just enjoy a glass of wine in peace. I am worried if one day you are going to have a mental breakdown with such disrupted/little sleep. Make sure you take care of yourself to also be there for your other DC. And no you are not YAIBU, you are exhausted!

edited to remove - realise you’ve already addressed this in your OP.

sorry you’re having a hard time at the moment

Yes I do. I stopped work to take care of DC so compared to the stress when we were both working, I am in a much better place. I can carve out time for myself, usually in the day, that DH can't do.

Thank you @abbynabby23 for thinking of me. I would read this too and think "oh why doesnt the DH help". It's not that simple as it is to do with certain aspects of the needs my DC has and the way it's all presenting at the moment. If anything my DH is frustrated that he can't do more and there's little he can do to help me at night which is hard for both of us.

I think the fundamental problem might be that you are looking at everything from a communal / partnership / whole family approach eg assessing who can get what sleep when, recognising that you each have a part to play in ensuring the other gets what they need, whereas he is looking at it from a more individual perspective ie I feel like chilling out and getting some down time to myself so that's what I'll do. He isn't joining the dots to see that by taking that downtime he is actually taking something from you, because he is then also tired and you then try / feel the need to help him with that. In a family with stretched resources (in this case, time / opportunity for sleep), anything one person takes does impact on the other family members, but I do think many people (men?) struggle with this idea. Not to be too Marxist about it but your approach is more 'From each according to ability, to each according to need' where he is thinking about himself and you as quite separate entities.

Ultimately I think the solution is as others have suggested, set the boundary of what he must do to support you and then it is his choice whether to stay up voluntarily making himself tired. I understand the frustration that he can't see for himself that his behaviour around sleep, and not taking the opportunity to maximise it for himself, does actually impact you, but he may get there in the end. In the meantime just don't allow yourself to feel guilty; if he knows he is getting up, it is entirely his choice to make himself tired. It may be the trade off is worth it to him to feel like he gets some 'me' time. That's fine, but it shouldn't negatively impact you when you're currently getting no 'me' time or proper sleep. And ideally he needs to better understand himself and his choices as part of a family unit, but that may take a bit longer.

Sorry, OP, just seen you do get some 'me time' during the school day, which is definitely good. I think the rest of what I said still applies though.

I think your DH needs to deal with the mornings with your other DC as standard. You shouldn’t be waking up, calculating who is most tired, and asking him. It should be default that he just gets up and does it.

Does you get DLA for your child? Does your child have an EHCP? Do they attend a childcare or school setting (mainstream or specialist)?

A PP mentioned school but I wonder if the child is not at school, given that you only get the opportunity to nap when your child naps.

What stands out to me here is you waking up in the morning and doing a quick evaluation of who’s the most tired and then that dictates who does what. You should agree who’s doing what in advance, and then if your DH has made himself tired by staying up that’s completely up to him and the only person affected is him.

A side point is also the unreasonable mental load on you of a tiredness assessment of 2 adults the moment you wake! Get rid of this awful way to start to the day.

Thank you all again. DH would far prefer it that I just worked out what I needed and told him what to do (!) like, get up for the other child. The thing is, I don't want him to do the whole morning with the other child as standard. I want to see and care for other child too. What I'd like is for him to have more energy at the times of day he is most needed, and arrange his life to do that, so he can get up with energy and bring the house along with him, the way I have to do. He is just all "I don't like mornings" and I think every day well of course you don't, you haven't slept enough. I don't feel mega happy either but I have to shift my energy so I am happy and energetic at the times when it fits with the pattern of what the family needs.

Thanks also to those asking about DC and what their situation is - if you don't mind I won't go into that more, you might have to take it as read that we are across absolutely everything in terms of benefits and medical stuff. I'm not asking for ways to change the family setup, just take it as read it includes me doing things in the day to some extent for DC, and at night. It isn't a gruelling 24/7 care role, but my time isn't my own in that they are usually with me and can only be left for a "pop to the shops" length of time.

Can you steal 5 minutes with your husband on the sofa when it’s late. Would it help to just sit with each other and have a cuddle. Do you need to rush through to the next thing. It might make you feel less frustrated if there’s been some shared affection. Plus definitely schedule in at least one day a week where he always handles the morning stuff, that will give you a mental break on the organising everyone front.

This! Why are you deciding day by day, that's so chaotic. If you're up so much, he does everything in the morning. His decision when he goes to bed. Tell him that, and DO NOT GET UP IN THE MORNING. Or, if he doesn't like mornings (which is ridiculous when you have kids, noone likes mornings), he does his share in the late evening so you can get a block of sleep say 9pm-1am. Then you should feel more rested in the morning.

"my time isn't my own in that they are usually with me and can only be left for a "pop to the shops" length of time."

Not at school, then. This is hugely relevant to your original question, because some people will assume that you get a break when your child is at school, but you don't.

But I dont think that's fair. He does from when he comes home from work until various bedtimes - tidying up, dinner, helping with homework, admin, whatever, obviously everything shared perfectly at weekends including lie ins for me. I have a big period of activity in mornings to get them up but usually find an hour or so in the day to relax, around other DC needs. (e.g. right now I have 9-10am to go back to bed, as DC won't be up till10. DH left at 7 and is on the train up to London).

I do the nights but I have more time in the days. That doesn't seem too much? Also that's my contribution now - we used to both work and both do same amount of family stuff, but now I don't work so my contribution at home should be higher. He still does the 50/50 he did when we were both working full time, he has kept the same contribution.