To want DH to maximise his own sleep

[Catkinsblossom]

I'm currently SAH with a child who doesn't sleep (older than a baby, SEN needs). DC won't drop off to sleep until at least 2am and often 3 or 4 and during that time I have to go to their room every 20 mins to sort a range of health related stuff. Child only manages well with me at the moment (this is not poor parenting but an aspect of their additional needs and can't be changed right now) so I'm on duty for them. This is fine and I don't expect DH to do it.

Often when I am waking up, say half past midnight, after just having dropped off myself, and shivering my way to wake up, get a drink or sort medication, DH is sitting on the sofa still having a normal adult evening, fully dressed, having blameless leisure time. I see it as I go past like a little window into another world. He's not doing anything crazy, just watching TV, unwinding after a long day at work. He might come up to bed at 1.30 then read for half an hour.

In the morning the other child need to be up at 7 and given a lift at 8. DH can help the other kid get up and get to school, but all things being equal I usually do the lift. We have both just agreed that we need to encourage other kid to walk. So that's one solution where he could do more in the morning, and so could our other DC, giving me another hour of rest, but this seems a bit unfair to me as he has to get himself to work too and it isn't DCs fault that his sibling has additional needs.

My AIBU though, is that DH feels very nagged and put upon if I ever ask him to go to bed early so he is less tired in the morning and to give us more flex. At the moment, I wake up in the morning, calculate which of us I think is tiredest, if I think it's me I ask him to get up and sort other DC. By which time I am wide awake, feel some mental load, and also feel bad about asking him to get up. He isn't at all.grumpy but often looks exhausted and invariably complains how hard mornings are. I feel like I have to work out if it's reasonable to ask him, every day.

He would never say no or be grumpy about doing it!! And I should probably just ignore the fact he looks so tired.

My AIBU is about my own mood - aibu to feel really, really angry that he doesn't go to bed earlier? I feel murderous when I see him "squandering" sleeping time I don't get to enjoy. I think I am being a huge dog in the manger and if he can't improve my sleep, I shouldn't care if he is awake. Also, he pulls his weight, so it is patronising of me to try and police how tired he is - if he wants to stay up late then be tired that's up to him.

I also sometimes (not every day but maybe once per week after a very bad night) get a morning nap if DC also sleeps. So I am maximising my sleep so the family works, and he is working to help us all, so I am.missing out on less sleep than if I had to go to work.

This isnt gonna turn into one of the threads with a drip feed that the DH is horribly abusive- we communicate well and I'm mostly trying to work out for myself where thiis horrible anger comes from in me. I suspect it might not be about him at all but about my poor kid who can't lead a normal life.

I would like to know if I ABU so I can work on myself if so, or find a good honest way to talk to DH if not, and if you all think I have a point. Thanks vipers x

Thanks - yes it's worth saying that we are not in a situation where conventional school happens from 9-3.

Yes, sorry OP, I realise now you said you can carve some time out for yourself during the day and I leapt to the assumption about school. It is absolutely not unreasonable for you to expect your husband to think more about what the whole family needs and act accordingly but sadly at the moment that just doesn't seem to be his mindset. Until or unless that changes, you'll just need to be clear what you need from him as it sounds like he does respond to that. I totally get your frustration though and it is not unreasonable. It would be better if he could see that family resources (time, money, space etc) are shared and, when they are limited, then how each person uses those resources impacts on everyone else in the family but it sounds like he just doesn't see it that way.

Thank you. The thing is, he does see the principle that resources are shared, but he simply values the resource of sleep - for all of us, actually - far lower than I do. I think us all being in bed and asleep at midnight during the week is a reasonable ask, and making sure we work through the evening to facilitate the one DC who does sleep getting to bed at, say, 10, is something we should prioritise. He feels we can be more relaxed and feels the strictness causes more problems than being a bit later to bed. I think sleep is the main thing after food we should prioritise for our DC. He is naturally more flexible here.

I think he's taking a more holistic view of our family mental health and thinking downtime and relaxed approaches are also important.

He is really aware of the idea that if he takes more of a resource, I get less - his point with this one is ...
a) yes, he could get me more sleep by doing morning with other DC but I don't want that, and I tend to wake up anyway, he gets up to do anything required so I shouldn't
be angry with him, there's nothing he is refusing to do.
b) I could make other DC walk to school each day which he thinks would help me - I don't agree as I think other DC needs evidence that I prioritise them given everything going on with their sibling.
b) his being awake at night doesn't reduce my rest as I am up anyway in the night and it's up to him.if he chooses to reduce his own rest.

Im just really aware I can write it to make him sound like a proper dick - when the truth is, I am huffing around at night feeling angry for no real reason and he is feeling defensive as I am being mean. It is at the point where if he says he is tired I feel so irrationally angry.

But theres something that isn't working and I am upset every day. I am appreciating this opportunity to think through what the underlying issues might be.

You do all the night wakes for one child. DH should be in charge of getting the other child to school. You need the rest. His sleep pattern is up to him so if he's tired it's up to him to sort that out.

If you're up late with one child then your husband should get up and sort out the other child and get them to school on his way to work in my opinion. Your sleep is important too. Totally not unreasonable. I'd be angry too

This sounds hard OP. But you both sound like a strong team, albeit there’s an imbalance at the moment.

from what I’m reading, you resent him not sleeping when he has the opportunity to. And you want your non-disabled sibling to have the attention from you that he/she deserves. You sleep and rest when you can.

i firmly believe that a fair and manageable routine helps family life no end. But it must also have flexibility. It seems as though his bed time and the family’s morning has no set routine so you are constantly uncertain of what the morning is going to look like.

can you suggest that you try a fixed morning routine for a while. If he does set days, you can wake and then have that glorious feeling of not having to get up straight away. And on ‘your’ days, you can plan a lovely morning with your DC which might include a special breakfast, walk to school, time spent plaiting their hair, stop off at bakery on way to school, lovely packed lunch, whatever floats your boat. But it’s more difficult to plan any of that if you don’t know if you’re on school run duty.

his decision whether or not to go to bed earlier. Wouldn’t it be nice if he came to bed with you from time to time? He could read, cuddle or sleep. Being together is so important.

I think have a rota for mornings whatever feels a fair split. I totally get you want to do some mornings with other dc but I don't think you're maximising the opportunities to rest, it's inefficient for you to wake up, decide it's him, then try and get back to sleep whilst (I'm guessing) silently seething at him not approaching it the way you wish he would.
You definitely can't tell a grown man when to go to bed, he obviously gets something from his behaviour/bedtime and I get it, I'm a night owl and like to zone out whilst the house is quiet. I do however, neck a coffee and get on with packed lunches and school runs even if I've been up a lot.
Caring is very very hard, it sounds like you're both actually doing an amazing job of maintaining a good relationship and being a great team for your dc. Maybe also celebrate the fact this irritation is actually relatively minor/mild, that's an achievement. Then plan a morning rota, so he knows the days he'll be up early, and so do you. You'll need to accept that on those mornings there won't be huge energy, he'll do it differently, but he will do it. Take those mornings to rest and then you can approach your mornings your way, and your husband can catch up on sleep. The best advice I ever had, was if you delegate a job to someone, they will do it their way, so long as the end result is achieved you can't micromanage the approach. No, your husband doesn't infect the house with energy the way you would, but maybe, in his "I hate mornings" moments, your other dc will open up about things they hate and want to share, or, maybe, they'll choose to do something independent to help out - people do things differently, it feels wrong when you see something different to your style, but diversity is strength!

im realising I took so much huge mental load of everything in my marriage such that it drove me to actaul insanity